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Poetry
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What Colour Was The Sun?
By uche
07 June 2007
What colour was the sun
when the playground went wild

     the clouds flinched at the approach of dust,
     the earth quaked beneath the crashing hooves.

What colour was the sun
when the wind moaned out its report of alarm 

      they cornered you like a hapless hen,
      hurled you to the ground.

What colour was the sun
when the cymbals of their voices clashed in the air

     their nostrils flared, the swords flashed,
     their faces blazed, the flames billowed.

What colour was the sun – 
was it blood? or simply ghostly white?
 

Reviews
wow
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 7th June 2007
War? Rape pillage and plunder? It's all very dramatic. 
 
Love the language in the penultimate stanza "flared...flashed...blazed...billowed" - not usually a fan of lists but that works beautifully. 
 
'school premises' sounds a bit formal for the simplicity and starkness that you've got here, is it from a child's point of view? Or a memory? If so I think 'playground'/'schoolyard' would do fine. 
 
Your imagery is gorgeous and vivid, but perhaps stick us a note at the beginning with regards to context? It leaves me lost for words... 
 
bloody well done uche :grin  
 
clo

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 7th June 2007
agree with all of the above including 'playground'. 
Best wishes 
steve.

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 7th June 2007
I am with the others, a very vivid and powerful piece. The only crit i have it that the last line jarred a little for me. The rest had a rhythm and the last line just didn't quite 'fit'. Hm, having said that it does make it stand out and it's actually prompted me to read over the poem a couple more times. Perhaps it's fine as it is! Great.

Written by sam_duke (19 comments posted) 7th June 2007
I'm also not sure about the last line. Although it's probably fine as it is, if I was writing it (as highly unlikely as it is that I would come up with anything close to this!) I'd try and have the single syllable 'blood' at the end of the line, with the 'ghostly white' first, although I see that could then change the nature of the piece I suppose. 
 
But I'm just thinking out loud - it's still very powerful, very rich.
very dramatic indeed.
Written by onlyhattie (9 comments posted) 7th June 2007
i love the imagery in this.  
 
very powerful stuff here. and the phrase: 'when the cymbals of their voices clashed in the air' not sure why but it rings well with me.  
 
nice one.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 8th June 2007
I quite like the idea behind this. Think you've got a few cliched phrases in here that you could replace mind you. 
 
Elli
What Colour Was The Sun
Written by uche (44 comments posted) 8th June 2007
glad for the nice compliments 
make me feel like a real poet

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