A cautionary tale to show that hot sunny climates are not all their cracked up to be!
Feedback welcome. Michael lay on his stomach, feeling the sun on his back and neck. Beneath him the deck pitched and yawed gently in time with the mild swell of the ocean. Cass lay prone beside him, already browning and ripening in the early morning rays, wearing her favourite swimsuit, the apple green one with the pale lilac trim.
He opened one eye and raised his head squinting slightly. A strip of blue sky sheared across the horizon, the lapping water below it dissolving into a mosaic of piercing shards. Already the heat was beginning to sting his flesh. He licked dry lips and pictured a tall glass of iced water, moisture trickling down the tumblers sides like sweat. He recalled Cass’s words in those first few days as they lounged on the deck, sailing between the islands.
‘Oh I could just lay here and drift away forever,’ she'd sighed as a radio played faintly in the background, a lively tropical mix of plucky guitars, flutes and bongos’. A gull, hovering on the updraft just off the deck rail, shimmied like a carnival reveller. ‘You’re not the only one.’ He'd muttered lazily.
They had spent the morning exploring the nearest island, poking around palm fringed markets and drinking at beach side bars. Later, mildly drunk they lay in the afternoon sun as the yacht ploughed on through turquoise seas towards the next piece of land.
Cass had turned onto her back, her oiled body flashing in the sun like a minnow. ‘Captain Joe was telling me that the coconuts fall into the sea here and get washed up all the way onto the coast of Britain.’
‘Yep, it’s the gulf stream that carries them,’ Michael had replied sagely. Amazed that this paradise of blue skies and caramel skinned people could have even the most tenuous link with their own mundane island of red bricks, dingy pavements and dish water skies.
‘I’m dreading going home already.’ She’d murmured ruefully. Michael had chuckled. ‘Let’s make a wish that we can drift away forever.’
‘Please, whoever’s listening…’ She'd cried out mock dramatically to the clear skies above the boat.
His mind came back to the here and now with a lurch.
The slightest of breezes simpered across the deck. Michael gave a sigh, feeling his skin tighten and goose bump. He arched his body like a cat eager for more. Then it was gone, the heat blooming across his back again. Sweat trickled and played on his skin.
This trip was to have been the holiday of a lifetime. Hiring their own private yacht and crew to go cruising between the islands for a fortnight. It had cost a small fortune. The fifth night had marked their tenth wedding anniversary.
He gave a twisted, mournful smile at the memory of it.
He’d dressed in a tuxedo, she in a plain cream dress, it’s elegant simplicity the perfect foil for her dark, tanned beauty. Captain Joe and the rest of the crew had set up a little table on deck and served them wine and an entrée of oysters with sword fish as the main course. The evening had been perfect, jazz from a hi-fi languishing in the balmy silken air, stars, perfectly complementing the diamonds at her ears and throat, mirrored in a sea as flat and soft as smoked glass.
After the meal the crew retired and left them dancing on deck. Locked against each other, he'd dropped a kiss on her neck, tasting the heat and perfume of her skin. They'd danced into the small hours. Gently swaying on a gently rolling deck over a gently lilting sea. The whole world in perfect synchronisation.
‘I love you!’ They'd murmured to each other.
It’s been worth every penny. Michael had thought serenely.
And that had been the last good night.
Now he dared not turn his head to look at her. She lay rigid, not speakin. She hadn’t spoken since last night.
He felt a spiteful, mewling guilt gnaw hungrily at his heart.
It’s all my fault…my fault.
The rhythmic lapping of the water did it’s best to sooth him but his mind fretted and his head ached. Too much sun did that to him. We should never have come here! My fault!
The temptation rose again. It floated enticingly in his mind, shameful and compelling.
Appalled that he could harbour such thoughts when she was lying just feet from him, he plunged his hand into the relative cool of the water in a bid to gain some kind of relief. The moment he did so a dark triangle rose from the depths and scythed the water with a hiss. He moaned, pulling his hand out hurriedly, the blood from the wound in his arm was like a beacon. The crusted gash split every time he moved, he had nothing to bind it with.
They’d been sitting on the deck in just their swimsuits, letting the evening breeze cool their sun baked skin when the explosion had ripped through the boat. Blown overboard they’d trod water, weakening, adding their voices to the drowning cries that rose in the night around them. Then a jagged piece of decking had floated past. By the time they’d scrambled onto it the ocean was silent.
At first he had tried to reassure her as she lay gasping and sobbing. Rescue would come and if not they were bound to wash up on one of the many islands. They'd spent that first night huddled against each other, watching and listening for the tell tale signs of salvation, lights, the chugging of a helicopter or rythmic growl of a ships engine. But the early dawn had revealed an amethyst ocean stretching barren and empty in all directions and Michael began thinking nervously about gulf streams and coconuts on cold grey shores.
