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| It Trolls for Thee | |
| By Sir_Nigel | ||||||||||||||||||
| 31 May 2007 | ||||||||||||||||||
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This is just a bit of nonsense I wrote one afternoon. Once, long ago, through a deep dark forest there galloped a brave and handsome knight - a knight so strapping and handsome that ladies would either swoon or drop 'em at the very sight of him. Either way, this handsome knight always got his oats, him not being too picky whether they were actually conscious or not. But that’s by the way. Happening upon a clearing in woods he came across a fair damsel, bosom a-heaving, bound to a post with hempen ropes. He halted his trusty steed - Thrust. ‘Lady Clemydia’ he exclaimed, for he knew the lady quite well, ‘However did you come to be bound to a post in a forest - this seems an unlikely source of amusement even for you.’ ‘Oh brave Sir Randolf.’ she breathed (for such was his name) ‘this is indeed not my idea of fun. I was kidnapped by a wicked troll - a hideous, crook-backed, smelly, flea-ridden troll with one eye, a hideous pox-scarred face and no teeth who calls himself One-eyed, Stinky, Hunchback, Pox-faced, Toothless, Flea-bitten Jeremy.’ ‘Hmm, and did this troll give a reason for your abduction by any chance?’ ‘Well - he was rather vague on the matter.’ she told him. ‘But there are a couple of other ladies over there similarly constrained, who perhaps might be able to help.’ She nodded towards the edge of the clearing where, also lashed to posts the brave knight spotted the two ladies - the beautiful and vivacious Princess Insatia, whom Sir Randolf also knew rather well, and her sort of OK-ish looking ladies maid Patsy whom he knew not. He galloped over to where they stood. ‘Well well well haha beautiful and vivacious Princess Insatia,’ he said, ‘I thought you said this sort of shenanigins wasn’t really your cup of tea.’ ‘It isn’t ‘ she insisted, ‘it was that damned troll whatever-his-name-is who put me here. He crept into my room by night, took me and poor Patsy here by surprise and…’ ‘Lawks a mercy sir, that’s right, got us bang to rights that he did.’ interrupted the chirpy and slightly too presumptuous Patsy. ‘ Are you here to rescue us sir?’ ‘Well….yes’ said Sir Randolf, ‘that’s the idea - that is pretty much what I do. Along with swiving, tupping and, what’s that other archaic word for the procreative act?’ He wrinkled his brow as the ladies looked at him blankly. ‘Anyway, no matter, brace yourselves ladies for I must now unsheathe my mighty blade and… ‘Not so fast Sir Knight!’ cried a voice and the ugly troll Jeremy limped into the clearing waving his club in what he believed to be a threatening manner. ‘Them there ladies are dragon food. If you release ‘em the dragon will go hungry.’ ‘And what do I care for some old dragon?’ said Sir Randolf disdainfully, ‘Let him starve. I’ll have you know Mr Troll, these are some of the fairest ladies in the kingdom - any one of whom I would happily marry.’ ‘Oh! Sir Randolf!’ cooed the three ladies simultaneously. ‘Really? Let it be me please. Me me me.’ ‘…were it not for the fact that I have already plighted my troth to another. Whose name is…. erm…Julie. Yes Princess Julie no less from the far off land of…. Afuru…ndahumhum - which I know you will never have been to or even heard of. But the point is - only a fool would eat such fair damsels. Or cause them to be eaten. Tasty though they may look. It would be such a waste of fine posh totty and, indeed, an OK-ish looking and no doubt very loyal ladies maid.’ ‘The dragon don’t think that way’ said the troll. ‘He’s a hungry beast and he likes his fair maidens he does.’ ‘That dragon, my hideously deformed and surprisingly pungent troll friend, can kiss my big fat hairy knightly… no I should not speak so. Ladies, my apologies, but my mighty blade is required elsewhere. I shall away and give this creature a piece of my mind. Hi ho Thrust and away.’ So off he galloped into the forest, swishing his blade and yelling: Dragon? Dragon? I’ll give it bloody dragon. Yeah. C’mere yer little dragon ye - have some o’ this.. The ladies watched as he and his horse disappeared into the gloaming. ‘He could have untied us first’ said Princess Insatia as silence returned. ‘Do you think we’ll see him again Milady?’ asked a fearful Patsy. Princess Insatia tossed her long golden tresses and gave a shrug. ‘I hope so.’ she said. ‘ It’s a big dragon but then again he is very brave. And his blade is very impressive. Stop sniggering Patsy dear. That’s a perfectly legitimate assessment of the effectiveness of his weapon which I had the opportunity to study at some length as he stood by me. What? What’s the matter with you? Pull yourself together girl.’ ’So, Dragon.’ cried Sir Randolf drawing his famous blade as he confronted the terrifyingly green scaly creature in its lair. ‘Yes?’ ‘Oh…you can talk’ The dragon sighed. ’I can fly, I can breathe fire, I’m a fantastic mythical beast but you thought I wouldn’t be able to talk?’ ‘Well the last dragon I slew – the mighty Firecheeks never said a word.’ ‘Hmm well Firecheeks was always a little taciturn, there was perhaps even a certain aloofness about him.’ ‘But surely you must get a little hoarse - all that fire I mean.’ ‘Don’t set up contrived puns with me, Sir Knight, I’ve heard ‘em all.’ ‘Very well Dragon but you realise I must slay you and it will not be pretty.’ The dragon sighed and sat down on his massive haunches. ‘Is this about them maidens? I thought there’d be trouble. I never asked for no pure maidens you know.’ ‘No? Well that’s just as well because let me tell you they’ve all been around the block a bit if you get my drift. Pure? Hah. Oh yes the stories I could tell if I wasn’t such a gentleman, especially about that little minx……but no, I should not slander a lady’s reputation so.’ ‘A cow would do’ the dragon went on, picking a lump of gristle from his teeth, ‘or a couple of sheep. Or a nice bison if they’ve got one. Doesn’t have to be maidens. It’s that little troll you see, I think he gets a kick out of it – vulnerable females, tight bonds, fulsome heaving milky white bosoms - the gimpy little perv.’ ‘I see,’ huffed the exasperated knight thoughtfully, ‘yes, there did seem something of the gimpy little perv about him. And that would explain his shortness of breath and his odd gait.’ He pondered on the matter for a while. ‘So, a cow or sheep will do eh?‘ ‘Two sheep.’ ‘Very well, back to the frigging fragging fuffing forest.’ he muttered. He turned his horse and bade farewell to the dragon. ‘No pigs though.’ shouted the dragon after him. ’They give me wind. You don’t want to give me wind, oh no, believe me haha. I only have pigs if I’m planning to do my special party trick – that always gets a big laugh and…. oh he’s gone.’ ‘And so that’s why you don’t mess with Sir Randolf’ said Sir Randolf as he and the three fair maids sat roasting marshmallows on a roaring fire in the woods. Above the flames, skewered on a spit, turned the blackened plump body of the treacherous troll, now burnt to a sad crisp. ‘So it was all just a kinky obsession.’ explained Sir Randolf. ‘The dragon was completely blameless – a thoroughly decent chap I thought. I’ll send him Mr Kebab here when he’s done.’ ‘Perhaps if there’d been a lady troll in the vicinity.’ speculated Lady Clemydia, ‘his baser needs might have been met and he might not have had such a fixation with domination, humiliation and the fulsomeness of our heaving milky-white womanly bosoms.’ Sir Randolf took a bite of hot marshmallow and nodded thoughtfully, ‘That is a possibility, but then again I hear lady trolls tend to be rather niggardly with their favours and troll bosoms do leave a lot to be desired in any case.’ ‘Spaniel ears.’ interjected Patsy blankly. ‘Precisely - not at all like your magnificent….well, decorum forbids I expound their virtues in the middle of a wood. Perhaps I’ll compose an erotic ode later.’ ‘I suppose there’s a lesson to be learned from all this.’ said Lady Insatia. ‘Yes’ replied Sir Randolf, ‘always judge people by their appearance – if someone is ugly or has a limp or they’re different in some way from everybody else they’re very probably evil. Similarly, if you see a fierce dragon you should not immediately assume that it….no wait a minute…that’s not it is it?. Anyway never mind - everybody’s safe now. So - if everyone’s had enough to eat who’s for a jolly game of Whoops where’s your bloomers Lady Mountworthy?’ At this the ladies squealed excitedly, hitched up their skirts and dashed off into the woods pursued by Sir Randolf - all thoughts of trolls, dragons, marshmallows, though probably not heaving bosoms, banished completely.
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