Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Everyone's a Perv: The Man Behind Her
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1334 guests online and 4 members online
Shorts
Everyone's a Perv: The Man Behind Her
By Livinginanattic
28 May 2007
This one's been a long time coming. Although it shares the opening scene with my earlier work 'Everyone's a Perv', it is intended as a story in its own right and you don't need to read the other piece first.


As he strode through the park his pulse quickened as he gained on her. She was now just ten yards away and the similarity was striking. Her straight black hair stopped just above her shoulders. Her legs, her figure and her graceful walk reminded him of someone very special to him. Of course it wasn't her, she was still in her teens but his Lorna was 22 when she disappeared from Eddie's life and that was four years ago.

The girl suddenly turned her head and looked at him. He furtively looked at a patch of bluebells on the bank although he had caught a glance at her face. It was quite different from Lorna's, a bit more angular with a fiery look in her eyes.

Eddie spotted a bench by the side of the path and went to sit down. He was in no hurry to get home even though his other Lorna would be there. He hoped Brendan wouldn't be around when he got to the estate. The local tough nut kept demanding money although Eddie didn't owe anything and never took any drugs.


***


When he reached the estate all was quiet apart from a small group of children playing in the street. Eddie climbed the concrete stairs to the second floor and went to his flat. When he opened the door he was greeted with the usual smell of tobacco smoke. "Hello Mum" he said as he walked into the lounge. He expected her to be in because she hardly ever left the flat because of her arthritis.

"I wish you'd get rid of that thing" she said, nodding at the figure seated nearby with its sightless eyes staring ahead. "Gives me the creeps."

"But that's my Lorna."

"I don't know what a fully grown man would want with a something like that. Bloody waste of money. It's disgusting, I know what you do to her. It's about time you moved on. Why don't you get a real girlfriend?"

"But Mum, we've been through all this. That was my own money. I've been working all hours and I'll spend it how I like." He went over to her and carried her dead weight into his bedroom, taking care not to crease her dress.

This was no cheap inflatable from the local sex shop. Eddie had paid over £5,000 for the new Lorna and lavished her with a great deal of care and attention. He bought her clothes, did her make-up and kept her clean. She was top of the range and custom-designed to bear as close a likeness as possible to the original Lorna. As well as an articulated metal skeleton she had silicone rubber flesh which gave her body a realistic weight and feel. Her inbuilt speech synthesiser was programmed with Lorna's favourite phrases such as "What kind of a man are you?" and "I've got a headache." She had a minor technical fault but Eddie didn't mind because it seemed to give her an even greater likeness.


***


That evening he was lying with his doll and gazing at a large framed portrait of the original Lorna when there was a loud bang on the front door. This was followed by a crashing noise with the sound of wood splintering. Someone was coming into the hallway. His legs felt weak as he jumped up and opened his bedroom door to confront the intruder. He recognised the swarthy figure of Brendan going into the lounge and followed him to protect his mother. When he got there he was surprised to hear Brendan say "Oh I do apologise Madam."

"What do you want?" said Eddie with as much authority as he could muster.

The thug's demeanour changed as he turned to glare at him. He grabbed Eddie by the throat and frogmarched him out of the front door and onto the walkway outside. "How about giving me the three hundred quid you owe."

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean. You've had your chances, either pay up or go over this wall" he said, pushing Eddie so he was looking at the ground two floors below.

"But I don't owe you anything."

Brendan gave him another jolt and he almost struggled free. The crop-headed thug pushed him against the edge again and he nearly went over. He knew there was no arguing with this brute but he needed to stall him. "I haven't got three hundred quid and I can't pay."

"Let's see about that" he said as he pushed him back into the flat. He looked into Eddie's bedroom and noticed his computer. He released him and went to the base unit, pulling the leads out from the back before picking it up. "That should do for starters".

"But I paid nine hundred quid for that."

"Well it might do, just." He was glaring at Eddie with a look of utter contempt when a voice piped up from the bed: "Come on big boy!"

Brendan paused. He looked around and his eyes lit up as he caught sight of the doll. "Well hello!" he said gleefully, "What have we here?".

Eddie was horrified. This was the worst thing that could happen. "No please, not her, you can't!"

The base unit crashed to the floor as Brendan made a lunge for the doll. Eddie lost all his fear and blocked his way, and managed to hold Brendan off for a few minutes in spite of their difference in stature. He was surprised by his own reserves of strength as the two of them wrestled on the floor until Brendan broke free and winded him with a blow to the stomach. As Eddie struggled for breath Brendan went over to the doll and carefully lifted her off the bed as her faulty speech synth cut in: "You don't know how to treat a girl you pathetic little jerk."

Eddie managed to take a deep breath and said "Please, you can have my computer, and the monitor and the telly if you like but don't take my Lorna, please."

"Tough shit mate. The computer's no use to me now. Anyway I like her, very much indeed."

