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Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 17th June 2007 |
hi bri, i think this is a great idea and it could be made into a full blown short as there's a lot of scope to build it up. had to laugh when he woke up, sounds a right character. 
the opening i thought a little wordy..
“So I can only advise you that we suggest that as your grandfather is unlikely to regain consciousness that you should consider allowing us to switch off the life support system.”
i reckon some could be cut...maybe...
“So, I can only advise you that as your grandfather is unlikely to regain consciousness, you should consider allowing us to switch off the life support system.”
then this..
You ungrateful little basted
is that a deliberate spelling mistake?
then this could be re-phrased as i had to read it a few times to get what you meant..he'd stood up for him at a time when he could have been terminated.
I wouldn’t be here but for you standing my ground for me and now I’ve paid you back.”
i'm not sure i would have risked saying something like to a loved one in a real situation, just in case they heard but couldn't respond and then they died thinking that's what i thought of em...but see it's just a humorous piece that's not meant to reflect real life.
gave me a chuckle anyway, thanks.
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Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 17th June 2007 |
Very much enjoyed this BRN. I liked the ending but as Janie says, it could be expanded.
A couple of niggles. You've put a typo in the main title. Also if John had planned this why was he surprised when the monitors burst into life? Perhaps you could change it to something like: 'To John’s relief the monitors...'
Particularly liked: 'The Grandfather blinked and then shouted, “You ungrateful little basted, you wouldn’t be here but for me.” '
Cheers |
Written by gwennypenny (13 comments posted) 17th June 2007 |
Yup BRN I liked this little tale too. You could heightened the tension by not having the grandfather awake just immediately...Just a suggestion. Thanks for the read.
GP |
Written by Asferthecat (816 comments posted) 17th June 2007 |
| Nice idea. The last paragraph was strangely stilted. Perhaps if you exchanged some of the words for a bit of action - kissing and embracing the grandfather, tears of relief etc. |
Hi Janie
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
"“So I can only advise you that we suggest that as your grandfather is unlikely to regain consciousness that you should consider allowing us to switch off the life support system.”
It is long winded but I was trying to capture the callous indifferance of the medical profession.
basted was a typo but i left it cos it reminded me of hings like, Bar-Steward and so on.
"I wouldn’t be here but for you standing my ground for me and now I’ve paid you back.”
Granddad is awake when John says this. Granddad stopped the abortion and the resulting child brought granddad back from the dead.
Granny wanted the lad terminated, mummy wasn't too sure but granddad said "no you'll have him"
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian |
Hi 'attie
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
"A couple of niggles. You've put a typo in the main title. Also if John had planned this why was he surprised when the monitors burst into life? Perhaps you could change it to something like: 'To John’s relief the monitors..."
Done the typo.
John was at his wit's end, abusing his adored grandfather was all that was left. He had no belief that it would be efective.
I wrote this as a "Cameo", a thumb nail sketch, something for father's day. I wanted to make impact using as little words as was pos.
Thanks for your thoughts and advice,
Brian |
Hi GP
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
Glad you liked it. It was short because I wanted the shock element. For a moment you think John is about to pull all the plugs himself. But to his horror he's brought the old man back to life and then the second shock that John is delighted.
Brian |
Hi AFTC
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
"Nice idea. The last paragraph was strangely stilted. Perhaps if you exchanged some of the words for a bit of action - kissing and embracing the grandfather, tears of relief etc."
I suppose it is stilted but I had to leave it there or it would have become very slushy and syrupy.
Thanks for your thoughts,
Brian.
I shall be back to say a proper thank you. |
Written by Phil (6549 comments posted) 18th June 2007 |
Nice little cameo - great idea. Enjoyed it - but with whoever it was who said the final paragraph was a little stilted. It does need something doing to it. I'm sure you could avoid slush.
Good read.
Phil. |
Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 19th June 2007 |
Very nice piece.
Re: the last paragraph. In my humble, it says both too much and explains not enough at the same time.
My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to lose:
Quote:
Then I thought the one thing that might get to you was lies and ingratitude. I wouldn’t be here but for you standing my ground for me and now I’ve paid you back.
completely.
The last line then would be
Quote:
Oh granddad thank god we’ve got you back. I was at my wit’s end as to what to do.
Which says it all really.
Enjoyed it
Best
Wltshr |
Written by TwistedTales (544 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
HEhehe....a funny and pleasant ending. Loved the part where the granfather comes to life. Dunno, i am ok with the present thing, but also feel that a lil melodrama at the end would have worked fine too, like hugs, tears etc as AFTC has already pointed out.
Regards,
TT |
Watto Phil
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
Glad you liked it.
If I started tinkering it would become wordy and I intended the piece to be terse.
Brian |
Watto Wilty
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
Glad you enjoyed it.
See what I said above.
Thanks for your comments,
Brian. |
Hi TT
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 20th June 2007 |
Glad you enjoyed it.
Brian. |
Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 21st June 2007 |
Nice little piece, well written and a surprising end
Lizzy |
Hi Lizzie
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 21st June 2007 |
Thank you for your comments.
I must come back and a "proper" thank you to you and the others.
Brian |
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