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By maipenrai
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21 June 2007 |
Yes!
love was there
if only for a moment,
a smile across a crowded room
the catching of an eye,
a mind caress,
yes
love was there
or
was it simply lust.
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Written by JakeWilding (4 comments posted) 21st June 2007 | | good, short a simple. i must admit a like shorter poems...maybe because i have a short attention span..but your poem makes a good point i feel. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 21st June 2007 | I don't really understand this...You're asserting that love was there, whilst asserting that it wasn't? The result is that the piece doesn't seem to say much at all.
Sorry. |
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 22nd June 2007 | Jake, gutterkitty thank you both for your comments.
it is a simple piece, not that hard to understand. |
Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 22nd June 2007 | nice build up - then you punctured it with the last two lines; why? I would think of something to replace those with, that crowns the build up you achieved. Something like "I took away only the smile". It won't be a huge poem but it will make a coherent statement.
There's nothing to stop you building up another different poem towards the last lines you currently are using, of course. Could be an interesting exercise. |
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 23rd June 2007 | Thanks Fellpony for your review and suggestions.
Bernie |
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