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By TwistedTales
01 June 2007
Writing something after a long hiatus. Kindly keep comments/suggestions coming and let me know whether you liked this.

Babu entered the baby’s room after making sure that no one was around. He read the angelic face for a while before lifting the baby clumsily into his arms. It felt heavy. The baby was disturbed by this sudden movement in the middle of its slumber. The baby; although somewhat disturbed at having been woken from its slumber by unfamiliar hands, attempted to befriend Babu with the kind of sweet smile that can only be seen on a child's face, yet Babu was undeterred. He lifted the baby over his head, and the baby finding itself in such a precarious position started crying. Babu knew what he had to do before the baby's parents came running in. With all the force that he could muster, Babu hurled the baby at the wall. Its tiny head cracked open and it fell to the floor laying in a pool of its own blood. The contrast of red against the baby's pale face was quite striking. Babu looked at his work with content, before leaving the room through the window and out on the road. He went home, washed his face, hands, arms and legs and went off to sleep a satisfied soul.

Babu worked as domestic help at a couple of places in the locality. His father was a rickshaw puller and his mother sewed clothes for a living. He specifically chose homes with little children to work in. When in the morning, his father asked him where he went last night and why was he missing for so long, he just smiled and left for work. He was very happy today. His neighbor’s wife had just had a baby. The happy parents called everyone home that evening to come and bless the new born. Babu went with his parents with some sweets and a few presents for the week-old child. When everyone was in the verandah having dinner, Babu sneaked in through the back-door. Whenever he saw a new born, a sort of fanaticism took over him . A strange feeling made him uneasy and his skin began to crawl. His whole body started shaking. It was like a junkie wanting his coke to calm himself down or a fat little kid wanting to have a juicy cheese burger to stop the uncontrollable drooling. He looked into the pram. The dark-skinned baby looked at him with innocence and wonder. Babu extended his arms and held the neck of the child, gently at first, slowly increasing the pressure. The folks were still out and Babu had ample time to quench his thirst for fresh blood. He strangulated the baby with his right hand and continued to do so until the child’s tongue and eyes popped out. He licked the blood off the baby’s face, before joining the others for dinner. The chicken looked really nice and so did the apple pie. His dad gave him a curious look, questioning his absence, before being distracted by a joke someone had cracked. Babu’s face gleamed in the moonlight, as he greedily bit into a chunky leg piece, licking each of his fingers, one at a time.

His ears were waiting for the inevitable. An ultimate stamp on his professionalism. A wild shriek by the child’s mother shook everyone out there, who ran in to find the child in a horrific state. Her eyes were wide with shock and her entire body was trembling uncontrollably. Babu sat at the table smiling to himself a secret smile, never even looking up to see as to what was happening. He knew he had done a good job and there was no way the baby could have survived.

His next victims were two-year old twins, who had just moved into the locality with their parents. After getting two or three good references from neighbors, they hired Babu, who was more than willing to work for them. After all, it was a double treat. Once when the parents were out to shop for groceries, Babu’s euphoria was getting out of control. He always wanted to use the gleaming butcher knife hung in the kitchen. He went straight for it. Carrying the new, razor sharp knife in his hands, almost as if it were the Holy Grail, he made his way upstairs to the kids' room. He was itching to use it. He sliced off the ears and fingers first, before chopping off the tender toes. The little children were screaming their heads off, but that only excited Babu even more. With immaculate precision he went on to chop each and every part of the little one’s bodies, before bundling up the chunks into a long piece of cloth. He then shoved the bundle inside the back of the closet and went about his household chores. After finishing up his work he sat in the hall watching TV and left, leaving the doors unlocked.

The next morning the parents along with a van full of cops landed in front of Babu’s house. His father was washing his face when he heard the loud thuds on the door, as if someone was trying to break in. The cops stormed in before grabbing Babu by his collar, who was sleeping, and slapping him mercilessly. His mother started howling and pleading with the cops to spare Babu, who just stood there, taking all the beating without as much as flinching. The inspector just bawled at the bewildered parents saying that their son was a bloody killer, a merciless, cold blooded murderer.  The cops dragged him into the van even as his parents stood motionless, not knowing what to do or say.

Babu confessed to killing 11 infants in the past three months. Shockingly audacious, he described each of his killings in gory detail. When the press reporters questioned the cops about the crimes, Inspector Kumar said that Babu spoke little, often throws hair-raising smiles and asks for cookies from whoever interrogates him. When a local psycho-analyst was called in, he said Babu Prima facie appears to be a sadist who seems to derive pleasure out of inflicting injuries to others, but added that nothing could be concluded without studying Babu’s psycho-bio-socio-cultural surroundings. He added that Babu doesn’t seem to have a sense of right or wrong, and an in-depth study needs to be done to find out the reason behind the accumulation of aggression and hatred in some one so young. Next day, the headline in the newspaper screamed, “Police Say 10-year-old Boy Is A Serial Killer.”        

