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Poetry
I Saw Him Once
By onlyhattie
04 June 2007
This is my first attempt at a non-rhyming poem.
Enjoy!

I saw him
Once

A ship amongst a sea of storms
My heart is breaking
I saw the lights go out as you fell away from me

(she loved you)

You were a frantic shadow in my life
Darting, Running, Swearing, Fighting
I saw you move further from me
And your voice could whisper death upon my heart

(my time has come)

But then the rain came
It fell sweet and cool against hot words
Angry words meant to hurt

(please don’t be mad)

I sit alone above my dreams
No longer can I hear you
The cries, the shots, the chants are gone
I am alone with the wind

(but remember me)

We can recall what it was we had
Before all this
Before the pain and the sorrow
Deep down, all we wanted

Was to be wanted ourselves

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 4th June 2007
Hi Hattie (?) and welcome to GW. 
 
A lot of angst going on in this one. I really liked:  
A ship amongst a sea of storms. 
 
Phil 
 
*cough*BOY*cough*
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 4th June 2007
sorry =/ 
 
I made many connections in this, but we'll ignore the politics for a moment. 
 
LOVED the last two lines, they really finish it nicely, but a couple of bits of it remind me of evanescence lyrics - dramatic, but I little too much. 
 
The change from 'him' to 'you' suggests a dispute about a potential affair, and the 'she' suggests another one...dude. Like the structure, not keen one the capital letters [line2 fourth stanza] though - what are they for? 
 
I like it, but I think you need to sit down with it and give it a bit more, there's loads in it even though it's sparse. [too many its - sorry]. 
 
I wanna see more! 
 
love you tooooooo 
x
wait wait wait!
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 4th June 2007
I didn't mean that hattie was a boy! just made that connection...just ignore the title of that review okay? 
 
erk! :( 
 
x

Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 11th June 2007
I somehow imagined the parts in brackets whispered, as if comments to the stanzas. An interesting message and probably not far from the truth of most relationships.

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