This is a shorty and I hope it makes sense in the story on how the woman is a ghost reincarnated into the wind which she then goes into the "Light". I just felt like doing some reincarnation stuff so yea. The "Light" was something I felt like a set-back in life..not like the other version which people feel happy when they get there..I just felt it was a phase where people go back to remember their ups and downs. The pain she felt at first symbolized the bad times in her life while the joy resembled the happy times. Just something to balance out, I guess. In one breathless motion, she maneuvered herself around the boy. She caressed his dark curls of hair as he fumbled through the puzzles he was playing on the rock. Soft rushes of cool water splashed against the hard stone. She tried to gain his attention but he wouldn’t face her.
Desperately, she placed herself next to him and whispered slow, mesmerizing lullabies that she had once sang to him but he wouldn’t look up. Instead, he continued to play with his puzzles.
The sun was fading slowly. Hues of magenta and auburn blended in the sky. For a while, the boy paused in his play and stared in awe at the scene before him. He glanced longingly at the flock of seagulls heading south. But soon, his eyes wandered back to his puzzle where he hummed a tune to himself.
A tear lingered within the corner of her left eye. She reached out for him but withdrew for she was afraid of his response. There must be a way he would know.
Swooping around him, she tugged his shirt but he only saw it as a mere breeze and shook her off. She blew into his face but he showed annoyance in his expression and turned away from her. Heart-broken, she sat once again on the rock and sighed.
“Why can’t you see me?” she murmured.
At this, the boy looked up with his pitch-black eyes. At first, he thought he heard a sound; something like a whisper. She eagerly sat straight up.
“Maybe he does hear me”, she thought.
But then, he was back amusing himself with his stupid puzzle. She cried out in fury.
The boy’s name was heard. A young man with fair blonde hair called out to the boy. Quickly, he plopped the puzzle pieces inside the tin box and hurried towards the house. She trailed behind his steps and soon found herself in the house she loved. The lavender fragrance filled her nose. A fire crackled in the hearth next to her.
Soft satin curtains draped lazily over the windows. It was already night. Candles illuminated the kitchen that stood before her. She drew in one breath and followed the boy as he skipped along the flight of stairs.
Cautiously, she tip-toed her way to the youngster’s room. Opening the door ever so slightly, a field of stars greeted her from the boy’s ceiling. He was fast-asleep.
Kneeling beside him, she gazed at his smooth face. It was a beautiful sight to behold. She ran her fingertips against his forehead. He swarmed.
“Don’t”, he whispered.
She backed away, surprised.
“Can you hear me?” she questioned.
“Yes.” His eyes were still closed.
“Do you know who I am?”
“Yes. You are my mother.” A small smile tugged the corners of his small mouth.
“Then why did you ignore me today?”
There was a pause. She nervously waited.
“Because I can’t see you. You’re dead, Mother.”
His response was alarming. She stared at her little son. Her face was pale in the luminescence of the moon.
“I only feel you as a wind”, he continued.
His lips stopped as he drifted onto sleep, his dreams waiting to take him away. But she wasn’t ready for that. Feverishly, she tugged and shook him. She wanted to know more. But it was already too late. And then, something inside her felt strange. Her son’s room became blurry in vision and then a bright spark of light struck her. She felt like being hit by a tornado. Pain ripped through her body. Heat scorched her eyes. But then, tremendous joy filled inside, overcoming the pain, and no longer was she kneeling by her boy.
