Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Captivated by Her
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1006 guests online and 5 members online
Shorts
Captivated by Her
By Snodlander
14 June 2007
Entered for a short competition entitled 'Captivated by sheer romance'.  This isn't going to win, I suspect

She stopped the car and pulled on the handbrake.  I wished she’d use the button when putting it on, and not let the ratchet click, like a kid on speed running a stick over railings.  She sat, hands gripping the wheel, knuckle-white, staring through the windscreen at the vista below us.  Finally she turned to me.

“Do you recognise this place?”

I nodded.  This was Her Place.  We had been dating for a few weeks.  I don’t remember how long exactly, but I bet she did, down to the minute.  It was her special place.  A dirt track that ended on top of a chalk quarry dug into the side of the North Downs.  We had sat in her car, looking at the Weald of Kent spread out below us one summer evening.  And as the red sun had sunk below us, we had had sex.  Although she probably thought of it as ‘consummating our eternal passion’.  It was OK, I guess.  Car sex always meant compromises with the shape of the seats and the various sticks and levers.  But she had cried afterwards, just with the beauty of it all.  Her Place.  I bet she had mentally re-christened it ‘Our Place’ afterwards.

“You know why I brought you up here, that first time?”

I stayed silent.  It was, I thought, a rhetorical question.

“I loved you, James.  I mean, I really thought you were The One.”

She had a way of capitalizing words when she spoke.  ‘The One’.  It made me think of that Keanu Reeves character in The Matrix.  You are The One.  She said she liked my quick wit and funny quips.  I sensed that this wasn’t the time to make a joke about what she was saying.

“I thought we were going to grow old together, James.  You know, like those old couples you see in the supermarket that still walk around hand in hand?  I thought that was going to be us.  That we would have made each other happy for the rest of our lives.  This was my Special Place.  I never brought anyone up here before, you know that?  You were special.

“And you just had to go and spit in my face, didn’t you!”

I would just like to make the point that I never once spat in her face.  I think she was being metaphorical, though even here I would dispute the spitting metaphor.

“Is there another woman, James?”

I shook my head.  There wasn’t, truly.  I wasn’t running into the arms of another woman, I was just running away from hers.  It was OK at the start.  I fancied her, no doubt.  Then it grew into something more.  Not love, exactly, but it was comfortable.  Like a pair of old shoes, I guess.

But shoes wear out after a while.  Her cute little foibles somehow turned into irritations.  Her refusal to call me ‘Jim’.  Her questions bordering on paranoia when I had been out with the lads.  The way she would run the ratchet on the handbrake.

And she started to cling.  Like mud, sticking to me, choking me, dragging me down.

“What, then?  I love you, James.  Completely.  I’ve destroyed myself to become what you wanted.  What I thought you wanted.  I’d have done anything for you.  Anything.  In the bedroom, too.  There have been other men, before you, but not like you, James.  You were special.  You were The One.”

I tried to reassure her, but the words wouldn’t come out

No tears.  That was a blessing, I suppose.  I’ve never been able to cope with a woman crying.  It had scared me silly when she had wept, that first time, after we had had sex in the car, here, in Her Place.  Our Place.  I thought I had screwed up, somehow.  Or maybe I had hurt her.  But she was crying, just from the beauty of it all, I guess.

I was crying, though.  Now.  With her in the car.  She reached out, and I flinched, but it was just to wipe my tears.  She was scaring me, but the thought of a runny nose scared me more.  I tried to ask her to take the gag off, but all that came out was a mumbling.

“Sssshhhh,” she crooned, as though I was a fretful baby.  “It’s alright, James.  Everything is alright.”

Her face became hard, cold.  Like ice, super-chilled.  So cold that it would take your skin off if you touched it.

When I was at school our physics teacher had filled a hollow bolt with water and screwed a nut onto the end, sealing it.  Then he had put it in a biscuit tin full of ice and had carried on teaching.  Half-way through the lesson there was an explosion from the tin.  The ice in the bolt had expanded and broken the nut off, stripping the threads bare.

