If you are easily offended or dislike school boy humour, you might want to look away.

I did warn you.

World Wind-breaking championships

Today witnessed the final day of the World Wind-Breaking Championships, held in Chicago. Competitors from around the world have been waging a trumping war to see who was to be crowned World Farting Champion.

The event, sponsored by Oust, is the first of what its organisers hope to be an annual event. Ben Blowhard, chairman of the organising committee said: ‘It’s something everyone around the world can take part in. You don’t need top class training venues to prepare, just a liking for brussels sprouts and baked beans.’

Contestants were judged on volume, strength and odour. Contestants stood centre stage at the Carnegie Hall and pointed their bare backsides out across a packed auditorium. A decibel meter was used to measure volume, judges seated in every other row decided on strength – the further the bottom burp travelled the better, and celebrity sniffer, Jilly Goulding, was odour judge. Ben Blowhard was heard to comment that she had just the right shaped nose for crack sniffing. Goulding herself had more to say. What follows are her remarks after sniffing the first guff: ‘Everyone thinks a gentleman’s excuse me always smells of shit, but that’s not the case. Take this one for example. Definite pre-odour of excrement (he really ought to wash his arse – spoils the bouquet) followed by a long and lasting blast of well baked vindaloo. He’s possibly corked this one for weeks. Cracking.’

Eventual winner, John Prescott (UK – Newish Labour Anal Vibration Club) was delighted with his win. ‘Retirement means I can now devote more of my time to what I do best. I’ve been called a lard-arsed old wind bag in my time, and now I’ve proved it.’

Much like the Eurovision Song Contest, next year’s contest will be held in the winner’s home town, Hull. Residents are already booking holidays.

Oust are said to be delighted with the contest. Said Chairman, Ivor Brownring: ‘We’ve had a great week. The profile of competitive pumping has been raised and Oust has been proven to effectively combat all but the worst emissions.

Greenpeace are planning to blockade John Prescott’s arse.