The right to choose?
Some days I like this poem ... others I'm not sure so please feel free to tell me where I'm going wrong! I've all my life ahead of me, all my life,
I've only myself to blame;
The entire world laid before me, all the world,
my own private world of pain.
I had the pills laid out neatly,
in a line,
still I couldn't do it right;
No door to shut, no privacy, in this place,
so they found me in the night. Returned to ward, could not withstand, a new day,
my best efforts tired and tame;
It will not be by my own hand, not that quick,
but I'm dying - just the same. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 15th June 2007 | The message is clear enough, the words easy to understand, but the line breaks are strange and I am curious about this line:
I've only myself to blame.
Blame for what? Can you please elaborate?
Best wishes
steve.
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Written by Polly_Whittaker (6 comments posted) 16th June 2007 | Thank you for your comments - I appreciate you looking at this.
The lines are disjointed in an attempt to convey life being stretched out unnaturally, and perhaps laboured breathing.
Only myself to blame refers to the failed suicide attempt .. 'still I couldn't do it right'
I don't know, I was trying something different and got a little carried away playing with the patterns of the syllables... |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 16th June 2007 | Yes I guessed that she was probably blaming herself for the failed suicide, which makes me think that the comment is in the wrong place in the poem.
As for the line breaks, when you start to read the poem (without the benefit of an intro) it isn’t 100% clear that she is dying, so the quirky line breaks at the beginning don’t make a lot of sense and personally I’d hold them back to the end. Also towards the end you wrote ‘I could not stand a new day’ which I found a little odd as she isn’t dead yet so will have to stand another day.
This is only my opinion and I am far from being an expert in poetic form.
I break all the rules going and then some, doing my thing regardless of what others think.
Best wishes
Steve.
*
I've all my life
ahead of me,
all 'my' life,
in my own private
world of pain.
The entire world
lies before me,
all the world,
out of reach.
I've only myself
to blame,
I had the pills
laid out neatly
in a line,
still I couldn't do it right!
No door to shut,
no private place,
they found me in the night,
took away my freedom.
Returned to ward
I cannot stand
another day,
yet I have no choice,
my best efforts,
are…tired…
and lame.
It will not
be by
my
hand;
not
that
quick…
but I'm dying just the same.
*
My quirky alternative, for what it's worth. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 16th June 2007 | The line breaks don't work for me. They jar and don't seem to add anything to the meaning. The meaning itself seems a bit cliché to me- I don't feel as if you're saying anything new. But I salute you for experimenting- don't give up! 
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Written by Polly_Whittaker (6 comments posted) 16th June 2007 | Thanks both of you!
Steve - I preferred your 'no private place' to my no privacy and I see what you mean about leaving the line breaks until later but I don't think it works particulary well in your format either, in fact, once you strip away the experimenting I was doing with the rhyme etc, I can see how bad the actual content is! One small defence - it was could not withstand a new day, as in resist.
Gutterkitty - I appreciate your honesty, it's an old poem I kept coming back to as it bugged me, which is why I put it up here - I'm pleased I did because now I can bury it and move on!
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