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Comedy
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| The Mighty Pong! | |
| By jimbo | ||||||||||||||
| 26 May 2007 | ||||||||||||||
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This came to me a few nights ago, just hadn't gotten around to writing it until tonight. It was done with the 'Chewin' The Fat' team in mind. (Scottish comedy team - very funny.) For those not Scottish - poor people - a fish supper is simply fish and chips ... without chips would be a single fish. Don't know why - but there you go. I hope you enjoy. It's my first bona-fide sketch. SCENE: EXT: AN ARIAL SHOT LOOKING DOWN ON A HIGH STOCKADE-TYPE FENCE - PERHAPS 100 FEET HIGH. ON A LEDGE RUNNING 5 FEET BELOW THE TOP ALONG THE INSIDE OF THE FENCE STANDS A LINE OF DARK-SKINNED NATIVES HOLDING SPEARS AND SHIELDS. THE NATIVES ARE SINGING NONSENSICAL WORDS TO A BACKDROP OF POUNDING TRIBAL DRUMS. THE DRUMS AND VOICES RISE TO A CRESCENDO AND - AS THE DRUMS END ON AN ACCENTED BEAT - THE NATIVES CRY ALOUD ONE WORD: NATIVES (loudly and as one) - PONG! THE SCENE CHANGES TO THE NATIVES VIEWPOINT. WE SEE VERY TALL JUNGLE UNDERGROWTH DOTTED WITH SMALL SAPLINGS. THERE IS MOTION IN THE UNDERGROWTH. SOMETHING IS COMING TOWARDS THE FENCE. THE NATIVES BEGIN TO SHUFFLE NERVOUSLY. SUDDENLY, A NATIVE POINTS TO THE EDGE OF THE UNDERGROWTH. NATIVE (in awestruck wonderment) - Look! It is PONG! FROM THE UNDERGROWTH STEPS WHAT IS VERY OBVIOUSLY A MAN IN A TATTY GORILLA SUIT OF THE TYPE FOUND IN FANCY DRESS STORES. AS HE STEPS FROM THE UNDERGROWTH HE STUMBLES OVER A SAPLING. PONG (kicking at the sapling then trying to break it but only bending it) - What's with the vegetation on this fucking island? If you're not falling over it, it's trying to bloody eat you! NATIVES (Loudly and as one) - PONG! PONG SWEARS UNDER HIS BREATH. PONG - I've told you lot before ... it's KONG! What's difficult to remember about that?! NATIVE - Copyright, mate. Copyright. PONG WALKS TOWARDS THE FENCE AND WE SEE FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT A FEMALE NATIVE HAS BEEN TIED BETWEEN TWO TALL WOODEN POSTS. SHE IS WIDE-EYED WITH FEAR AND HER MOANS ARE OBVIOUSLY BUILDING UP TO A SCREAM. PONG (In disgust) - Another brunette?! PONG LOOKS OVER THE WOMAN THEN NOTICES A VERY LARGE PILE OF BANANAS STACKED ON THE GROUND JUST BEHIND THE CAPTIVE NATIVE. PONG - A brunette and a hundredweight of bananas. That's me sorted for the weekend then, is it? Sex and constipation. Wonderful. I take it you lot are having a party? NATIVE - We must celebrate the sacrifice this virgin makes to keep our God appeased. PONG - A party, then. NATIVE - Um ... yes. PONG - And I'm not invited. NATIVE (Trying not to meet Pong's eyes) - Well ... um ... no. Sorry. PONG - Fucking typical. I never get to go to your parties. Now I'm in a bad mood. PONG LOOKS UP AT THE NATIVES LINING THE TOP OF THE FENCE. PONG (Angrily) - And what's with the bloody great fence? That's okay as far as it goes, but if you want to keep me away from your parties ... don't stick a bloody door in the fucking thing! Honestly. You lot fry my brain. NATIVE - The fence keeps out the mighty dinosaur! PONG - For crying out loud! That was a gecko on its tiptoes. It couldn't see over the fucking grass! NATIVE - Oh mighty Pong! We have offended you! What can we do to right this wrong? PONG PAUSES, THINKING THIS OVER. PONG - Okay. How's this for a deal? If I promise not to crash any more parties, get drunk and start singing 'The Funky Gibbon' ... how about you get me a blonde next time and a fish supper instead of bananas? THERE IS A MURMURING BETWEEN THE NATIVES, SOME NODDING, OTHERS SHAKING THEIR HEADS. VOICES ARE RAISED ANONYMOUS VOICES - Where are we going to get a blonde? - Think of the alcohol we'll save! - I like 'The Funky Gibbon'! FINALLY THERE IS CONCENSUS AND THE NATIVES SPOKESPERSON HOLDS ALOFT HIS SPEAR TO SIGNAL SILENCE. NATIVE - Oh mighty Pong! ... You're on. PONG - Thank Christ for that! Thought you were going to haggle. You could have beaten me down to a redhead and a bag of potatoes. Suckers. NATIVE - Yeah? Well we were prepared to go up to Naomi Watts and a starring role on Broadway! Ha! THERE IS LAUGHTER ALONG THE TOP OF THE FENCE AND PONG LETS LOOSE A STRING OF OBSCENITIES. PONG - I didn't want to go to your stupid party anyway. PONG WALKS TO THE CAPTIVE NATIVE AND UNTIES HER FROM THE WOODEN POSTS. PONG (Taking the woman by the hand and walking off towards the undergrowth) - You and me, doll. How's about it, then? You fancy a night with the mighty Pong? NATIVE WOMAN - I suppose so. I was only going to stay in and wash my hair anyway. You got any pizza? PONG - As long as you like banana topping. PONG TRIPS OVER THE SAME SAPLING HE TRIPPED OVER EARLIER. PONG (Over his shoulder) - And get this fucking grass cut ... before I set the dinosaur on you! FADE TO BLACK, THEN A LONE VOICE ANONYMOUS NATIVE - That's what we get for going through an employment agency.
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