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By proveyouexist
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12 June 2007 |
i heard it's raining fire. that you can see the buildings breathe and speak in tongues. that ground has opened up and the bodies of the dead spill out onto the fresh grass. that god himself, dressed in a suit and tie, is swallowing children whole. that he's made up of one hundred percent ego and jealousy. i heard him knock on my door the other day, he was crying and shouting. i heard him yell,
"i am the ultimate designer, i know what you're thinking, and i know your future! why can't i live here on the planet i created?!"
i calmly whispered back to him through my keyhole,
"because i made you up, you can only live in my imagination."
i looked through that keyhole and watched the overcast disapear, the ground close back up, the buildings grew silent, and the voice at the door was no longer audible.
i walked outside, enjoyed the day, without that man limiting my desires or potential.
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Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 12th June 2007 | Enjoyed the first half. "i walked outside, enjoyed the day, without that man limiting my desires or potential." But he is limiting your potential, because he seems to be all that you can write about!! Best wishes. Steve. 666
| Written by Phil (6832 comments posted) 12th June 2007 | There's lots to like about this. It appeals to my own beliefs. There are some really good lines and phrases too, eg: because i made you up, you can only live in my imagination." i heard it's raining fire. that you can see the buildings breathe and speak in tongues. For me, lots of potential. But what a mess! The first half is better, but still loose and sloppy. The second is all over the place. The ending really needs tightening up. Out of interest, what have you got against capitalisation? All it does it make meaning clearer. I'd think about line breaks. That will help give your piece some pulse. It is there, but it's hard to find. Sorry to be negative, but this had an immediate appeal for me and I was just left disappointed. Phil. | Written by madeupname (18 comments posted) 6th July 2007 | | Would you really spend all that time making up something so vivid in your imagination and then hide away from it as though you are scared of it? |
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