Great Writing - Home > Short S. > The Apple Pie Bandit.
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 865 guests online and 1 member online
Shorts
The Apple Pie Bandit.
By petmarj
31 May 2007
Dundee - 1970.


The move from the East Midlands to Dundee, Scotland, came as a shock to Peter French.
     Smith and Stone, the gas conversion company who employed him as technical adviser, sent him to their Dundee division to solve conversion problems with fish and chip shop ranges.
     Peter searched for, and eventually found lodging at Mulberry View, a boarding house near the Tay Bridge.
     Gas conversion in 1970 was in full flow and Peter spent little time at the boarding house. often not getting in until nine o'clock each night.
     Miss Selena Berry, 75, proprietor of the Mulberry, kept spotlessly clean premises with full breakfast provided, and later meals if required.
     Peter, the only resident for the first few days he was there, had supper.
     Miss Berry suggested supper of 'a cup of hot chocolate and a piece of my home-baked apple pie.'
     Although Peter thought this an odd supper but there was no other choice and Miss Berry provided it only between the hours of ten o'clock and eleven o'clock at night.
     "One hour for supper was all my mother and father allowed us in the Highlands," said Miss Berry. "And I carry on their tradition."
     On the third evening, Miss Berry asked Peter his first name.
     "Peter."
     "Ah, a lovely name is 'Peter'," said Miss Berry, severely rolling the 'r'. "Do you like animals, Peter?" Peter said he did.
     Miss Berry smiled. "Then I shall introduce you to my dog," she said. She whistled expertly and a black Scottie dog came bounding into the lounge from somewhere in the house. "Peter, I introduce you to Alistair. You must not call him 'Al' or 'Ali'. He answers only to my whistle, or to being called Alistair. He is a true Scottish breed, Peter, because when Alistair barks, he does so with a Scottish accent."
     That evening, Peter drank the most gorgeous cup of hot chocolate - and the apple pie was sensational.
     On the Saturday morning, as Peter was leaving Mulberry for work. a middle-aged couple came to stay 'for several days.'
     Upon returning to Mulberry late that afternoon, Peter sat for an evening meal with Mr and Mrs Didsbury, the new residents. He found them quiet, polite, and looking forward to days of sailing on the Moray Firth.
     Peter, tired from long working hours, settled in front of the television in his room.
     Exactly at ten o'clock, Miss Berry's voice sounded at the bottom of the stairs.
     "It's time for hot chocolate and apple pie, Peter," she called.
     Peter trotted down the stairs and found Mr and Mrs Didsbury sitting on the largest sofa.
     "I trust you will all have hot chocolate and a piece of apple pie?" queried Miss Berry.
     They answered, 'yes please'.
     Miss Berry brought from the kitchen a large tray - three cups of chocolate and three slices of apple pie, each pie on an ample plate. Peter, nearest to Miss Berry, received his supper first. The tray passed along to Mrs Didsbury. She placed her supper on the small table near them and handed the tray to her husband. He was trying to read a newspaper. There was no room for the tray on the table and hesitating about what to do, shoved the newspaper under an arm, grasped a cup of chocolate, and sat helpless with the tray and apple pie.
     He solved the problem and placed the pie on the floor between his feet and looked for somewhere to place the tray.
     Suddenly, there came a snarling, scoffing sound and Alistair was sitting there with the slab of eaten pie outlined in his neck.
     Mr Didsbury was horrified.
     Miss Berry beamed at us, and said in her wonderful Scottish accent:
 
     "Aye, Alistair loves pie."   

Reviews

Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 31st May 2007
A complicated build-up to a simple story. It could have been one of those 60-word ones. I bet Readers Digest would love it

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 31st May 2007
A pleasant enough anecdote, however; 
 
kept a spotless clean premise - as in, kept a spotless clean statement or idea that forms the basis for a theory? 
Or; kept a spotlessly clean premises. 
 
'Although Peter thought this an odd supper, Miss Berry provided it only between the hours of ten o'clock and eleven o'clock at night.' - Which begs the question, what did she serve the rest of the time?  
 
'There was no room for the tray on the table and he hesitated (about/over) what to do' 
 
Punctuation: Some full stops where there should be a comma. 
 
Hope this helps, best wishes. 
Steve.

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 1st June 2007
hello pet! :grin  
 
i liked how the dog had a scottish accent when he barked. LOL! but what a cheeky little sod, nicking the guest's apple pie, i would expect better manners from a B&B dog really :) :grin  
 
anyway, nice slice of life. (pie too) i'm not sure you always needed a speech tag on every bit of dialogue as sometimes it was obvious who was doing the talking, i tend to leave the tags off where ever i can. 
 
here there's a pov switch from third person to first persons..think you should say 'they answered' 
 
We answered, 'yes please'. 
and here a POV swtich to mr didsbury.. 
Mr Didsbury was silently horrified. 
 
you could say 'Mr Didsbury looked horrified' removed adverb as i think they can clog up our work sometimes..adverbs are what i'm just beginning to address in my own work now, having had them pointed out to me recently...the critter was right, there are much better ways to convey without using them..they are 'tell' elements of a story rather than 'show' if you wanted to show the reader he was silently horrified you could say something like.. 
Mr Didsbury looked horrified but his lips remained tightly closed. 
 
nice little anecdote thanks. 
 
 
 
 

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 1st June 2007
see what i mean about adverbs? LOL! i still used one in my example 'tightly' it's hard getting away from em..you really have to think about it when keeping them out..the critter who pulled me up on my usage of them manages to write huge stories without using hardly any and he's a fabulous writer..he's says it makes you think and become more creative with your descriptions.

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 2nd June 2007
Read very much as an anecdote rather than a short story. Not a criticism more an observation. 
 
Came across as a charming true story. I agree with Asferthecat, perfect for Readers Digest. 
 
Regards 
 
Wltshr

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item