Reviews

Written by Asferthecat (789 comments posted) 2nd June 2007
This is a genre I am not comfortable with - particularly the description of cutting up living children. 
What was it that gave him away? 
The twist at the end that he was only 10 made his actions more forgivable. 
The second sentence distracted me 'He read the angelic face for a while before lifting it clumsily into his arms.' sounds as if he was lifting the face up. You should say 'the baby' instead of 'it' to make the sentence clear.

Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 2nd June 2007
Nice taut little tale. 
 
I agree with Asferthecat's editing thoughts and have a query of my own. 
 
As Babu is only ten years old: "but that only turned on Babu even more" seems a little incongruous. Perhaps "excited" rather than "turned on"? 
 
But what do I know? 
 
Enjoyed it 
 
Wltshr

Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 2nd June 2007
I’m sorry, but I didn’t get past the first paragraph. Not wishing to sound rude, but if this is anything to go by then the whole thing needs a complete overhaul. 
It is not only the fact that it doesn’t read particularly well, but there are also words that have no need, nor right, to be there. 
 
Babu entered (into - superfluous) the baby’s room only after making sure that no one was around. He read the angelic face for a while before lifting it clumsily into his arms. It felt (a little - superfluous) heavy (to him - superfluous)). The baby was somewhat disturbed by this sudden movement and (that too by unknown hands - ??) in the middle of its slumber. The baby, (despite of looking at a stranger - ??) tried to befriend the stranger with a sweet smile that can be seen only on a baby’s face. Babu lifted the baby over his head, and the baby seeing itself hung in such a precarious manner started crying. Babu knew he (had to do what he had to - ACT) pretty soon before the (parents of the child - child’s parents) come (came) running in to attend the baby. Babu flung the baby towards the wall as hard as he could. The baby’s head cracked open and it lay in a pool of its own chaste blood. The pale face was in contrast to the red all around. 
Babu looked at his work with content, before (getting out of - exiting or leaving would be better) the room through the window and out on the road. He went home, washed his face and legs (hands, arms etc, don’t need a wash then?) and went off to sleep a satisfied soul  
Chaste blood? 
Chaste: 
1. abstaining from sex: abstaining from sex on moral grounds  
2. sexually faithful: not having extramarital sexual relations  
3. pure in thought and deed: behaving in a pure way, with no immoral thoughts  
4. plain: plain, simple, and unadorned in style. 
Given that this is a baby’s blood, I think we can dispense with the first two meanings, and given that blood isn’t sentient I feel that we can dispense with number three as well. 
So we are left with; ‘The baby’s head cracked open and it lay in a pool of its own plain, simple, and unadorned blood.’ 
 
Here is a very, very quick makeover of part of paragraph one (there are many ways in which it could be done), that I hope will assist you in tidying up this piece. That’s assuming that you feel that it needs tidying up, it is, after all, your work. 
 
Having ensured that no-one was around to witness his actions, Babu crept deftly into the baby’s room. He stood for a while and studied the angelic features of the sleeping child, before lifting the baby clumsily into his arms. It felt heavy. 
The baby; although somewhat disturbed at having been woken from its slumber by unfamiliar hands, attempted to befriend Babu with the kind of smile that can only be crafted by a child, yet Babu was undeterred. 
He lifted the baby above his head, whereupon finding itself in such a precarious position the baby began crying. Babu knew he had to act quickly, before the child’s parents came running to attend to the baby. 
With all the force that he could muster, Babu hurled the baby at the wall. Its tiny head cracked, and the baby crumpled to the floor in a pool of blood. The contrast of red against pale flesh was quite striking. 
 
Best wishes 
Steve.  
 
 
 

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 3rd June 2007
i don't believe it!! i just spent ages doing a crit, pressed the submit button and this effing site ate it :(  
 
i shall have to come back to this another time now TT as i've run out of time..****!!! i had some good editing tips in here for you too..now i'm in a BAD mood!

Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 3rd June 2007
I take it his euphoria over the twins made him careless and he left too many clues, or somebody heard the screams and saw him as he left the house. 
 
I think the first paragraph in particular needs working on. The second paragraph is rather long and could easily be split into 3 or more shorter ones. 
 
Also you could do with a stronger twist at the end. Earlier on in the story I thought he might be even younger that 10. 
 
 
 
 

Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 3rd June 2007
Sorry, that last comment should end: 'even younger than 10'.

Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 3rd June 2007
Odd story, not helped by typos. Steve's done a very good crit of grammar etc for paragraph one. These are good lessons to learn. 
 
