M25

This scene is based on a foreign cab driver of South American decent working in London. Although the cabby will take any fare and claim he is familiar with any location they care to mention, it becomes apparent to his patrons that his grasp of local directions and indeed his grasp of the English language leaves more than a little to be desired.
He is in fact only capable of saying the following phrases:
‘My name is Hormez'
‘Yes'
‘M25' (or hem 25 as he pronounces it) this is his personal favourite.
The character would be someone along the lines of Cheech Marin in appearance and mannerisms, sporting a large moustache and equally large grin.
A typical scene might play out as follows as Hormez finds himself a fare.
‘Do you know Jacobs street in Ealing?'
‘Yes'
‘Good, take me there please' says the patron as he climbs in and closes the door.
‘Hem 25' says Hormez as he pulls away.
‘I'm sorry?' says the man ‘I thought you said ‘M25', you do know where we are going don't you?
‘Yes' replies Hormez, then turning round to grin at his customer says ‘my name is Hormez'
‘Please to meet you, my names Derek' replies the man looking slightly suspicious.
‘Hem 25' says Hormez contentedly to him self as they continue driving.
A while later the patron looks out of the window and realise they are on a rather large, familiar looking stretch of motorway.
‘Hang on' he says, ‘where the hell are we?'
‘Hem 25!!' yells Hormez triumphantly.

 

Alien Diplomats

A scene that features two elongated and ethereal alien visitors from another world. They are tall glowing creatures that move gracefully and ‘come in peace looking to unite and inspire other galactic races'.
They bring an offering; the ‘Globe of Truth'.
The scene is set with them arriving on Earth then approaching what they believe is an appropriate inhabitant upon which they can greet and bestow their wisdom, being for the benefit of all mankind.
They explain to the camera (in their native speech with English subtitles at the bottom of the screen) something along the lines of:
‘We have come from far across the stars to bestow upon your race the great wisdom gifted us;  therefore we offer you this, the sacred Globe of Truth, it is a gift from our race to yours, it is the sum of all our years of searching and technological advancement. With it you may do away with the hurt and suffering of your people and unite in a glorious age of peace and prosperity'
The camera then switches to the ‘person' they are talking to, this turns out to be a dog who is looking at them with a quizzical, lop-sided dog expression, and neither responds nor of course understands a dam word they have said.
They each look at each other and then back at the dog. One of them extends the globe of truth towards it. It sniffs it, and then takes it in its mouth and starts gnawing on it.
Realising they may not have placed this scared device with an appropriate representative after all, they try to retrieve the globe. The dog however is not keen to give up its new toy and they fight to get it from its mouth.
They end up hilariously rolling around in the mud with their robes coming off and their pants exposed.
We close on a shot of them chasing the dog shouting for it to stop.
Another repeat scene is them going through the same speech on a different world.
After the speech is completed a jet of slime squirts into one of their faces and the creature they are speaking to, a farting slug type creature, is shown.
‘Christ almighty' says one to the other.

 

 

General Pinochets disco review

Each week the old Chilean Dictator reviews a different popular nightspot to hilarious consequences.

The Johnson report

This scene makes a play on ‘The Cook Report'. Our hero investigator is Clive Johnson. It's his duty to expose fraud and injustice in the world. However whereas Cook used to receive the occaisional punch Clive receives a sound beating every time he trys to interview someone. His camera crew do nothing to assist, they usually run off and observe the violence from a distance offering comments such as ‘he's getting a proper kicking' or ‘look at his nose, its f cked'. All the can still be seen and heard through the camera.
The still scene advertising the show is a picture of Clive doubled up as he gets punched in the stomach.