The Medium

Now this is a tale of a fellow called Ted who claimed he had powers to contact the dead
He sat down and carefully worked out a way to fool everybody and make the claim pay
Deciding he needed to put on a show, he hired the Town Hall to give it a go
He figured a way to create a few scares just by knocking on tables and shuffling chairs
Falling back in his chair like he’s having a spasm out of his mouth would come ectoplasm
Doubts in his powers would vanish for certain, and for the plasm he’d use a net curtain
This trick he thought would cement their belief, if he didn’t tangle it in his false teeth
Once men all turn pale and the women are sobbing I’ll pass round the hat and get a few bob in

The day came and Ted stood surveying the crowd trying to stop himself laughing out loud
His face was transfixed in a hideous grin as he dreamed up a spirit guide called Gungerdin
Gungerdin carried water he muttered with glee, and after all I’m only taking the P
If I do get this right and do nothing rash this mob will all go home minus their cash
Now Ted settled down to his routine carefully setting a spiritual scene
He spoke with voice kind of distant and thin hoping he sounded just like Gungerdin
"I am Gungerdin, for the spirits I speak, I’m here three times a day for the rest of the week"

"Has anyone here lost someone called Nelly?" "I have" a voice cried, "She was stood on the telly.
She used to be in an ornate china pot but the cat knocked it over and shattered the lot.
We hoovered her up off the fireside mat, but she got mixed with fag ends and hairs from the cat.
We emptied her ashes into a tray, the moggy crapped in it so we threw her away
She’s now on the compost heap under the hedge we’ll dig her in next spring when we grow veg
Don’t bring her back, she’ll do your head in, she got on my wick at my second wedding
I don’t want to know though I’m her daughter. Tell Gungerdin to sod off for more water"

Now Ted felt that things were not going to plan so the next question he aimed at a man
seeing a rough looking chap dressed in blue, Gungerdin said. "Now I’ve got a Willie for you".
The man went bright red as he flew in a rage and with two giant strides he was up on the stage
"I’m telling you mister to watch what you say, don’t you dare start inferring you think I’m gay."
Grabbing poor Ted by the front of his coat yelled "I’ll ram this here plasm stuff back down your throat"
He looked at the plasm and he was agog, it was the net curtain from in the Gent’s bog
"You swindling git give us all back our cash." But Ted was no mug and was off like a flash

Panicking, Ted wasn’t sure what to do and decided to lock himself in the Gents loo
That chap had caused him considerable pain then quite absentmindedly Ted pulled the chain
Instantly there was an almighty crash a sharp shriek of pain that was drowned with a splash
The cistern had fallen on poor old Ted’s dome, and feet first in a wooden box they took Ted home.
He had upset the spirit of old Gungerdin and a water container had now done Ted in
So don’t meddle with things that you don’t understand or you may well join Ted in a spiritual land.