As he turned Eddie snatched at the doll's hair but the wig came off its velcro attachment with a loud ripping noise. Then he grabbed her foot and the two men pulled at her in a grotesque game of tug-of-war. Brendan suddenly pushed the doll forward and her leg crashed into the wall, ripping a photo of Eddie and Lorna on their last date together. During the struggle the dress came off and all the limbs got twisted at odd angles. The thug gave another final push and the doll's arm knocked a glass off the shelf, causing the water to splash over her underwear.

Brendan managed to free her with one last tug but Eddie reached for his wooden chair and smashed it over his shoulder. He seemed shaken for a moment but quickly recovered. "Don't you dare try anything like that again you little bastard." As Eddie shrank back he noticed his mother staring across the hallway from the lounge door, with a look of complete astonishment on her face.  Brendan hoisted the doll over his shoulder and took her out through the hall and away from the flat.

Eddie went to the broken front door and heard a group of children giggling outside. He closed it as well as he could and returned to his bedroom where he picked his way past the dishevelled wig and the remains of his chair. He sat down on his bed, suddenly feeling tired and deflated. Then he buried his face in his hands as a tear rolled down his cheek .

Meanwhile his mother sat in the lounge and had a smoke to try and calm herself. The flat would need to be repaired but she hoped the police wouldn't get involved. She was feeling a bit rattled but would settle for the damage to the flat, and to her nerves. It was just a relief to get rid of that thing. She did feel a tinge of guilt but knew Eddie would get over it soon enough.

She turned on the TV and settled in her chair. The nagging pain in her leg seemed to fade as she took a long, relaxing drag at her spliff.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 28th May 2007
Very much enjoyed: 
Lorna's favourite phrases such as "What kind of a man are you?" and "I've got a headache."  
Eh gads! Is there no escape? 
I like the story very much indeed, even if I didn't understand: 
"Anyway I like, very much indeed." 
 
Best wishes 
steve. 
Did the mother plan it?
Written by Asferthecat (851 comments posted) 28th May 2007
I really enjoyed this but there are one or two things that confused me. 
Did his mother plan it? If so, why didn't Brendan go straight to the doll? If not why did she feel guilty? 
What was the doll's minor technical fault? Surely not that she spoke spontaneously - I think they are meant to. 
Loved the black humour. Great story

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 29th May 2007
great technical fault. how realistic LOL! my hubby was telling me about a programme that was on one night about blokes with their rubber dolls, yes apparently they are very sophisticated these days and have all sorts of gadgets on em...women could soon be obselete..yeah but can they cook? think on! :grin  
 
i took it that his mam owed the money to Brendan for all the ganga she was smoking (for her arthritis) 
 
very good in a creepy kind of way.

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 29th May 2007
Dark and funny. I can't help but imagine the look on his mother's face when she would have seen Eddie wrestle Brendan for that doll. Must have been hillarious. The funniest line lorna spoke, "you don't know how to treat a girl you pathetic little jerk", found it really amusing. Liked this a lot, great imagination.  
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 30th May 2007
A weird and quirky piece. I enjoyed the story but for me the highlight was the characters that you drew. I like the way you subveted the stereotype with a few unusual phrases like the one mentioned above. I would have like to know more about the mother and did she engineer the whole thing. 
Good characters 
J
Thank you
Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 30th May 2007
Thanks for your comments Steve, Cat, Janie, TT and BBS. I'm delighted you've all enjoyed the story. I was aiming for wierdness and black humour so it's good to know I've achieved this. 
 
Janie, your understanding of the story is spot on. The mother did plan it. I'll have another look at the ending to see if I can make this a bit clearer. 
 
Cheers, 
Ben 

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 31st May 2007
Unless you've changed it, don't bother; this is clear enough. 
 
Really good story. You left a few subtle clues along the way that all come together in the end. 
 
Good stuff. 
 
Phil

Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 3rd June 2007
Thanks for your advice Phil. I haven't made any changes so I'll leave it as it is, unless I think of something that definitely seems to improve the story. 
 
Cheers.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 15th June 2007
Ooh I liked this, vividly quirky. Not a lot to add to the others really - well done, very enjoyable read. 
 
Elli

Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 17th June 2007
Thanks Elli. I'm quite a fan of quirky stories and I'm glad you enjoyed. 
 
Cheers

Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 15th July 2007
Loved the tints of humour, really well written. One tiny thing, in Brendan's dialogue, shouldn't it be "Anyway, I like HER, very much indeed"? 
 
liked how brendan comes down to his level :)  
 
clo

Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 16th July 2007
Thanks Clo, glad you liked this. 'Anyway I like, very much indeed' is what I imagined Brendan would say, but since a couple of you have mentioned it I've changed it.

Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 22nd August 2007
No need to change anything at all. It's very well written with your trademark humour. The ending is clear. Off to read your other piece with the same title. 
 
Cheers 
 
Chris

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item