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Comedy
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| Tonite - live on ESPN | |
| By Snodlander | ||||||||||||
| 06 June 2007 | ||||||||||||
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A sport played for generations has finally found its spiritual home EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD. WE SEE A MAN IN SWEATS JOGGING ALONG THE ROAD. HE IS SWEATING, AND CLOUDS OF BREATH ESCAPE AS HE RUNS. HE IS MIDDLE AGED AND A BIT FLABBY. MUSIC: ORCHESTRAL – EYE OF THE TIGER. INT. A GYM. ANOTHER MAN DRESSED IN KARATE COSTUME WITH A SWEATBAND TIED AROUND HIS FOREHEAD SITS IN THE LOTUS POSITION, EYES CLOSED. HE IS ALSO MIDDLEAGED, BUT PIPECLEANER-THIN. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD. THE JOGGER IS NOW SHADOW BOXING AS HE RUNS. MUSIC SWELLS. INT. THE GYM. THE MARTIAL ARTIST IS SLOWLY PRACTICING A KARATE PUNCH BEFORE HITTING THE PLANK OF WOOD BEING HELD IN FRONT OF HIM. EXT. CAMERA PANS OUT TO SHOW A CROWD FOLLOWING THE JOGGER, AS IN ROCKY. INT. CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL SEVERAL MARTIAL ARTISTS ALL HOLDING PLANKS OF WOOD TO BE HIT. SPLIT SCREEN. IN THE LEFT SCREEN WE SEE THE BOXER WORKING OUT AGAINST A PUNCH BAG. INT THE RIGHT WE SEE THE MARTIAL ARTIST PERFORMING A KATA OF KARATE MOVES. EYE OF THE TIGER RISES TO A CRESCENDO AND ENDS. THE MONTAGE FREEZES ON BOTH MEN’S FACES AND ACROSS THE SCREEN EXPLODES THE LEGEND: STONEY MARTINEZ VS NIGEL FONG SLAPSIES! ONLY ON ESPN EXT. STONEY MARTINEZ IS TALKING INTO A MICROPHONE TO AN INTERVIEWER OFF SCREEN. BEHIND HIM IS A BLANK WALL. STONEY: Yeah, well, you know. People have written me off. Yeah, they done that. But they done that before, you know? They wrote me off back in 1977, but I showed them, I showed them good. And in ‘82. And ‘87. Or maybe it was ‘88, I forget. And in 1992 they said I was too old, but I showed them. And now I’m going to show them again. They say I’m too slow, but they don’t understand. I’m just as fast as I always was, and speed is only one part. I’m powerful, know what I mean? I’m gonna knock that young pipsqueak into the middle of next week. Or maybe last week. I don’t remember which. But he is going to know the power of [SHOUTS INTO CAMERA] Stoney Martinez! Yeah! [PAUSE] What? That’s it. That’s all I got to say. [PAUSE] [STONEY EXITS LEFT] INT. DRAGON MOTIF ON WALL. INCENSE SMOKE WAFTS BEHIND NIGEL FONG, WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT ASIAN. HE IS TALKING TO A MICROPHONE HELD BY THE INTERVIEWER OFF-SCREEN NIGEL: The secret of my training is harmony. I maintain the balance of my yin and my yang. [HE LEANS SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT] See that? My yin is unbalanced, so I… [HE STRAIGHTENS UP] … balance it so. It may be true that Mr Martinez is stronger than me physically, but mentally? We have a saying. The swallow can nest on the plough the ox pulls. I’m not saying I’m an actual swallow, that would be mental, obviously. But then, he’s not an ox, is he? I think you can see what I mean. Excuse me, I need to meditate now. [HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND HOLDS HIS HANDS OUT IN THE ARCHYTYPAL MEDIATION POSE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS HE OPENS ONE EYE TO SEE IF THE CAMERA IS STILL ON HIM, THEN CLOSES IT AGAIN.] INT. BILL AND BOB WEARING BLAZERS SIT BEHIND A DESK. THERE IS A LARGE MICROPHONE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF EACH OF THEM. BILL: Well, there you have it. Two men, nay, gods, athletes honed to the pitch of perfection, baying for blood which they may very literally spill in this afternoons orgy of pure testosterone that is… the world championship Slapsies final between Stoney Martinez and Nigel Fong. Two Greek gods of men at the peak of their physical prowess, only here on ESPN. BEN: You’re not wrong there, Bill. In fact, you are right in literally every word you say. These two gladiators have been favourites all the way through the heats, and how this afternoon’s showdown is going to go is just anyone’s guess. And I’m not guessing, because I’m just not