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Crime and Thriller
Midnight Call
By Superbox
25 May 2007
This story is about a police worker whose past haunts him.It flows like a poem,but I hope you can tell the difference.

The phone rings,and I pick it up.A very timid voice says to me...
"Hello,is that the police?"
"Yes its the police,what's the matter?" I say.
"There's some-one trying to break into my house."
There is more fear in her voice now,and I can hear noises in the bckground.
"Just keep calm,I need to know your adress." Normally I do everything by the book,but I can't tell her to keep calm,this has happened to me before.I hear a window smash,and then she starts screaming down the phone.
"Help me,he's here,help!"
I stay silent,I just stare at my voice monitor,watching all the numbers and binary codes flicking along the bottom of the scream.
"Help,he's coming,help!"
Her voice seems calmer,but I can hear her crying.I heard the stairs in her house creek,and I new it was time to do what the police never did when it happened to me.
"OK love,can you tell me where you live?" I seem confident,but I know I'm not.Deep down,I'm s vulnerable as she is now.
"57,Garrett...."
The line went dead,the person who broke in could be doing something now that would make your blood churn.I felt comforted though,because I had an excuse.Like the time when I wa beaten up and mugged outside a pub,and when the police found me,two hours later,I was barely able to keep going.I joined the force to help people,not to leave them with no-one to comfort them.It just goes to show,your past is like a ghost.It follows your every move,and when youleast expect it,it pounces like a tiger.The phone rings again,and I divwert the call to the person opposite.

Reviews

Written by ArlingtonRoth (6 comments posted) 25th May 2007
Using a spellchecker lets your readers know you care about their reading experience. 
 
It's not a bad piece. 
Perhaps try leaving the dialogue free of descriptions. Let the dialogue itself insinuate the descriptions. 
 
Lose the final paragraph after announcing the line went dead. 
 
Give a damn about proper spelling and spacing between words. If you need help, ask someone.

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 26th May 2007
Ditto Arlington: 
 
some-one 
adress 
bckground 
flicking along the bottom of the scream.(?) 
I'm s vulnerable 
I wa beaten up 
divwert 
 
Ditto, except I found it a very ordinary piece. 
Plus: 'It flows like a poem, but I hope you can tell the difference'. 
GW, a writers forum, you'd like to think so wouldn't you?

Written by mrsdecember29 (10 comments posted) 6th December 2007
:eek um thats nice but if you really think about it more you can make it more exciting but not bad at all. i loved reading it but next time dont leave us hangin on the details but great job. 
p.s.maybe you can make a sequil. kepp on writing.  
love, 
mrsdecember29

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