Great Writing - Home > Poetry > Dushti Laila
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1095 guests online and 12 members online
Poetry
Dushti Laila
By maipenrai
13 June 2007
Dushti Laila is a stretch of desert in N.W.Afghanistan.

The spirits of the dead
cry out to the living in
Dushti Laila
their voices carried across the sands
by the nightwind.

listen

so many voices
crying out in the wilderness
justice for the dead of
Dusti Laila.

as you drive across the desert
you can see the sun bleached bones of the victims,
for you can hide nothing forever
in the desert, the shifting sands and
the animals will expose
that which killers wish to hide.

and so it is in Dushti Laila
this place of mass graves
where only the spirits of the dead
will stay forever.

Reviews
visual
Written by uche (44 comments posted) 13th June 2007
good poetry 
i'd rather you sub (line 4) "carried" with a stronger verb liks "amplified" or "pushed", you know, to give it more visual... 
 
line 12... "sun-bleached bones" strike me as cliche; 
use something fresh, original 
 
good poem, though 
u could ignore my suggestions 
 
line 17..."and so it is in..." is a bit prosaic 
re-phrase if you can i.e.
thanks
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 13th June 2007
uche for your constuctive comments which I take on board, not got much time at the moment but I will certainly consider your suggestions later. 
 
Bernie

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 13th June 2007
Well I like it as is, you tell such graphic stories with your words. 
As long as you avoid the shifting, whispering sands it's fine by me. 
Wailing, screaming dunes!! 
Perhaps the two crying lines could have been made slightly more repetitive to reinforce lines 2 and 8. 
However, this is probably a very personal poem for you, so you probably know best. 
 
Best wishes 
Steve. 
 

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 13th June 2007
Bernie... 
hope you won't mind, 
heard you had no time, 
messed up your poem, 
mine's a lager and lime. 
 

 
the spirits of the dead 
cry out to the living in 
Dushti Laila. 
wailing across the sands 
carried by the night wind 
 
Listen… 
 
…so many voices 
cry out in the wilderness, 
wailing through the dunes 
‘Justice for the dead’ of 
Dusti Laila. 
 
as you travel across the desert 
you can see the sun bleached bones, 
nothing lies forever undisclosed 
in the shifting desert sand, 
for that which killers seek to hide, 
the animals expose 
 
and so it is in Dushti Laila, 
this place of mass graves 
where only the desert sand 
and the spirits of the dead 
shall remain, forever 
crying out to the living. 
 

 
Best wishes and sincere apologies, 
steve.

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 13th June 2007
Again, a fair amount of impact, but this piece is more reflective. Again, I have issues with punctuation and capitalisation - it only adds to clarity and meaning. 
 
I thought this started well but became gradually too wordy. Try reading it without the first two words in both lines 11 and 12 and you might see what I mean. (I could be way off.) I think this principle could be applied to much of the piece. 
 
Should line 4 be 'carry' not 'carried.' 
Phil.
Thanks
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 14th June 2007
to Steve and Phil for your constructive comments. 
 
Steve, no need to apologise mate, liked what you have done with it. 
 
Phil, your right, to wordy, thanks for pointing that out. 
 
again 
thanks guys 
Bernie

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item