Outgoing prime minister Tony Blair has stunned opponents and supporters alike in a move which has been described as the ultimate act of betrayal. In the final days of his premiership it has emerged that he has covertly sold the whole country to Microsoft.

Our reporter caught up with him on his private jet and described how his mask had slipped, with the familiar smile being replaced by a contemptuous leer as he exclaimed: "Jesus wept! Can't I ever get any peace from you bastards?" He was wearing a white tracksuit and matching baseball cap and was all blinged up with piercings in his ears, nose and eyebrows.

When confronted about the deal he said "I've worked my nuts off for this country so I'll do what I friggin' well like with it. I don't need your votes any more so I don't care what you think. I'm a billionaire now. I've done the deal so I'm taking up residence in my new villa in Beverly Hills and my plush cybermansion in secondlife.com, so why don't you all just go and stuff yourselves?"

We later spoke to Microsoft chairman Bill Gates who was a bit more forthcoming. He claimed the deal will benefit Britain through increased broadband speeds and improved security. The company has developed a brand new operating system called Windows Blighty to replace the British constitution. He claimed an enhanced firewall will keep out undesirables and special systems will protect the country from viruses and worms as well as resource-sapping 'bloatware'.

It is believed the Royal Family will not be included in the deal.