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Shorts
Escape
By johniebg
17 June 2007
Sitting on the balcony reading Richard Dawkins latest tome when the good lady Priddeesh found the 45 minute forum here and started reading out some of the original topics. This little story just popped straight into my head when she mentioned prison break.

The writing (Priddeesh timed me) took 37 minutes and a quick edit including reading to the good lady took 13, so I went 5 minutes over ...

And then there was the 15 minute edit after I reread a few hours later, after the first two comments. So now it is hopefully clearer, mostly through punctuation. So upto 65 minutes.

I suppose, having been locked up here for so many years, I never imagined escape could come so easily.

These walls that have confined me are made of stone - large ancient blocks that were stacked one upon another by men hundreds of generations ago. Today the same stone serves the same purpose, just as they were designed all those centuries ago. A testament to their excellence in function. My only portal has been the space beyond these heavy iron bars, no gap big enough to thrust a whole arm, let alone ease my body. But I have imagined. This has been my world for so long now my life before is as some fleeting dream – a flickering spotlight of fading images upon the wall of my memory.

Who would have thought then, that escape would have been this simple. I leave the iron bars behind and walk steadily down the medieval corridor. The only indication that this is a more advanced place in time, are the glowing bulbs and the draped electric cable. At the end sits Rodriguez.

Looking down now on his sleeping form you would not think such a small, round man could cause so many other men so much pain. But I guess that is the privilege you gain from holding the keys, from carrying a weapon, from being surrounded by like minded men.

His rifle sits barrel up, leaning against the table. If I were to slap his pockmarked face now, he would have to stand up and take two paces before reaching his gun. Careless, but it has not been needed in a long time - for the purpose of repressing escapees that is, because nobody has tried.

I leave him to his dreams. Tomorrow he will know that in the end, I won.

On now past the bars that block the corridor and into the 'recreation area'. Those of us on the other side of the bars call it the 'pain chamber', I will not bore you with the stories, your imagination can no doubt fill-in the detail.
 
Now I am nearly to freedom. Laferne is sitting with his back to me, from the side I see his face bathed in the luminous colour of the screen he faces. His finger heavily presses keys and his left hand moves beside the keyboard. Images of bare skin slowly appear onto the screen and his tongue unconsciously caresses his lips.

Lafarne is probably the easiest of all the guards here, not necessarily a lover of pain, just of the young, so his attentions have not been my concern. It is he that will go to my cell in a few hours and find only my lifeless carcass, I will be gone.

Away now I go, unnoticed past the glowing screen and the tapping keys, out into the courtyard, now used to park tired, dusty cars. All around high walls contain this building and the convicted it houses. 

I might say that this escape was a little unexpected. I knew of course my pumping heart did not have many beats left in its viscous muscle, but having lived a godless life you can imagine my surprise.

They have labelled me an atheist for so many years. Before I came here they used this label as some explanation for the deeds I performed, but they were wrong. How could I possibly have thought anything different, all of this by the hand of a god? What I have done was not premeditated or deliberate, nor urged by some evil desire. Just born of circumstance ... and passion.

But I must allay your fears, do not worry. There is no stairway or great white light that draws me, no flapping wings or great inferno of fire that pulls me down. There was my physical body and now there is just, I presume, what was my mind. I do not know how I can see, but I can, but I cannot touch, just move. I step, step over step but there is no feeling of ground beneath my feet. And the world is warm.

I walk on now, through the gate. Just a few hundred yards away stand my family. They are waiting, have been now for so many years. My wonderful children and Marissa, more beautiful now she has not the worries of life. I hope they have forgiven me, I guess just being here, they must have at least started.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 17th June 2007
There are a lot of passages that make little or no sense.  
'All around high walls contain.' 
Contain what? 
 
Don't understand either of these passages: 
'Their use today as it was designed all those centuries ago testament to their excellence in function.' 
'...to reach the gun, for it has not been needed in a long time, that is for the purpose of repressing escapees, because nobody has.' 
 
Do not restrict yourself by time limits, take as much time as is needed to get it right. 
 
Best wishes 
Steve. 
Quite liked this.
Written by cheapthrill (30 comments posted) 17th June 2007
Don't really have a problem with: 
'All around high walls contain.'  
You can use a verb without an object, like "He ran.", if its a matter of style. 
 
I do agree with steve though, that some sentences were were cumbersome to read. 
 
'Their use today as it was designed all those centuries ago testament to their excellence in function.'  
 
I think its need more punctuation and if I apply my own to the sentence it almost feels like "Their use today..." and "their excellence in function" make one or the other clause redundant.  
 
Again, I also was confused by "How could I possibly have thought anything different a god?" 
 
But given the nature of the exercise it is understandable. 
 
Overall though I liked the style, it had a suitably ethereal ring to it. 
 

Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 17th June 2007
I take it that he murdered his entire family? - nice touch. 
This would have been much better if the twist of his death had been at the end.
Hi johnnybg
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 18th June 2007
Nice to see you back writing again. I enjoyed reading this, and got carried along wondering how he was getting out. Then when it was made clear that he was dead, I wondered how you were going to handle the life after death bit of it.  
 
I wonder if I would be so forgiving of somebody who murdered me and all my family.

Written by Phil (7000 comments posted) 18th June 2007
As you often do, you created a tone pretty quickly in this. This may sound daft, but it was almost as if the central character was totally in control of the narrative. It worked very well. 
 
Really enjoyed this, and Jean's right - it is good to see you back. 
 
I didn't really read this with an editor's critical eye, so I may have missed something. Everything made sense, there was no confusion. My only suggestion would be to replace the full stop (second para, at the end of sentence that ends: all those centuries ago) with a colon. 
 
Phil

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 18th June 2007
Nice to see that you took my advise about the parts that didn't read very well. 
 
Best wishes 
Steve.
I saw this so clearly
Written by no1butClo (341 comments posted) 19th June 2007
Perhaps still a little rushed, but alot clearer than it may have been before. 
 
I loved the little line "Just born of circumstance...and passion." 
 
nice one johnnie :)  
 
clo

Written by Janie (265 comments posted) 19th June 2007
i thought this a smooth read and very well written...lots of show, which i like and a happy ending..i was left wondering why he had to kill them though...reckon there's more mileage in this with a prequil. 
 
very impressive stuff to be produced so quickly too, it's really gleaming..great stuff!

Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 19th June 2007
Nice to see you posting johnnie. 
 
I thought this a very atmospheric piece - you always evoke place very well. I liked it a lot - especially the little bit of mystery :)  
 
Elli
Many thanks
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 19th June 2007
... for all these reviews. Very productive and helpful. As ever the first drsft was in places a little vague from my persistant desire to try and get the reader to reach a perception without telling them. Guess I am not quite there yet - gets me into all sorts of problems. I would probably redo the first para again if I was to have another bash, but then we start to defeat the nature of the excercise. 
 
In my mind he had killed his family to save them from a worse fate at the hands of very bad men .... (you can imagine the circumstances that may prelude that!) and then of course was jailed for his troubles. I just ran out of time in trying to get that extra detail into the story. 
 
v.enjoyable.

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 20th June 2007
Like others i was a lil confused too about the death of his family. Also no clues about how he died in the first place. Apart from one or two odd sentences, i liked the idea very much. Got to know that he is dead after quite some time, may b its just me. Nice touch Johnie.U have handled it well. 
 
Regards, 
TT

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