Rays of warm sunlight seeped through the curtains of the room. The dark curly-haired lad awoke and smelled the aroma of fried bacon and eggs. He smiled greedily and plopped out of bed.
|
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 30th May 2007 | Hello Vicky. For someone of your age this is a very deep and meaningful little tale and you obviously have a good imagination and feel for a story. However, it does need a bit of an overhaul and perhaps I can help? For instance: ‘She caressed his dark curls of hair as he fumbled through the puzzles he was playing on the rock.’ This doesn’t read particularly well, perhaps; ‘She caressed his dark curls of hair as he fumbled through the puzzles (that) he was playing (with) on the rock.’ lullabies that she had once sang to him (I could be wrong but should that not be ‘sung’?) This also doesn’t read particularly well: ‘But soon, his eyes wandered back to his puzzle where he hummed a tune to himself.’ Perhaps; ‘But soon, his eyes wandered back to his puzzle (as) he hummed a tune to himself.’ Most of the story is told from the POV of the ghost, yet there are a couple of uncomfortable changes of POV, this being one of them: ‘At this, the boy looked up with his pitch-black eyes. At first, he thought he heard a sound; something like a whisper.’ Perhaps; ‘At this, the boy looked up with his pitch-black eyes as if he had heard a sound. Had he heard her whispering to him?’ This also doesn’t read particularly well: ‘The boy’s name was heard.’ Perhaps; ‘She heard the boy’s name being called, and looked up to see a blond-haired man…’ etc. This also doesn’t read particularly well: ‘The lavender fragrance filled her nose.’ It makes it sound as if we should expect the fragrance to be present. Perhaps; ‘The fragrance of lavender filled her nose.’ Also: ‘as he skipped along the flight of stairs.’ You normally ship ‘along’ flat surfaces. Perhaps; ‘As he skipped up the stairs.’ Incorrect punctuation, and in the wrong place: “Don’t”, he whispered. - “Don’t.” He whispered “I only feel you as a wind”, - “I only feel you as the wind.” ‘She felt like being hit by a tornado.’ This sounds as if she wanted to be hit by a tornado, as in, she felt like making a cup of coffee.’ Perhaps; ‘She felt like she had been hit by a tornado.’ Is there a word or two missing here? ‘tremendous joy filled inside’ Perhaps; 'A tremendous joy filled her -or- she was filled with a tremendous joy.' drifted onto sleep - drifted to sleep? This also doesn’t read particularly well: ‘Her son’s room became blurry in vision’ Perhaps; ‘Her vision of her son’s room became blurred.’ or ‘Her son's room blurred to her vision.' There is also a strange time lapse issue: ‘The lavender fragrance filled her nose. A fire crackled in the hearth next to her. Soft satin curtains draped lazily over the windows. It was already night. Candles illuminated the kitchen that stood before her. She drew in one breath and followed the boy as he skipped along the flight of stairs. Cautiously, she tip-toed her way to the youngster’s room. Opening the door ever so slightly, a field of stars greeted her from the boy’s ceiling. He was fast(-)asleep.’ When they were on the beach the sun was setting, she follows him into the house and it is already night, she follows him up the stairs and as she enters the room he is already in bed fast asleep? I take it that in the end her son’s acknowledgement of her being dead released her spirit? Hope that this helps, you are young, who says that you can’t make a career out of writing? Best wishes Steve.
| Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Hello again Vicky. Having slept on your story (you see, it was that good that I dreampt about it!) I have found you a quick and simple way of getting rid of that time lapse problem. I hope that you won't mind, but I have taken the liberty of editing (only slightly!) your original story, see what you think. All you need now is for Janie to come along and sort out my punctuation and we're done!! * Soft rushes of cool water splashed against the rocks, as in one breathless motion she manoeuvred herself around the boy and caressed his dark curls of hair, while he simply fumbled through the puzzle that he was playing with. Once more she tried to gain his attention, but he would not look at her. In desperation she placed herself next to him, whispering slow, mesmerizing lullabies that she had once sung to him, yet still he would not look up and continued to play with his puzzles. The sun was fading slowly and hues of magenta and auburn began to blend in the sky, and the boy paused in his play and stared in awe at the scene unfolding before him, gazing longingly at the flock of seagulls that were heading south. But soon his eyes wandered back to his puzzle. He hummed a tune to himself. A tear lingered in the corner of her left eye and she reached out to him, but withdrew before touching him, afraid of his response. There must be a way that she could let him know? Swooping around she tugged at his shirt, but the boy felt it merely as a gentle breeze and shook her off. She blew into his face but he showed annoyance in his expression and turned away. Heartbroken, she sat once again on the rock and sighed. “Why can’t you see me?” she murmured. At this, the boy looked up with his pitch-black eyes as if he had heard a sound. 'Had he heard her whispering to him?' But then he was back amusing himself with his stupid puzzle. She cried out in fury. Presently she heard the boy’s name being called and looked up to see a fair, blond-haired man waving from the veranda. The boy quickly placed the puzzle pieces inside his tin box and hurried back the house. Alone, she sat on the rock and watched the setting sun - the sunsets always looked so beautiful from the beach. * It was night, and she found herself standing in the house she loved so much. A dying fire crackled in the hearth and the gentle aroma of fresh lavender filled her nose. Soft satin curtains draped lazily over the windows and in the kitchen she saw the faint glow of candles. She drew in a breath and made her way upstairs. Cautiously, she eased open the door and tiptoed into the boy’s room. From the ceiling shone a field of luminous stars. The boy was fast-asleep. Kneeling beside the bed she gazed at his smooth face. It was a beautiful sight to behold. She ran her fingertips against his forehead. He swarmed. “Don’t.” he murmured. The sound of his voice took her by surprise. “Can you hear me?” she questioned. “Yes.” He replied, his eyes still closed. “Do you know who I am?” “Yes, you’re my mother.” A smile tugged the corners of his small mouth. “Then why did you ignore me today?” There was a pause, and nervously she waited for his reply. “Because I can’t see you, mother. You’re dead, I only feel you as a wind.” His answer was alarming. She stared at her little son; her face pale in the luminescence of the moon, as he drifted into a deep sleep where his dreams were waiting to take him away. But she wasn’t ready to let him go, and feverishly tugged and shook him. She wanted to know more, but she sensed that it was already too late, something inside her felt strange. Her vision blurred, and a bright spark of light struck her, and she felt as if she had been hit by a tornado as pain ripped through her body and heat scorched her eyes. But then, suddenly filled with a sense of great joy, the pain abated, and she found that she was no longer kneeling by her son’s bed. * Rays of warm sunlight crept into the room. The curly-haired lad awoke, and smelling the aroma of fried bacon and eggs, he smiled greedily and plopped out of bed. Best wishes Steve. | Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | P.S. Had you been listening to 'Bring Me To Life' before you wrote this? My spirit sleeping somewhere cold, until you find it there and lead me back home. Call my name and save me from the dark, save me from the nothing I've become, only you are the life among the dead! | Wind Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | A nice gentle story portraying maternal love. Good work from anyone, let alone a fourteen year old. I hope you take on board everything Steve has said, you can learn a great deal from experts such as he. Carry on writing to this standard and I'm sure you will bring a lot of pleasure to your readers. Good luck Cliff | Thanks! Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | | Wow! Thanks Steve! And thanks for your comment 2 Cliff! I wasn't listening Bring Me Back To Life but I like that song. (Do you listen to a lot of Evanescence songs, Steve?) I just wrote it for a contest at another website. Anyways, thanks again. | Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | I have the first CD, and am listening to it as I type. Everybody's Fool is playing at the moment, great stuff!! Best wishes. | Beautiful Written by Asferthecat (851 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | A beautiful story. I had no idea you were so young until I read the reviews. I found the time jumps disconcerting but I assume that time is different when you are a ghost. I particularly like the way the dead woman is full of grief and longing while her son takes her death very matter-of-factly. A fascinating contrast. | Written by peeano1 (86 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | | Aw man! No way! I really want to get their CDs but my mummy and daddy won't let me spend on stuff for now...well..at least I have youtube and other sites to listen off from..Everybody's Fool is awesome! |
Only registered users can rate and write comments. Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |