My 45 minute fiction effort - about half an hours worth
The storm breaks, ignited by the thudding of our tennis ball against a wall
and we are soon banished, our only choice, to cross the swollen river,
so we ford it, one by one, muscles wrestling against the hungry current.
On the other side, a jungle waits with spiders
to avoid and broad leaves from which to drink.
Later on, there may be a show with ponies, freshly groomed,
manes braided. We must hold them, still their dancing feet
until the red and white striped poles go up and we may race and jump.
Returning now, the nettle-ridden current dribbles
barely enough water to feed the wilting rhubarb,
All that is left of our childhood games is a pile of flower pots
and bamboo canes; no sign of the ponies
that pranced for us back then.
On the patio, flanked by marigolds,
he seems smaller than I remember,
made fragile by our games,
and only now that we are gone do I hold out my hand to him.
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Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 10th June 2007 |
Bloody hell Elli - I thought you said we were supposed to avoid poetry weren't you?
Glad you didn't really.
I know you've heard this from me before - but this is one with resonance. It means much more than it possibly should because of that. I love the way this flows from the past to the present. Not sure who 'he' is: father, house, gnome, time, home??? but the ending works really well.
One of those that a dust cover might say:
'imbued with nostalgic sadness'
-but not in a sentimental way
Really liked - connected. I've missed your poetry. One of few that almost always does it for me. (oooer)
Phil.
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A second trawl...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 10th June 2007 |
Hello Elli, just passing through.
Bit wordy Elli. Remember words are your servants not you master, Don't succumb to being seduced by the sound of words. Its an adolescent thing. Look at any kid's pop-up stuff on this site; ie.,-blood an' gore; shock /monster; angst; the usual contrived and pretentious claptrap. Ten a penny! Got student stamped all over it.
But try cutting out the army of adjectives and looking at it again. Thinking about what you want to say without smart words. It is my guess you will find that the sense will bear a much more direct and bare impact. In poetry fewer is better. But such a good effort-- in 45 minutes? Well done!
My best wishes to you.
Slan! |
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
I enjoyed reading this, and as usual with your poetry, I am always afraid to comment - as I so often get it wrong.
I see a young girl - dreaming and the horses - and then in the end, coming back home, seeing her father, and wishing that their time together could have been more meaningful.
Have you moved house yet? |
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
Succinct review.
Quite lovely.
Tour work isn't wordy, so I won't be either.
Best wishes
Steve. |
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
| ...and neither is 'your' work. |
Helle Eli
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
| It was good to read your poetry again Eli. I agree with what has been said above - probably put in a much better way than I could put it. I didn't think it was wordy either. I guess you were going home after a long time away, to see your father. When you go back to a place, it's never the same. I went back to my birthplace last year. I wish I had just remembered the place as it was when I was a child. I liked the way that you went straight into your childhood world, and just as quickly you were returning. I wish I could find someone who has gone back and things have been better - but I don't think it ever happens. Well done! Enjoyed reading this very much. |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 12th June 2007 |
to me poetry is all about lovely words or even 'orrible ones...that when read make you feel something..you certainly succeeded here, i really liked the chilhood memories and the wistfulness of this.
enjoyed thanks. |
Thanks all
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 12th June 2007 |
Phil - You're right...I really shouldn't have done a poem  Just couldn't help myself - it's an illness  Glad it did it for you 
Gerard - you're right about the profusion of adjectives, pitfall of writing flash poetry i guess - for me at least. I think I'll use the fifteen minutes I have left to remove some of them.
Jean - you're spot on, will drop you a pm when i have a minute
Steve, Josie and Janie - Thanks muchly - glad you liked it.
Elli |
Written by wltshr (341 comments posted) 13th June 2007 |
Wistful but not sad.
"Blue remembered hills". I'm generally not a poetry lover but this is a lovely piece.
Well done
Wltshr |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
| Good poem. Not as mysterious as many of your other works, but still a typical Elli Pinnock. Somehow you are very good at using the setting to tell its own story. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 19th June 2007 |
Evocative - misty eyed - nostalgic - beautifully crafted as always.
I agree to an extent with Gerard - I think that we must all try to distill our work until it gets as near pure as we can make it. This could probably be said in less words, with more impact - but all your words are so lovely!
Its like having lots of lovely clothes and wanting to wear them all at once. Leave a bit of flesh on show!
Oli
P.S The proposal is still on the table, but I imagine you still have your beau tucked away in that Welsh love nest 
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