anyone. But the final isn’t about Martinez versus Fong, it’s about power versus speed, strength versus tactics, Polo versus Tictacs, Cramer versus Cramer, good versus evil, evil versus good, Mothra versus Godzilla. BILL: But without laser beams coming out of Mothra’s eye’s, obviously. BEN: You’re not wrong there, Bill. BILL: And neither are you, Ben. Both men are wildly different. Martinez comes with all the experience of literally years in the business, while Fong has literally no years in the business. Martinez represents old school, Fong new school, while both are actually too old for school. This contest could go either way, and either way at least one of these champions is going to go home a champion. Or not. BEN: And now both men are entering the ring for what is promising to be the Slapsies final to end all finals. BILL: Until next month’s final here live on ESPN. INT. A BOXING RING. BOTH MEN ENTER FROM OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE RING. A REFEREE STANDS IN THE MIDDLE. MARTINEZ DANCES ON HIS TOES, BOBBING AND WEAVING. FONG ADOPTS A MATRIX-STYLE STANCE, ONE HAND BEHIND HIS HEAD, THE OTHER EXTENDED, FINGERS STRETCHED OUT STRAIGHT. HE MOTIONS WITH HIS FINGERS IN A ‘COME-ON’ GESTURE THAT HAS BEEN IN EVERY MARTIAL ARTS FILM SINCE THE MATRIX. THE REFEREE TOSSES A COIN. CLOSE-UP OF THE COIN SPINNING IN SLO-MO. REAL-TIME SHOT OF THE COIN HITTING THE FLOOR. BILL: [OFF CAMERA] Heads! Martinez has first strike. This is very important psychologically. Ben, maybe you can explain the rules for any women that might have accidentally tuned in. BEN: Or maybe they are getting a beer for their husband while he watches, Bill. ON SCREEN THE TWO CONTESTANTS STAND FACE TO FACE, EYEBALLING EACH OTHER. BEN: Indeed, Bill. In Slapsies the players hold their hands together and touch fingertip to fingertip with their opponent. ON SCREEN THE CONTESTANTS PUT THEIR HANDS TOGETHER AS IF IN SUPPLICATION, THEN LOWER THEM UNTIL THEIR FINGERTIPS TOUCH THEIR OPPONENT’S BEN: The player on offence then slaps the back of the other player’s hand. Either hand is acceptable. The defending player must try and avoid the blow. But he is not allowed to move his hands away until after his opponent has started the offensive manoeuvre. If contact is made, the offensive player can strike again. If he misses, the roles reverse. The game ends when one of the players can take no more, or until we run out of airtime. BILL: Well put, Ben. Even the little ladies out there should be able to understand that. And now a hush has descended on the hall as the battle begins. CLOSE-UP OF THE TWO PAIRS OF HANDS. REFEREE: Play! MARTINEZ IMMEDIATELY STRIKES. FONG TRIES TO LIFT HIS HANDS UP BUT MARTINEZ HITS THEM WITH A RINGING SLAP. BEN: Oh! And Martinez gets in a strike immediately off the bell. You could hear them wincing in New York. BILL: Yes indeed! I don’t care what meditation Fong is on, that has got to hurt. CLOSE-UP OF THE HANDS AGAIN. MARTINEZ SLAPS FONG AGAIN IN THE SAME MANOEUVRE. FONG TRIES TO RAISE HIS HANDS AGAIN, BUT CONTACT IS MADE. THE NEXT TIME FONG DROPS HIS HANDS AND MARTINEZ’ HAND SAILS OVER THE TOP, MISSING. BILL: Oh my giddy aunt! Martinez has missed. Fong sold him the dummy and moved the opposite way. Martinez has lost the offence. BEN: Oh your giddy aunt yes! This is a major blow to Martinez. Losing the offence just two slaps in is a major tactical error. Let’s see if Fong can capitalise on this. CLOSE-UP OF HANDS. FONG STRIKES OVER AND OVER. HIS BLOWS ARE LIGHTNING FAST. BILL: Fong is making the most of his offense. He is slapping Stoney all over the ring here. Try what he can, Stoney is just too slow to avoid Nigel’s blows. BEN: Yes, but just look at Stoney’s face. Nigel’s slaps are coming in fast and furious, but there’s just no power to them. Martinez is just shrugging them off. MONTAGE OF THE SLAPSIES BATTLE, CLOSE-UPS OF THE HANDS FADING IN AND OUT AS ONE OR THE OTHER STRIKES. EYE OF THE TIGER THEME PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. CLOSE-UP OF THE HANDS. BOTH SETS OF HANDS HAVE DROPS OF SWEAT FALLING FROM THEM. BILL: Nearly thirty minutes in, and neither