Cold grey shores! What a beautiful thought!
His mind conjured blonde beaches and leaden waters bordered by hills as soft as felt and clouds the colour of swansdown drifting in the cool air. How good it would be to open his eyes and see that now, feel the cool, briny gusts against his skin.
But when he lifted his head he saw only a hard implacable slab of blue and the white blister of the sun shimmering above, burning the skin from his back.
His dry bloated tongue pushed numbly between cracked lips. He turned his head and clamped them to the leaking wound on his arm, desperately sucking at the coppery salty liquid but the sensation triggered the awful desire once more. Almost without thinking he raised his gaze and looked straight at Cass. She stared back at him, through him, beyond him. Her eyes as blue, glassy and empty as the ocean around them. The sunlight glimmered playfully against the irises, giving a cruel illusion of life.
How long had it been now? Three days…four. How much longer could he last without food…without liquid.
He looked at her still body, the curving flesh brown and baked in the sun like meat on a spit. He felt ravenous, parched, maddened. He imagined what it would be like to bite into the soft flesh, to feel the fluids within her trickle against his withered lips.
How much longer could he last!
They could drift away like this forever.
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Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 30th May 2007 | be careful what you wish for.. again lovely descriptive prose in this contrasting with the horror...great stuff! i had an inkling at the beginning that cass was dead, the word 'ripening' got me thinking along those lines but oh jeez how afwful! the shark too, i'd be terrified...really like how he described england as dingy pavements and dishwater skies and then when yearning for home it was soft felt clouds drifting in cool air...yep i felt hot blistered and thirsty reading of them on deck. there was no mention of any other guests on the yacht, i had a picture of just the couple and the crew and still wasn't sure at the end if any other guests had been travelling. if this was mine, i would start the story with them on deck and cass lying dead in present tense, then all the flashbacks and back story in simple past tense, alternating between present and past tense as you go...it would give the reader a clearer picture of the here and now and what happened before..i got a little muddled with the tenses as it's written now, and wasn't completely sure what was happening now and what had happened before as the plu perfect used for the back story isn't consistant, no you don't want loads of he'ds and she'd and hads but think you needed a few more than what you had in there to denote we were in plu perfect and that the events had happened in the past past if you know what i mean...see how confusing these bloody past tenses are? lol...using present and simple past tense avoids plu perfect all together so there is no confusion. some of your speech tags are in caps instead of lower case...here..and do you need a (!) if they are murmering and muttering lazily? Quote:
‘I love you!’ They murmured to each other. Quote:
‘I’m dreading going home!’ She’d murmured. Quote:
‘You’re not the only one!’ He muttered lazily. also iris's i think the plural is irises. really enjoyed the story, what a great idea and macabre with it. | Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Agree totally with your observations....on everything actually. First time I ever churned something out and posted it all in the one day. I should have revised it a little more I think. Am I allowed to go back and change it or should I leave it as it is as an example of the perils of damnable hubris and vanity. | Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | of course you're allowed to change it why you asking? it's your story to do as you like with...personally i'd love to see the tenses changed, just to see how it works, i reckon it'd improve it no end. although it's very good as it is too. | Loved it Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | I was fine with the tenses. ripening seemed an odd an interesting word to use for browning/reddening but it never occured to me that she was dead. Beautifully written. Was the strip of blue at the beginning distant land?
| Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Lol everytime someone mentions something I think might not be right with it I go running back to tinker. This piece has had more cosmetic changes than Pete Burns and I've learnt a valuable lesson about not posting on the same day I finish something. But thanks all for your input it's been invaluable. Much obliged. | Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Hi Phil. Enjoyed the story and don't agree with Janie. It's only a short one and if you start off with her dead there seems little point in reading on, other than morbid curiosity. They were lying on the deck, Cass was dead. THE END A sombre tale, but this made me laugh: 'her oiled body flashing in the sun like a minnow' At least he didn't call the woman he loved, a trout! I'm trying to think of an alternative, dolphin seems more elegant. Or: her body flashing in the sun like a well oiled cricket bat. her oiled body flashing in the sun like a well lubricated ball joint. her oiled body flashing in the sun like a greasy sausage. her oiled body flashing in the sun like bootta ont knafe. Sorry, I shall go now. Best wishes and keep up the good work. Steve | Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | | i think maybe you've misunderstood me,.. starting off with cass dead...yes it does already start off with cass dead as it is now, it's just that we as the reader don't know that until the end..i didn't mean for phill to let the reader know this, i meant for him to keep the story exactly as it is except change the tenses. | Drift Away Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Ooo scary. I liked the story and did not know that the poor lass was dead until the end. Good descriptive writing, really summed up the feeling of being pampered on a yacht. Cliff | Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Ok I'm not proud....help me I was trying to keep her death a secret until the end-or relatively near it-how have I blown it. | Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Hello again Phil. All that you can really do is delay the inevitable. Taking into consideration what has already been said above about tense etc. You need to read through the first half and decide whether there are any tell-tale signs that indicate that they are adrift, because once the reader realises that they are no longer on the deck of the ship (as a whole) then he/she will start to suspect that somethings up. you need to remove tell-tale words like: Cass lay (prone) beside him, already browning and (ripening) in the early morning rays, wearing her favourite swimsuit, the apple... "Cass lay beside him wearing her favourite apple-green swimsuit, the early morning sunlight browning her skin." says more or less the same thing but doesn't give anything away. Now he dared not turn his head to look at her. She lay (rigid,) not speakin. She hadn’t spoken since last night. "Cass just lay there not speaking, she hadn’t spoken to him since last night and he couldn't bring himself to look at her." again says more or less the same thing. By the way, you have a typo on speakin(g). As soon as you start referring to Cass as HER and SHE, we start to realise that something serious is up, because before that it had been all murmured(whispered) 'I Love You(s)' The longer that you can keep the reader thinking that that are still on the boat, and that the worst that might have happened is they've had a bit of a falling out (hence not speaking) then the better the final impact will be. All the best. steve | Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 1st June 2007 | i had time on my hands.. so i changed tenses on your story to see how it looks. steve makes some good points above...although when reading for the first time i wasn't absolutely sure until the end that cass was dead (just had an inkling from a few words and their conotations) so i don't think you've failed at all phil, but reckon you could take out a few telling words like ripening etc that gets the reader's mind working along those lines..incidentally, can a body still tan after death? i have no idea but would be interested to know... anyway here's your plu perfect free story, see what you think to the tense change...i won't be offended if you don't like it, it was as a learning exercise for me as anything else. Michael lies on his stomach, feeling the sun on his back and neck. Beneath him the deck pitches and yawns gently in time with the mild swell of the ocean. Cass lies prone beside him, already browning and ripening in the early morning rays, wearing her favourite swimsuit, the apple green one with the pale lilac trim. He opens one eye and raises his head, squinting slightly. A strip of blue sky shears across the horizon, the lapping water below it dissolves into a mosaic of piercing shards. Already the heat is beginning to sting his flesh. He licks dry lips and pictures a tall glass of iced water, moisture trickling down the tumblers sides like sweat. He recalls Cass’s words in those first few days as they lounged on the deck, sailing between the islands. ‘Oh I could just lay here and drift away forever,’ she sighed as a radio played faintly in the background, a lively tropical mix of plucky guitars, flutes and bongos’. A gull, hovered on the updraft just off the deck rail, shimmying like a carnival reveller. ‘You’re not the only one,’ he muttered lazily. They spent the morning exploring the nearest island, poking around palm fringed markets and drinking at beach side bars. Later, mildly drunk, they lay in the afternoon sun as the yacht ploughed on through turquoise seas towards the next piece of land. Cass turned onto her back, her oiled body flashed in the sun like a minnow. Captain Joe told him that the coconuts fell into the sea here and were washed up all the way onto the coast of Britain. ‘Yep, it’s the gulf stream that carries them,’ Michael replied sagely. Amazed that this paradise of blue skies and caramel skinned people could have even the most tenuous link with their own mundane island of red bricks, dingy pavements and dish water skies. ‘I’m dreading going home already,’ she murmured ruefully. Michael chuckled. ‘Let’s make a wish that we can drift away forever.’ ‘Please, whoever’s listening…’ she cried out mock dramatically to the clear skies above the boat. His mind came back to the here and now with a lurch. The slightest of breezes simpers across the deck. Michael sighs, feeling his skin tighten and goose bump. He arches his body like a cat eager for more. Then it is gone, the heat blooms across his back again. Sweat trickles and plays on his skin. This trip was to have been the holiday of a lifetime. Hiring their own private yacht and crew to go cruising between the islands for a fortnight. It had cost a small fortune. The fifth night had marked their tenth wedding anniversary. He gives a twisted, mournful smile at the memory of it. He was dressed in a tuxedo, she in a plain cream dress, its elegant simplicity the perfect foil for her dark, tanned beauty. Captain Joe and the rest of the crew set up a little table on deck and served them wine and an entrée of oysters with sword fish as the main course. The evening was perfect, jazz from a hi-fi, languishing in the balmy silken air. Stars perfectly complemented the diamonds at her ears and throat, mirrored in a sea as flat and soft as smoked glass. After the meal the crew retired and left them dancing on deck. Locked against each other, he dropped a kiss on her neck, tasting the heat and perfume of her skin. They danced into the small hours. Gently swaying on a rolling deck over a lilting sea. The whole world was in perfect synchronisation. ‘I love you,’ they murmured to each other. ‘It’s been worth every penny,’ Michael thought serenely. And that had been the last good night. Now he dares not turn his head to look at her. She lies rigid, not speaking. She hasn’t spoken since last night. He feels a spiteful, mewling guilt gnaw hungrily at his heart. It’s all my fault…my fault. The rhythmic lapping of the water does it’s best to sooth him but his mind frets and his head aches. Too much sun did that to him. We should never have come here! My fault! The temptation rises again. It floats enticingly in his mind, shameful and compelling. Appalled he can harbour such thoughts when she is lying just feet from him, he plunges his hand into the relative cool of the water in a bid to gain some kind of relief. The moment he does, a dark triangle rises from the depths and scythes the water with a hiss. He moans, pulling his hand out hurriedly, the blood from the wound in his arm is like a beacon. The crusted gash splits every time he moves, he has nothing to bind it with. They were sitting on the deck in just their swimsuits, letting the evening breeze cool their sun-baked skin when the explosion ripped through the boat. Blown overboard they trod water, weakening, adding their voices to the drowning cries that rose in the night around them. Then a jagged piece of decking floated past. By the time they scrambled onto it, the ocean was silent. At first he tried to reassure her as she lay gasping and sobbing. Rescue would come and if not they were bound to wash up on one of the many islands. They spent that first night huddled against each other, watching and listening for the tell tale signs of salvation, lights, the chugging of a helicopter or rhythmic growl of a ships engine. But the early dawn revealed an amethyst ocean stretching barren and empty in all directions and Michael began to think nervously about gulf streams and coconuts on cold grey shores. Cold grey shores! What a beautiful thought! His mind conjures blonde beaches and leaden waters bordered by hills as soft as felt and clouds the colour of swansdown drifting in the cool air. How good it would be to open his eyes and see that now, feel the cool, briny gusts against his skin. But when he lifts his head he sees only a hard implacable slab of blue and the white blister of the sun shimmering above, burning the skin from his back. His dry bloated tongue pushes numbly between cracked lips. He turns his head and clamps them to the leaking wound on his arm, desperately sucking at the coppery, salty liquid but the sensation triggers the awful desire once more. Almost without thinking he raises his gaze and looks straight at Cass. She stares back at him, through him, beyond him. Her eyes as blue, glassy and empty as the ocean around them. The sunlight glimmers playfully against the irises, giving a cruel illusion of life. How long has it been now? Three days…four. How much longer can he last without food…without liquid. He looks at her still body, the curving flesh brown and baked in the sun like meat on a spit. He feels ravenous, parched, maddened. He imagines what it would be like to bite into the soft flesh, to feel the fluids within her trickle against his withering lips. How much longer can he last! They could drift away like this forever.
| Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 1st June 2007 | That works really well Janie, thanks so much. It seems to give it more of an emotional punch too, especially towards the end. I do seem to have trouble with plotting and pacing thing so they hang together neatly at times because I can't draw back and look at it objectively, what with that and all my other flaws I shouldn't really be let near a keyboard The only other thing I'm still keen to do is draw out the moment when the reader realises that 'summat's oop' until a bit later in the story. I'm working on that now but I'd like to use your idea with the present tense too now I've read it. I'm really appreciative of the feedback from all of you but Steve this obsession with oiled sausages and cricket bats...is there something you're not telling us Honest thanks so much. Phil | Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 1st June 2007 | yes, he likes to play cricket at barbeques "all my other flaws I shouldn't really be let near a keyboard" RUBBISH! I really like your writing, actually now with the tense change i think it exposes the tell tale signs that she's dead better, so you know which bits to address to hide them....or maybe i'm too close to this now to be objective anymore LOL! anyway phil, i know what it's like not to be able to be objective about one's own work, i can spot mistakes in everyone's work but my own..what i do, is put it away for several weeks before looking at it again, then it all seems new again and i can see where it can be improved. | Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 2nd June 2007 | I feel guilty giving a brief review after all that - but brief it shall be. I enjoyed this. I guess it's a pretty well worn storyline, but you handled it well and kept me reading with interest through to the end. Phil. |
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