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Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 14th June 2007 |
I can see this maybe working as an internal monologue in front of a mirror, or sitting alone in a chair, but in a court room!!
I think that she would have already been confirmed as criminally insane by now.
Perhaps it might be worth breaking up the monologue with a few actions, ‘She nervously flicked the hair away from her eyes ’ sort of thing.
Just a thought.
Best wishes,
Steve.
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Written by Phil (6998 comments posted) 14th June 2007 |
I thought this worked well as a monologue. Simply told and revealing about your character. I was quite happy with it as it stands. Adding action to the piece would change the feel and tone dramatically. The relentless 'logic' and argument are what gives this its ability to make the reader think.
Phil |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 15th June 2007 |
Welcome Belladonna. I am a great fan of the monologue (almost a Bennett groupie in fact) and I think this works perfectly as a stand alone piece - but like Steve, not in a courtroom setting. I think it would be ideal as a `Talking Heads` piece with the central character speaking directly to camera (with perhaps the set indicating that she was maybe in a holding cell) Done this way I think it would have far more impact. Nicely paced and written.
All the best
Woody |
Monologue it is!
Written by Belladonna (7 comments posted) 15th June 2007 |
Heya. Thanks for reading and commenting, upon rereading my piece I agree completely with your ideas on how to make it better and will be editing them in the near future. Thanks for the reviews!!! Please keep commenting.
Thanks again.
Belladonna |
Written by philkent (170 comments posted) 15th June 2007 |
Hallo Belladonna, I've read both versions of this the second one would work better in a courtroom setting but I still feel the first one had more power and immediacy as a stand alone monologue, perhaps as has been mentioned a shrinks office, or the prison cell, camera panning away and the door slamming shut. No criticism intended just my own personal preference.
It's a very good piece. |
Written by Belladonna (7 comments posted) 15th June 2007 |
Ok People....I need your opinion.
Which do you think works better???
1) A stand alone monologue
2) The current version?
Please feel free to give your opinion.
Any other reviews are also welcome.
I look forward to your opinion.
Belladonna:D |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 15th June 2007 |
For me, the additions are too cliche - it was better before, as a monologue. As a monologue I found it just a bit flat and predictable - it needed something a bit unusual and unpredictable to set it off.
Elli |
Agree with Ellie
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 16th June 2007 |
| It needed something surprising. There were one or two hints at something strange - why had she aged so quickly? Why wouldn't he divorce her? Perhaps if she turned out to be his mother? |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 16th June 2007 |
I don`t think you need the additions - play it as a straight monologue with your new setting and perhaps her still deluding herself that she will still get off. This way it gives her character a little more depth. Just a thought...
Woody |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 19th June 2007 |
| This became more intriguing as it moved on simply because it seemed to move from crime of passion to premeditated murder, but the relatively matter-of-fact and cold way in which the motives were described left me with the conclusion that she was bordering on the insane before she had even married him. Nicely atmospheric. |
Written by Lizzy (838 comments posted) 19th June 2007 |
Enjoyed this and also thought it was atmospheric. Couldn't decide whether she was a footballer's wife or the wife of a Godfather in the Mafia. It did have the feeling of something un English!!!
Lizzy |
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
Welcome back!
Can't comment on the first draft - I can't find the damn thing anywhere.
In my opinion, this would work well with her sitting alone in a holding cell, talking to camera, prior to being called into court. As though practising, or deciding, what she was going to say from the dock.
Think of your audience. If you see this as a specifically stage set or television piece she would obviously toy nervously with her wedding ring, flick her hair etc. As long as the body language appears natural given her circumstances and her state of mind it will work. If this were a piece for radio you would have to do without.
You have to decide what works best and edit or alter accordingly.
Good strong piece.
Regards
Wltshr |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
OR may be she could just be an actress playing an unstable, crazy character on stage..and in the end, the twost could be applause by the audience, who admire her realistic performace. Another twist. She is not acting, she has actually killed her husband, so when she plays her character, it does not seem like an act. Just a suggestion.
Regards,
TT |
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