She was like that now.  I could see all that warm love turning into ice so cold it would strip my flesh to the bones.  I could see her just busting at the rivets with ice-cold fury.

I tugged at the handcuffs yet again, my arms cramping from being stretched around the back of my seat, the metal cutting into the wrists.

“Except it isn’t alright, is it, James?  You spoilt it all.  You could have had me for the rest of our lives.  Happy ever after.  But that’s ruined now.  Ruined.”

She grabbed my face in both hands and kissed me fiercely on my gag.  Then she turned to the front again, staring at the flimsy wooden fence at the top of the cliff.  She let the handbrake off, turned to me and said, “I love you.”  Then she stamped on the gas.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6675 comments posted) 14th June 2007
I don't now how well you wanted the ending disguised, but I'd guessed they'd be over the cliff by the end very early on. What I didn't guess was the fact he was tied up. 
 
Nevertheless, I enjoyed this, but for me, more of a scene than a story.  
 
Frighteningly, I had a girlfriend like this once. Fortunately she couldn't drive, we were only sixteen. Scary girl. 
 
Phil

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 14th June 2007
"I had a girlfriend like this once. Fortunately she couldn't drive" 
 
OK, that had me choking on my drink. Nice one.

Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 14th June 2007
`..like a kid on speed running a stick over railings` Touch of the Philip Marlowe here which I love. I liked the laid-back style of the narrator which nicely diguised his `predicament.`Like Phil I saw the cliff edge beckoning but this in no way detracted from what was, a well told tale. Being in my sixties I`m afraid the old handcuffs are now well rusty...  
 
Woody

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 14th June 2007
Cliff coming, yes, hand-cuffs, no. 
 
Perhaps you could disguise the ending much better if you told the story of their first visit to the spot, and then cut to the end of the suicide scene. 
 
Was this meant to be repeated? 
 
'Car sex always meant compromises with the shape of the seats and the various sticks and levers. But she had cried afterwards, just with the beauty of it all.' 
 
'It had scared me silly when she had wept, that first time, after we had had sex in the car, here, in Her Place.' 
 
Best wishes 
Steve.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 15th June 2007
Well I feel rubbish - I didn't spot the cliff coming at all! 
 
Liked this, especially given the title for the competition - it's like alternative mills and boon ain't it? (Not that I would ever be seen dead with a Mills and Boon in my hand you understand...) 
 
I also nearly choked reading Phil's review... 
 
Elli

Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 16th June 2007
I didn't see the cliff coming either. I also didn't get the nut thing - I thought it was a walnut until the threads were stripped bare, I still have rather a confused image but it was a good simile for her turning dangerously cold. 
If it doesn't win it should do - a riveting story!

Written by gwennypenny (13 comments posted) 17th June 2007
I enjoyed this read. Suspected they were going over the cliff but was surprised when you casually mention the gag. Like the double meaning of the title. 
Hope it dfoes well in the comp. 
GP

Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 17th June 2007
I suspected a twist but you still caught me on the hop. This was a really good read, very well written I enjoyed it very much. 
 
Bit envious if I'm honest....yah boo! :grin
Good stuff
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 18th June 2007
Crikey ... you must have met my ex. 
 
The white knuckles give this away at the beginning, you could have played with us a little more. 
 
I also wanted a moment at the end where she steps out of the car and utters something like 'Bye hun!' 
 
The absolute best part of this is the way it describes the relationship and both their characters, expertly done.

Written by Lizzy (790 comments posted) 19th June 2007
Can't add much to other reviews, but enjoyed it and the end was a good twist. 
Lizzy

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 21st June 2007
You were just buiding it up nicely and then suddenly you tell us that he was hancuffed all this while...NICE...Didn't guess that AT ALL. I was just thinking that she would cry a lil, punch him in the face and leave and i didnt think that they would break up. The end was great. I thought she would start the car and jump out, but she went down with him....Killer...very nicely wrtten Snod...gooooood stufff... 
 
Regards, 
TT

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item