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By maipenrai
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13 June 2007 |
Dushti Laila is a stretch of desert in N.W.Afghanistan. The spirits of the dead cry out to the living in Dushti Laila their voices carried across the sands by the nightwind. listen so many voices crying out in the wilderness justice for the dead of Dusti Laila. as you drive across the desert you can see the sun bleached bones of the victims, for you can hide nothing forever in the desert, the shifting sands and the animals will expose that which killers wish to hide. and so it is in Dushti Laila this place of mass graves where only the spirits of the dead will stay forever. |
visual Written by uche (44 comments posted) 13th June 2007 | good poetry i'd rather you sub (line 4) "carried" with a stronger verb liks "amplified" or "pushed", you know, to give it more visual... line 12... "sun-bleached bones" strike me as cliche; use something fresh, original good poem, though u could ignore my suggestions line 17..."and so it is in..." is a bit prosaic re-phrase if you can i.e. | thanks Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 13th June 2007 | uche for your constuctive comments which I take on board, not got much time at the moment but I will certainly consider your suggestions later. Bernie | Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 13th June 2007 | Well I like it as is, you tell such graphic stories with your words. As long as you avoid the shifting, whispering sands it's fine by me. Wailing, screaming dunes!! Perhaps the two crying lines could have been made slightly more repetitive to reinforce lines 2 and 8. However, this is probably a very personal poem for you, so you probably know best. Best wishes Steve.
| Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 13th June 2007 | Bernie... hope you won't mind, heard you had no time, messed up your poem, mine's a lager and lime. * the spirits of the dead cry out to the living in Dushti Laila. wailing across the sands carried by the night wind Listen… …so many voices cry out in the wilderness, wailing through the dunes ‘Justice for the dead’ of Dusti Laila. as you travel across the desert you can see the sun bleached bones, nothing lies forever undisclosed in the shifting desert sand, for that which killers seek to hide, the animals expose and so it is in Dushti Laila, this place of mass graves where only the desert sand and the spirits of the dead shall remain, forever crying out to the living. * Best wishes and sincere apologies, steve. | Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 13th June 2007 | Again, a fair amount of impact, but this piece is more reflective. Again, I have issues with punctuation and capitalisation - it only adds to clarity and meaning. I thought this started well but became gradually too wordy. Try reading it without the first two words in both lines 11 and 12 and you might see what I mean. (I could be way off.) I think this principle could be applied to much of the piece. Should line 4 be 'carry' not 'carried.' Phil. | Thanks Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 14th June 2007 | to Steve and Phil for your constructive comments. Steve, no need to apologise mate, liked what you have done with it. Phil, your right, to wordy, thanks for pointing that out. again thanks guys Bernie |
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