Chapter 11

Although it was sometimes very hard, Donna knew that life had to go on after her tragic loss.  Some days were harder than others, and she liked to keep herself busy.  Occasionally, something would happen to remind her, and she would cry.  She knew that she would not get over it just like that - but she also knew that she had the love of her husband and her family to help her carry on.  Although Jon was trying to be strong for her sake, she would catch him, when he did not realise she had seen him, shedding a few tears in private, dealing with his grief in his own way.  Like a lot of men, he often did not like to admit that he was hurting.  At least now they had learned to be there for each other, and not try to fight on alone, they managed to find comfort in each other.

One day, to try and occupy her mind, Donna decided to go and visit her mother.   They had planned to go together, but Jon was feeling under the weather, so he decided to stay at home.  Donna had only left the house five minutes when the doorbell rang.  He cursed under his breath and went to answer it.  It was their next door neighbour, who had been away on holiday for the last couple of weeks, and knew nothing of their loss.

"Hello, love!" she said, brightly.  "Just thought I'd come and bring round some presents I bought for you!  Goodness me, are you all right?  You look a bit peaky!"

"I'm all right" he said, feeling anything but.  "I think I might have a virus or something, I just feel so tired."

"I'll leave you alone, then" she said, turning to go.

"No!  It's all right, I could do with the company - please, Eileen, come in!"

"If you're sure" she said, stepping inside.  He showed her into the living room, then went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.  He thanked her politely for their presents, saying he would give Donna hers when she returned home.

She handed him another package.  He was mystified as to what it could be.  He tore off the paper to reveal a beautiful hand knitted matinee coat.  Eileen was smiling expectantly as he opened it, but her smile soon faded as he looked at her with tears streaming down his face.

"What is it, love?" she said  "Please, what's wrong?"

"You don't know, do you?"

He gently placed the coat on the table in front of them, and, covering his face with his hands, he began to cry as if his heart would break.  Eileen was horrified.  She put a comforting arm around his shoulders, begging him to tell her what she had done wrong.

"I don't know what?" she said, looking completely mystified, and quite upset.

"It - it happened while you were away! It's Donna, she - she lost the baby!"

Eileen held him close, gently rocking him back and forth, tears rolling down her face.

"Oh, Jon!" she whispered, her voice shaking.  "I'm so, so sorry!  I feel absolutely dreadful now!  What must you think of me, bringing it all back like this!"

"You weren't to know" he said, standing up and taking the empty cups into the kitchen.
 
He stood there for a few minutes, trying to calm himself down.  Getting over this was going to be harder than he thought.  After a while he went back into the living room, and, to his surprise, he saw that Eileen was crying, holding the little coat in her hands.  He sat down next to her, taking her hand in his.

"Don't upset yourself like this, Eileen" he said  "You weren't to know, you weren't even here when it happened.  There's no need to feel bad about it - it was a lovely gesture.  It looks like you went to a lot of trouble"

"We had two or three rainy days" she said, drying her eyes.  "So I decided to make this for you...   I'm so sorry, you must be hurting so much - I lost a baby myself, so I know what it's like."

"Sometimes it's like a physical pain" he admitted, his self control very much under threat.  "Some days are worse than others.  One day, I think it's getting better, and then the next something happens to remind me, and I realise it's going to take longer than I thought. It will get better, won't it, Eileen?"

"Of course it will" she said, feeling incredibly moved as he rested his head on her shoulder, fighting to keep his eyes open.  Whatever this virus was, it was knocking him for six - or maybe it wasn't a virus but a delayed reaction to what had happened. The doctor had not been sure.

"It's Donna who must be hurting the most" he said, his voice so quiet she had to strain to hear him. "She was carrying our baby, feeling it growing inside her, so her pain must be worse than mine.  As long as she knows I'm here for her, that's the main thing."

"It works both ways, Jon, love" she said, as she stroked his hair with her gentle careworn hand.  "It was your baby, too.  Don't forget, you don't have to be strong all the time - if you're hurting, let her see it, and, most important of all, if you want to cry - then cry. There's no shame in that.  I found that letting out my grief helped heal it far quicker than if I had kept it inside."

When he did not answer her, she glanced downwards and saw that he was asleep, his head still resting on her shoulder.  As she watched him, her heart ached for him, and for Donna.  Suddenly, the front door opened, and Donna walked in.  She glanced at the small coat on the table; she picked it up, her eyes filling with tears.

"I'm so sorry, Donna" said Eileen, close to tears herself.  "but I didn't know.  I would do anything to take back the pain I've caused you."

"You haven't caused me any pain, Eileen" she said, sitting down and putting a hand on her shoulder.  "You weren't to know."

She glanced at Jon, who was still sound asleep in Eileen's arms.  She couldn't help noticing how pale he looked, with dark circles under his eyes.  She imagined she must look pretty much the same herself.

"I don't know what's wrong with him, Eileen" she said, her voice shaking, tears threatening.  "Look at him, he's so tired he's gone to sleep in your arms, just like a...."

She could not bring herself to say the word baby.  Eileen just squeezed her hand, no words were needed - she knew exactly how Donna was feeling.

"I don't think he's ill, Donna" she said  "I think he's just absolutely shattered - considering everything that happened it's perfectly understandable."

"I'm tired too, Eileen"  Donna was close to tears.  "Sometimes I lay awake at night, and I imagine I hear a baby crying, then realise I can't - or I dream that I'm feeding and changing my baby, and wake up to find it's not real - there's nothing there.  There's so many things here that remind me of my baby..."

She broke off mid sentence as Jon stirred in Eileen's arms, his eyes flickering open.  He pulled away from her, for some inexplicable reason his face was burning with embarrassment.

"Oh God, Eileen, I'm so sorry!" he said, rubbing his eyes, trying to wake up properly.  "I don't normally fall asleep on people - especially when they're guests in my home!"

"It's all right" she said, smiling fondly at him.  "You've every reason to be tired - you both have."

"Did you enjoy your holiday, Eileen?" said Donna, trying to change the subject.  She was trying to prise the cellophane off her box of fudge - one of her weaknesses.  "Thank you for my present."

"You're welcome, dear" she said  "I did - it was a lovely break.  Having said that, I think that's what you two could do with - a holiday.  It might help, you know, a change of scene."

When Eileen had gone, and they were alone together, they thought about what she had said.  At the moment, there were reminders of their loss all over the house, sometimes making the pain as raw as if it had happened just the day before.  A holiday was what they needed, somewhere warm and quiet, where they could leave everything behind, hoping that, maybe, the sun's rays would go some way to warming and easing the ache in their hearts.