Clara sat by lace-curtained windows looking out at pretty gardens. She sipped warm tea from her plastic beaker, same as she did everyday. The TV blaring, but nobody watching. Russell Grant’s ‘Postcards’ was airing. He was trying to get his lard arse into some narrowboat somewhere in Ross-on-Wye, while simultaneously giving the day’s horoscopes. “…. and for all you sexy Scorpions out there, you’ll encounter a loved one from the past” Russell struggled before finally giving way to gravity, letting out a camp squeal as he slipped ungracefully from towpath to narrowboat deck. The moment passed unnoticed.
The semi circle of orthopaedic chairs in the TV lounge was full of old ladies in various stages of slumber, heads lolling onto their chests, cardigans gracing bony shoulders. They looked like featherless, baby sparrows that had tumbled from the nest; twisted bodies waiting for the inevitable.
The last of the afternoon sun warmed Clara’s wrinkled face; her once bright eyes now empty, soulless pools, where loneliness dwelt and despair came to bathe frequently. Occasionally, hope could be seen in those pools. Today it glimmered shyly, barely visible, yet it was there as she watched and waited.
At sunset, as rose and tangerine shadows enveloped the gardens, Clara saw from her laced window, Edward, her husband, waiting by the gate.
“Time to come home,” he whispered.
The beaker gently slipped from Clara’s hand, hitting the floor with a hollow thud. Matron picked it up, and seeing that all too familiar glazed look about the eyes, wheeled her out to a side room. The semi-circle of ladies stirred like sleepy chicks at twilight. One by one they will all fly home, but for now they can only dream of it.
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I really liked this Written by tat_2man (56 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
because I have worked at retirement homes and I used to see "her once bright eyes now empty, soulless pools, where loneliness dwelt and despair came to bathe frequently" everyday. I always hoped that their deaths would be like this. Thanks for this. |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
Loved this Janie. It's neat, simple, touching and very effective. The last two sentences, superb. Brought a tear to my eye. Again - lovely. Phil. |
PS..... Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
| ....and not a bum hole in sight! |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
| PMSL |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
| oops thanks tattoo bloke i just noticed your comment too..glad you liked it. |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
PMSL? I've always been crap at abreviations. (Not even sure if I can spell it.) Phil. |
Written by Asferthecat (851 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
| Loved this one. The comparison of old women to featherless baby sparrows - brilliant. It really sticks in the mind. |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
thanks cat, really old people always remind me of baby sparrows without feathers for some reason...same with premature babies. phil i thought you needed a degree in acronyms to be a teacher i'll give you a clue it's to do with urination and laughing |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
Hi Yes it's all been said .It was a sensitively written little vignette full of warmth and humanity. One of those sad but sweet stories that stay with you. Only one thing jarred with me "eyes now empty, soulless pools, where loneliness dwelt and despair came to bathe frequently". The last bit felt like someone taking the pee out of Mills and Boon A metaphor too far perhaps? That said, it was a restrained and genuinely moving piece. cheers Jane |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
Pissing myself laughing? God, it's nearly as bad as bum holes! (Teachers and acronyms - if it has letters, it must be crap) Back to your piece - it's still lovely. I'll have to learn a few of these internet acronyms. It'll save me getting into trouble spelling it out. Phil. |
Written by teddy (240 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
Hi Janie, I too found this very touching, especially Clara’s vision of her husband waiting for her by the gate. a lovely read. Teddy
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babies and really old people... Written by strawberryshrapnel (61 comments posted) 11th June 2007 |
babies, really old people and sparrows,it's the wrinkly pinkness! Though you should check out the naked mole rat...(one of my thirteen year old daughters favourite animals) I say this with no disrespect and hoping that one day sI shall be compared to them,should I be lucky enough to live that long! This piece of writing,to me,was complete,nothing needed adding,the image was beautiful. SS |
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 12th June 2007 |
Clara saw from her laced window, Edward, her husband, waiting by the gate. “Time to come home.” he whispered. God! How many times has this been done before? But FM, you did it so beautifully! No wasted words, plenty of bite, fantastic imagery, and you even had me believing that a scorpion could be sexy! Best wishes Estee
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Hi Janie Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 12th June 2007 |
I liked this too - especially the sparrow and chick comparisons. I thought it a nice take on something that could have been so cliched. I think I agree with Jane - the last line was maybe one step too far for me. I'm not sure what to replace it with mind! Lovely piece of flash Cheers, Elli |
and it's so true ......... Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 12th June 2007 |
......... in many I've known personally (eg. aunts etc) the surviving half of older couples who have been together forever will very often follow where the other has led ........... Poignant, and with a clever twist in the ending - thank you! When my wife reached her hundredth birthday I shall be 107. We've already decided to leave together in a blaze of glory by leaping Death Valley on a supercharged Harley-D .... |
Written by wltshr (341 comments posted) 13th June 2007 |
Wonderful imagery. As Steve said, you took a terribly cliched subject and did wonderful things with it. Well done. Very enjoyable. Best Wltshr |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 13th June 2007 |
| Wow. That's a beautiful description of something which is actually rather sad. And then they wish people a long life... Reading this I 'm beginning to wonder if that's a congratulation or an insult. |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 13th June 2007 |
This gave me goosepimples (for the first time on GW). Rest has already been said...i particularly liked this "The semi circle of orthopaedic chairs in the TV lounge was full of old ladies in various stages of slumber, heads lolling onto their chests, cardigans gracing bony shoulders." Janie, loved this. Regards, TT |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 13th June 2007 |
| wow! thanks everyone for all the lovely comments...yes a met too far BBS LOL! i shall cut this out on the re-write. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 14th June 2007 |
This type of piece can so easily become maudling and somewhat patronising but you handled it beautifully Janie. The imagery took us right into those rows of lolling heads.In fact for a writer past his prime a little too close for comfort! Excellent. Woody |
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
Very good and very well written. Thought the opening gambit of 'pretty gardens' was trifling compared to some of the other brilliant descriptions ... it tripped me up before I had started to think how good this was, and stands out even more now I have finished. When I saw how long his was, I imagined that it to be another frustrating attempt at prose without story for the reader to hang their hat on, but you even get this spot on.
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Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 19th June 2007 |
What a well written lovely story. I though the comparison of the trivialities of Russell Grant and daytime TV with the realities of end of life and death was very nicely judged. Lizzy |
Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
thanks woody, sorry to worry you thanks johnie..will take a look at the first line when my brain hurts less thanks lizzy, yes russell...well, what can i say? he just popped into my head...god knows why lol! |
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