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How to get rid of the body? Part 2

By wltshr

29 May 2007

More idle musings

Who'd have thought there'd be so much fat? And so greasy. It took seventeen bottles of Fairy Liquid just to clean up afterwards. And thank goodness for Kitchen Devils - they always stay sharp.

Anyway, job done and no trace left. Shame really. It didn't really go according to plan. Clever move though; joining that creative writing site. Loads of ideas from those guys. Mostly useless, of course, but they have imagination that's for sure. Merge a couple of ideas, refine a little, and hey presto, bye-bye body. I'd have liked it to be the first in a series. But it was a bit of a mess really.

Perfect disposal plan now. As Sarah Beeny says, (and wouldn't I like to bump into her), location, location, location. I’ve bought a stable block and some pasture land in the middle of nowhere. Running water and a nice little well, dry and about 100 feet deep. I can certainly drop a few bodies down there and no mistake. “Come and see my horses, ladies”. Who could resist? And if they do? GHB and a white transit van. How anonymous is that?

Now for a theme. You have to have a theme. All serial killers in the movies, on TV, and in thrillers have a theme. The Seven Deadly Sins, Dante's Inferno, Grimm's Folk Tales, the Deaths of the Apostles, the biblical plagues of Egypt. They've all been done. Vincent Price had a smashing theme in "Theatre of Blood".

I've simply got to have a theme.

It's so difficult. I want to start straight away but with a theme it would be so much more fun. In between victims I can watch the press until, eventually, it becomes obvious and they'll try to second guess me.

So a theme. Simpson’s characters who have died? Not really enough of them. Bleeding Gums Murphy? Dr. Marvin Munroe? Definitely not, I only want girls.

Common names of flowers? No. How the hell are you going to find girls called Rose or Violet unless you go on a Saga holiday?

Dwarves! Kill a grumpy girl, a dopey girl, a sleepy girl, a doctor, and so on. Do you really want to limit yourself to seven?

Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Just concentrate!!!

Letters of the Alphabet? One called Ann, the next Beatrice, then Carol etc etc. Who dun it? Agatha Christie that’s who. The ABC murders.

The police won’t find the bodies so the theme must be in the selection and not the murder itself. So, something religious or really vague.

I’ve got it. Nursery rhymes. There are loads. I’ll follow a Nursery Rhyme theme and if the press or the police are really clever, (if only), the theme will point them directly to where the bodies are. Brilliant.

Now to find a shepherdess, a hill climber called Jill, a gardener called Mary. Here we go gathering girls in May…

Ding, dong dell. Tee Hee!

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 29th May 2007

Brilliant:
'Dwarves! Kill a grumpy girl, a dopey girl, a sleepy girl, a doctor, and so on.'
The first three should be easy enough!
Brilliant:
'Here we go gathering girls in May…'
Quite brilliant, can't wait for part three.

Best wishes
Steve.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 29th May 2007

Ewwww. I'm a gardener called Mary, but I am absolutely not a girl. No cockle shells, either, or pretty maids in a row or a clump or whatever.

This was brilliant, though creepy. I haven't been following these, I am afraid (too busy being ungirlish in the garden), but I can't help but hope he doesn't get away with it.

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 29th May 2007

what? you didn't get a bath from B&Q study science for for years, qualify as a science teacher then pilfer sulphuric acid in your lucazade bottle you know, the one you take your tea break milk to work in?
500mls a day until you had enough to dissolve a body.

this is scary, the voice menacing with psycho undertones but with some good touches of humour too..

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 30th May 2007

Nicely done. This internal monologue style can get a bit "one note" but the little touches of humour avoided that pitfall and also added to the menace. For a serial killer he seems quite personable. I liked going through his thought processes with him. It was strangely compelling.
The flaw for me was that I always thought the theme was everything for a serial killer. It's what prompts the killings. If he's looking for a theme he's a cynic not a nutter. But hey, your'e the expert here, not me. I never kill serially, it's just sporadic
cheers
J

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 30th May 2007

Steve: A brilliant review. Not quite sure where to take it next without serious amounts of detail which would change it from a bit of a gory laugh to a murder thriller.

Witzl: Glad you liked it. If you can find time I'd be keen to hear your thoughts on part 1. (As a gardener called Mary I'm sure you'd like to help me in my research. Perhaps you could PM me with your home address.)

Janie: My method of disposal must, of course, remain secret. I may not take the secret to my grave, but she did.

BBS: The first killing was a bit opportunistic but very enjoyable. This is all new territory. He's not the most confident chap and just wants to get it right. It's not the theme that drives him but the notoriety.

Er?
Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 31st May 2007

Have I got this wrong? I thought this was about an author trying to write a book not a psycho actually killing people.
Either way I love the black humour.

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 1st June 2007

Hi Asferthecat

Thanks for reviewing.

It seems he fooled us all. "Clever move though; joining that creative writing site. Loads of ideas from those guys." I feel used! These damned psychopaths can be so sneaky.

Best

Wltshr

Written by Phil (6688 comments posted) 1st June 2007

Sounds perfectly feasible to me. As for theme - how about 1950s silver screen godesses? Although you might find it hard to find an unwrinkled Doris. (She was a bit of a moose anyway.)

Phil.

Written by Lizzy (790 comments posted) 2nd June 2007

Just read this, really enjoyed it. Going back to find part one now.
Lizzy

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 2nd June 2007

Thanks Phil

I think he was hoping to focus on victims with a slightly lower profile and aged less than 70. But I'll ask...

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 2nd June 2007

Lizzy, I'm glad you enjoyed it. And really pleased you're taking the trouble to read the previous one. I hope you're not disappointed.

Wltshr

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