Prude I'm not, but I did find this alittle distasteful. Nothing wrong in writing about child murder per se, but in this case, to what ends. The little twist at the end does not justify what went before. I guess this is a very personal take, and as I'm the only one to mention it, it's probably just me. 
 
Phil.
Hi All
Written by TwistedTales (448 comments posted) 3rd June 2007
Hi Asferthecat, Babu was left behind by the owners to take care of the twins. They come back to find their house unlocked and their twins in a pool of blood. Since Babu was the last one to be around, they immediately suspect him and call the police. 
 
Thanks for your comments Wltshr. Yeah may be I should change the word to 'excited' or something similar. 
 
Thanks for taking time out and giving me pointers regarding the grammar Steve. On the first read, it seemed a lil passive to me. But, yes, it does need a major ovehaul. Thanks again. I appreciate it. 
 
Thanks Janie. Yes please to get back with your comments. May be this time you could write them in a notepad (instead of directly on the site) and then paste it here. That way, if the site acts stupid again, you would just have to paste it from the notepad, instead of writing the whole thing. 
 
Thanks Livininanattic, I will try to break teh second para into smaller chunks. And i don't really know about the end, i personally thought it was shocking enough. But let me see if i can twist it a lil more :). Thanks again. 
 
Hi Phil, 
Could you kindly throw some more light on this statement, "The little twist at the end does not justify, what went on before." Do you mean to say a 10 year old can't really be that gruesome? Please let me know what is it that you found odd. Thanks for the comments.  
 

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 4th June 2007
I shall try again! yes TT usually I copy just before pressing submit as it has happened before but yesterday I forgot...too busy eating breakfast to remember. that’ll teach me. 
 
now what did i say yesterday? 
 
i agree with what steve has said n his crit… here's what i do when editing.. 
 
first i go through each sentence and cut out superfluous words..the rule is if it works and still makes sense without them, then they go..here are some examples of what i mean.. 
 
Babu entered into the baby’s room 
 
cut 'into' 
 
The baby was somewhat disturbed by this sudden movement  
 
cut 'somewhat' 
 
He looked over into the pram 
 
cut 'over' 
 
these are just a few examples, there are many many more in your story. 
 
next i go through and check my adjs asking myself have 'i used the one that best describes what i want to convey? is there a better one i could use? (i did have an example of this yesterday but can't find it today) 
 
same with adverbs... do i need them? is there another way to describe without using one? yes, i want to keep that one, have i used the best one to describe the action? 
 
next i go through and see if i can change the order of the clauses and phrases to see if they flow better with a different arrangement, i picture the scene in my head and ask myself have i got the sequence of events in the right order? did he do such and such before he did such and such?..here are some examples.. 
 
 
Babu entered into the baby’s room only after making sure that no one was around. 
 
Making sure no one was around, Babu entered the baby's room. 
 
OR  
 
Babu entered the baby's room, making sure no one was around. 
 
Babu knew he had to do what he had to pretty soon before the parents of the child come running in 
 
Babu knew what he had to do before its parents came running in. (ok this is not a good example the order stays the same but i edited out words)  
 
A sort of fanaticism took over him whenever he saw a new born. 
 
Whenever he saw a newborn he was taken over by fanaticism 
 
i'm not saying that these arrangements of words are better than yours...just examples of what i do and very often you find that it sounds better and flows better after you’ve played around. 
 
next i look for repeats of words...here you have 'started' in the same sentence.. 
 
His skin started to crawl and a strange feeling started to make him uneasy. 
 
also i don't like 'started' for some reason, i don't know why, i always think 'began' or 'begun' sounds better.. 
 
His skin began to crawl and a strange feeling made him uneasy. 
 
Or  
 
A strange feeling made him uneasy and his his skin began to crawl. 
 
get the idea? 
 
 
next i check for spags. And that’s about it. 
 
an editor taught me how to edit and my work improved immediately as soon as i followed her rules. 
 
anyway have a go, you'll be amazed... onto your story..not really my genre but the thing that struck me most while reading was the lack of police investigaton..i was thinking he was leaving forensic everywhere, but since this is set in india and a probably a small village, figured that they investigate crime differently there...here he would be caught after the first murder because of all the clues he left behind...the twist at the end..what an intrinsically evil little shit! although i wasn't that surprised, i had him down as a teen and it has been known for 10 year olds to murder over here...check out the james bulger case, and the sad thing is they were quite sane too, unlike your Babu who came across as a psychopath, sleeping soundly and eating greedily after committing his evil acts. i think you've created a great character and you could use him again in something different. 
 
i hope you find some of this helpful 
best 
janie

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