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The pond was swimming with new life as nature once again blesses the cool crisp waters, shimmering under the hot radiant sun. Ducks glide over the pond with their young frantically paddling close behind, colourful fish dash underneath with their babies bobbing in and out of the small rocks showing them how to avoid any unnecessary dangers. Frogs spawning at the waters edge, staying close by to deter any unwelcome hungry guests, and the baby dragonfly looses his way as he hovers over the vast ocean like waters watched by the fish, chased by the ducks and swallowed by the frog!
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gulp...
Written by strawberryshrapnel (61 comments posted) 30th May 2007 | swallowed by the frog! noooooo.....
I loved this because its how I see things,its all beautiful,until...
but then its is nature so we cant find fault? I used to have a fishpond and I was very close to my fish,they fed out of my hands,I miss them. I also have a love of feeding ducks. so this is a subject close to my heart. I enjoyed it very much
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Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 30th May 2007 | Welcome wiccan, I hope you enjoy your stay.
Firstly, your work is actually 100 words, because ocean like should actually be ocean-like.
Also: The pond was swimming with new life as nature once again blesses the cool crisp waters.
I believe that this should be either; The pond (is) swimming with new life as nature once again blesses the cool crisp waters.
Or; The pond was swimming with new life as nature once again (blessed) the cool crisp waters.
Also: colourful fish dash underneath with their babies bobbing in and out of the small rocks showing them how to avoid any unnecessary dangers.
This reads that it is the babies showing the colourful fish how to stay out of danger.
You also have baby and babies in very close proximity.
The pond is swimming with new life as nature once again blesses the cool crisp waters that are shimmering beneath the hot radiant sunshine. Ducks glide serenely upon the surface of the water with their young frantically paddling behind, whilst down below the colourful fish dash between rocks showing their newborn how to avoid unnecessary dangers. Frogs spawn at the waters edge, never straying, intent on deterring unwelcome hungry guests. And the baby dragonfly looses his way as he hovers over the vast ocean-like waters, being watched by the fish, chased by the ducks, and then swallowed by the frog!
Best wishes
Steve.
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Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Hi wiccan, what a lovely fresh feeling this has to it, just like spring itself, some gorgeous images too.
I agree with steve regarding the tense change…also there is some missing punctuation..I hope you don’t mind, I copied this to a doc and had a play making sure it kept at 100 words… changed the punctuation, edited out a few superfluous words, changed some present participles back as I thought there were few too many.. and then couldn’t resist changing the odd word for what I consider to be a better flow…sorry! I tried hard to resist! you may not agree, but have a read and see what you think…maybe you’ll take the middle ground and use a little of each of the 3 versions.
The pond is swimming with new life as nature once again blesses the cool, crisp waters that shimmer under the hot, radiant sun. Ducks glide over the pond, their young frantically paddling close behind. Colourful fish dash (dart?) underneath (beneath?) with their babies, bobbing in and out of small rocks, showing them how to avoid danger. Frogs spawning at the waters edge stay close by to deter any unwelcome, hungry guests; and the baby dragonfly loses his way as he hovers over the vast, ocean-like waters, watched by the fish, chased by the ducks, until finally he’s swallowed by the frog!
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Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | | PS that should be 'unnecessary danger'.i forgot to replace it to keep within 100. |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | WOW! Two edits for the price of one, what a lucky wiccan you are.
It just shows what a pleasant picture you must have painted, that two GW members decided to play in your pond!
Best wishes
Steve |
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | Nature is cruel  Especially to those at the lower end of the food-chain. Nice very short story. | pond life .101 words
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | You paint a lovely picture of nature at work in the early days of Spring.
Steve and Janie have done all the hard work so I'll leave that side of it to them and just say thanks for summoning up this picture of, what could be happening in my own garden.
Cliff | Charming
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 31st May 2007 | A charming picture but baby dragonflies are hideous tadpole-eating underwater creatures with mouths like traps. They emerge fully grown and sexually mature. However it is a nice irony that frogs should eat them after all the tadpoles they have eaten - nature eh.
Keep writing |
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 2nd June 2007 | All the suggestions re editing have been mentioned.
So all it leaves me to say is that a charming picture was painted in very few words and very nicely finished.
Wltshr |
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