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Poetry
A fling / a fall
By ceramix
20 June 2007
This seemed like a good idea but now I'm not so sure. I love poetry but lack the 'ear' for it, so advice on rhythm and structure would be much appreciated. Doggerel, or doggerel with potential? Please comment. The title is not a choice, by the way, but both things.

You said I might've followed you
You said I might have followed you
Eyes downcast, chin thrust forward like
       a regretful provocation
You are beyond belief
The tea things on the table
Watch and wait
While I twirl a spoon and "Huh!" with stunned spite.
Funny, this is your pride and my fall.
I, follow you?
A playlet of unrequited love (you'd like to think)
You are both a seasoned performer and spellbound viewer
In either role you excel, in a hammy kind of way.
A chancer, a fan of the high jump and swift fall -
Really, fearful that I would follow you?
That I, a fool for you, would not understand goodbye?
We avoid each other's eyes and pay the bill.
A fool, and worst of all
A romantic, that's you.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 20th June 2007
I can't really get a handle on this. There are too many vague personal pronouns (not just at the beginning) to quite follow who is who here. 
 
Really liked this line: 
Funny, this is your pride and my fall. 
 
Phil

Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 20th June 2007
Nope, my mind's a blank. 
No change there then1 
Best wishes 
Steve.
aftermath
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 20th June 2007
of a one-night stand? it reads like a female response to a male regretfully admitting there's "no commitment" but obviously hoping there is still some on her part that he can brag about. Yes, I found resonances in it. I read-in some punctuation you'd left out (whether by decision or omission), and I didn't quite get "You are ... [a] spellbound viewer" but for me, it worked. It made me glad I'm not nineteen any more, too.  

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