Darling Hilary

I am SO excited! My dear hubbykins has said Yes to the boys’ urgent demands for a pony. They have their sights firmly set on being on the school polo team next summer. It’s simply most terribly enterprising and far-sighted of them to start training now to meet girls of the right type.

What I need to ask in your delightful letters column, is, how much should I plan to spend on a pony for them to practise on? Do I need one for each of them or could they both practise just on one? They don’t weigh very much and one of them is left handed.

Does a pony take up a lot of space or does it just need enough room to stand up and sit down? And what does it eat? Little seeds?

I just know your lovely readers will find something to say that will be helpful in my quest.

Yours truly,

Hon. Meriel Appleby-Station

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Hilary replies:

Dear Meriel, I would suggest you buy two, as despite the lefthandedness they’ll find backhand strokes hard to practise if they both ride the same pony.

Incidentally, if you buy two mares, your boys will be starting on the right lines. Polo’s where Charles learned his tastes, after all.

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Nah then, Hobnailed Terribly-Thick

Ah see as it must be summer ‘cos we ‘ave a reet fleet o’ flies fleein’ aboot in’t kitchen. Ah’s fed up wi’ doin’ t’Australian wave when Ah’s eatin’ me bit o’ supper.

Ah thowt Ah hed some fly spray but when Ah fetched it oot Ah see it’s yon kitchen cleaner as meks oot ter be aw things ter aw men: that skinny little feller as “loves the jobs you hate”.  But Ah reckon nowt ter wastin’ expensive stuff on them little buggers. So Ah thowt Ah’d send ye  me own recipe an’ instructions on ‘ow ter use it.

INGREDIENTS
Fetch an empty trigger spray and put some watter in it, warm if thou likes, it’s all t’same. Plain watter’s more environmentally friendly-like than kitchen cleaner. Thou needs a kitchen cloth in t’other hand, but a bit o’ paper wad work an’all.

INSTRUCTIONS
Wait till yer within a four inch range of the little varmint when it’s sittin’ washin’ its hands, an’ then fire wi’ yer trigger spray.  While it’s lyin’ on its back wipin’ its eyes an’ coughin’, UP wi’ yer cloth an’ FLATTEN THE LITTLE BUGGER. Ah tell ye, it’s the best laugh Ah’ve hed in years.

Yrs grimly,

Nora Forthright

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Hilary replies:

Dear Nora

I’m glad your new medication is cheering you up. Is it Laphroaig or Glenfiddich?

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Dear Er (I really must write your name down)

Dangleby is being threatened with yet another box. On the outskirts, KFC are building the most boring piece of architecture ever. And what good will it do? What were the planners thinking of to allow this one through the system?

Yours,

Alan Eversoe-Slightly

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Hilary replies:

They were probably thinking of a Family Feast, or free meal tokens for life.

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