One might say that the line breaks and style are a bit inappropriate for Haikus, but I still think these have some merit.
May I join your choir,
friends? Harmonize, you and me,
may I sing with thee?
They sing on, and I,
humbled, stop to listen; The
woods prefer the birds.
|
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
Hi Toad.
Didn't get the link between axe and violin, should it not be axe and guitar?
Other than that I thought that it was very pleasant, although saying that, I would have preferred:
'Harmonize, you and me.'
But other than that, still quite pleasant.
Best wishes
Steve |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
You're right about the line breaks, but these still have great merit for me. The first, I particularly liked and they go well together as a three. I was also a little taken aback by the violin - but would have been equally so by a guitar. It sort of appears from nowhere. Sort that and you've got a really pleasant and contemplative trio of mutant haiku.
Phil. |
hmm
Written by Toad (100 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
Reviews sure do help me... there's always an aspect/section of my work that only makes sense in my head. My thinking was that the speaker, struck by the birds' songs, attempted to play a violin in harmony with them, but then realized that it was better to simply listen, and that perhaps he didn't even have the right to be so bold.
What do you think of replacing "violin" with "the critters", or something along those lines, reinforcing the thought of the woods as a community, and its own entity, that a person can observe, but not actually be a part of?
I know that this is pretty deep digging for a couple of haikus, but I'd love some more input.
Also, thanks Steve, harmonize is a better choice. |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
I like original the idea - not sure about 'critters' at all - but where did the violin come from? Unlikely he took it with him to chop down a tree or two. Perhaps he could whip a harmonica out of his hip pocket?
Phil. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
So if he's not going to be plucking the strings, how about:
My voice and I,
humbled, stop to listen; The
woods prefer the birds.
|
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
Phil, put down my axe(guitar) in the first, to tie in with playing the guitar(axe) in the third.
An axe is a guitar, and Vickie Verkie. |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
| How did you get from axe to guitar? |
oof
Written by Toad (100 comments posted) 29th May 2007 |
I changed the third, it may not be perfect but I think it at least makes sense. Examination proved this series to be a bit of a mess.
The first haiku was written independently, not intended to be part of a series...that's the root of the troubles here. Standing alone, it was meant to say, "how could I cut down this tree when it holds singing birds?"
Now I think "axe" somewhat works with either definition...but it might be a better choice to "ax" the entire first haiku from the series. I think the 2nd and 3rd might stand better without it.
I hope the adjustment helps it a bit.
Many, many thanks. |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 30th May 2007 |
| Sweet. A lot has been said above already, but I sure liked it. |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 30th May 2007 |
Reads well to me. I did like the first though. Not sure what you've done with the last, but it is better.
Phil |
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