men are giving an inch. Tension here at Caesar’s Palace is so intense you could cut steel with it. BEN: Fong on offense, but his lack of power here is really becoming a problem. FONG’S HANDS TWITCH. MARTINEZ JERKS HIS HANDS AWAY, BUT FONG’S HANDS REMAING STILL. REFEREE: Foul! BILL: And Stoney Martinez has lost his nerve. Fong played a dummy, and Martinez jerked his hands away before Fong started his offense. BEN: Which means, if there are any women still watching this sporting marathon, that Fong gets a free hit. This could be the turning point in the match. FULL LENGTH SHOT OF THE TWO MEN. SLO-MO AS FONG JUMPS IN THE AIR, SPINNING 360 DEGREES TO LAND A SLAP ON MARTINEZ’ HANDS. SLO-MO OF MARTINEZ STAGGERING SIDEWAYS, PAIN ETCHED ON HIS FACE. REAL-TIME SHOT OF MARTINEZ FACING AWAY FROM FONG. FONG CAN BE SEEN OUT OF FOCUS OVER HIS SHOULDER. MARTINEZ FACE SHOWS HIM TO BE IN PAIN. SHOT FROM INSIDE THE RING, LOOKING TOWARDS MARTINEZ’ CORNER. THERE IS A PRETTY BLONDE WOMAN LOOKING LOVINGLY AT MARTINEZ. BLONDE: Stoney, don’t give up. Do it for me, baby. Think of Stoney Junior. SHE PATS HER STOMACH. CLOSE UP OF MARTINEZ FACE. HE IS CONFUSED. THEN REALISATION. THEN JOY. MARTINEZ: You mean…? Stoney Junior? SUDDENLY HE TURNS, HIS FACE FULL OF DETERMINATION. HE THRUSTS HIS HANDS FORWARD. FONG TRIES TO STRIKE, BUT MARTINEZ WHIPS HIS HANDS AWAY IN TIME. BEN: What a comeback! Any other man would submit after that crushing slap from Fong, but Martinez is on fire! He has gained the offensive and he looks like a man that is going to kick ass. BILL: Which is strictly against Slapsies rules, Ben. Slapping hands, fine. Kicking ass, a definite no-no. CLOSE-UP OF THE HANDS. MARTINEZ SLAPS FONG HARD. LONG SHOT OF THE TWO MEN. FONG REELS FROM THE BLOW, TURNING HIS BACK ON MARTINEZ. SHOT FROM INSIDE THE RING, SHOWING FONG’S CORNER. THERE IS AN OLD CHINESE MAN THERE WITH LONG WHITE HAIR AND BEARD. HE RAISES HIS HANDS AND STANDS ON ONE FOOT, LIKE THE OLD TEACHER IN KARATE KID. CLOSE UP OF FONG. HE GRITS HIS TEETH AND NODS IN UNDERSTANDING. FULL LENGTH SHOT OF THE TWO MEN. FONG STANDS ON ONE FOOT IN THE CRANE POSITION, HANDS EXTENDED IN THE SLAPSIE POSE. BILL: And now Fong is trying to use his Kung Fu wizardry to outwit Martinez. The crowd is going wild. I’m going wild. Even Mrs Martinez and Fong’s Kung Fu teacher are going wild. SHOT OF THE RINGSIDE, WHERE MRS MARTINEZ AND THE OLD CHINESE MAN ARE HAVING A GIRLY SLAPPING FIGHT, FLAPPING THEIR HANDS AT EACH OTHER WHILE CRANING THEIR FACES AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. CLOSE-UP OF MARTINEZ EYES. HE SCOWLS. CLOSE-UP OF FONG’S EYES. THEY NARROW. CLOSE-UP OF MARTINEZ EYES. HE RAISES ONE EYEBROW. CLOSE-UP OF FONG’S EYES. HE CROSSES THEM. CLOSE-UP OF THE HANDS. MARTINEZ STRIKES. CLOSE-UP OF MARTINEZ’ HAND SWINGING THROUGH THE AIR IN SLO-MO. CLOSE-UP OF FONG’S HAND SWINGING IN SLO-MO THE OTHER WAY. CLOSE-UP OF THE HANDS MEETING IN SLO-MO, PALM TO PALM, THUMBS INTERLOCKING. REAL-TIME SHOT OF THE TWO MEN’S HEADS. MARTINEZ RAISES HIS EYEBROWS IN QUERY. FONG SMILES AND NODS. BOTH MEN RAISE THEIR CLASPED HANDS UP. BEN: What’s happening? Both men appear to have agreed to a draw. This is unprecedented. They both seem to agree that they are equally matched. SHOT OF THE TWO COMMENTATORS. BILL IS LEAFING THROUGH A LARGE BOOK. BILL: I can’t find anything here in the rule book about this. This is amazing. This is incredible. This is Slapsies. BEN: And love seems to be breaking out all over the arena, too. This is just incredible. SHOT OF MRS MARTINEZ HUGGING THE OLD CHINESE MASTER. SHOT OF AN ARAB AND HASSIDIC JEW HUGGING EACH OTHER. SHOT OF A KKK IN WHITE HOOD AND A BLACK MAN HUGGING. SHOT OF THE TWO COMMENTATORS. BEN: Bill, I’m being carried away in the moment. I want you to know, I love you. BILL: I love you too, man. BEN: Not in a gay way, you understand. Just a platonic thing. BILL: Oh… erm… yeah, yeah… that’s what I meant too. BEN: Oh, who am I kidding? Come here you big lug. BOTH MEN HUG. MARTINEZ, FONG, MRS MARTINEZ AND THE CHINESE MASTER ALL JOIN IN FOR A GROUP HUG. ROLL CREDITS
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