It's been a while since I went for the whole observational thing, but here goes nothin'...
Reckon I could do without the first stanza?
This is the last time - if someone comments on the line-breaks in this poem I PROMISE I will do something about it...honest. All crit, abuse and advice welcome =)
They stand there together,
appear oblivious, gaze
in opposite directions.
His arm rests on her shoulders,
hand hanging a safe distance
from her chest, occasionally caressing
the skin around a birth-mark.
Hers is looped around his waist,
her fingers drawing circles on his hip
just below his t-shirt. She bores
a hole in his self-control, slowly.
It breaks; fingers on joints become
hands on backs, pushing, pulling
closer. A train rushes by and
casts a deafening silence on the scene.
Tail lights fade into that dark,
he pulls away. Hands slide
down arms and fingers lace, but
eyes lock. Touches beyond skin.
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Written by Lizzy (793 comments posted) 7th June 2007 |
I'm not a poet but I thought this was very good. I think you're right about the first stanza.
Love 'Touches beyond skin.' it says so much.
Lizzy |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 7th June 2007 |
I liked this very much. I agree that stanza one is pretty much redundant. You paint some very specific pictures here that allow for and invite a larger imagination of the scene. Good dtuff.
Sorry (before I ask) line breaks. I never quite get some of yours. This is not a criticism, it could just be my lack of poetic finesse. Examples: why split?
She bores - and- a hole
Pulling - and - closer
And - and - casts
But - and - eyes
As before Clo - not a crit, a genuine hankering to understand.
Phil.
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sensual...
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 7th June 2007 |
| For me the first stanza is great. It shows how they are slowly drawn to each other, from gazing in opposite directions to being so intimate. I didn't like 'touches beyond skin' but i can't put my finger on why. Perhaps 'A touch beyond skin' or something would be better, i think it has something to do with the pluralising (is that a word?) of 'touch' that doesn't quite fit. For me anyway, the rest was great! |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 7th June 2007 |
| i forgot to mention the line breaks- you have to break somewhere so you just do it where it feels right. I think this read fine, but for me when i (attempt to) write poetry i end or begin a line on a word that is particularly significant to the line or story. I'd be interested to know where and why you break though? i'm not a poet so, like Phil, it's interesting to me. |
love it
Written by onlyhattie (9 comments posted) 7th June 2007 |
wow clo.
wish i could think up stuff like this.
most of mine is based on darkness and lonliness and all that cr*p. is it based on anyone in particular? if it is am i being dense?
you're so good at this stuff. lol. i especially loved the beginning. and the end in fact. very emotionally strong.
love u limpet xxxx |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 8th June 2007 |
Thought th eline breaks in this were mostly ok though there are some oddities here and there! Some nice bits in this but it left me a little unsatisfied.
A couple of thoughts, feel free to ignore but were it mine I'd be tempted to drop the first stanza and I think the progression from stanzas four through five needs a bit more thought to maybe bring out the escalation of the situation a bit. But I loved the way you linked the train in. Worth working on imo.
Elli |
I NEVER do this, but I'm replying here
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 8th June 2007 |
Gill: thanks for that comment about "touches beyond skin" I wasn't that sure either, because of the 'pluralisation'  of 'touch'. I might change it, but I need to read through again and have a look at the rhythm.
Phil, Gill & Elli: My seemingly random line-breaks DO make sense at the time... honest. I think it's partly to do with shape - I like to get the shape of the stanzas and the length of the lines just so [call me sad but it's true]. After that, it's for rhythm or emphasis.
I think Phil's right, I'm going to move 'casts' onto the line above, but the 'but - eyes' one was for a reason - I wanted 'eyes lock' to be on the same line as the final sentence; must be the classicist in me 
thanks alot for the feedback guys!
clo x |
Written by wltshr (314 comments posted) 8th June 2007 |
I thought: "She bores a hole in his self control" was a fabulous line.
Well done
Wltshr |
Hi Clo
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 9th June 2007 |
I loved this. Loved: "Touches beyond skin", it finished the piece off beautifully, although Gills suggestion is also a good one.
Line breaks: I wasn't even conscious of them - thought it flowed really well.
E 
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