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Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 22nd June 2007 |
Crikey, quite a chunk of text. In this case, a matter of long words taking precedence over substance. The layout of this does nothing to aid the reader either.
Others may see it differently.
About time you contributed to the reviewing process too. It's how the site works.
Phil |
Written by wltshr (314 comments posted) 22nd June 2007 |
Hi mindthegav
After reading this I thought it best to read your other submissions before commenting.
I've read them all now, and you've probably caught me on a less than generous day.
I assume that you're currently studying English at AS or A level. You can certainly impress by the number of long and possibly inappropriate words at your disposal.
If you have a message that you wish to share with your readers, I suggest that you decide what that message is and then, clearly and concisely, put that message across.
If this is the language you would normally use in conversation with your friends I would expect them either to be relatively few in number or tedious beyond belief.
This is not meant to be cruel but a bit of a wake up call. The points you make are valid but you are choosing to make them impenetrable to all but the terminally sad and I cannot see any reason why you would wish to do that.
I'm sorry. This just seems like pretension for the sake of it or total and absolute naivete.
Wltshr
PS By the way. If you're only 16 or 17 years old I'll probably have to kill myself now.
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thesauritis?
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 23rd June 2007 |
Your works read as though you typed something simple then hit Shift and F7 to see what the Thesaurus came up with. The overall effect is the same as those Nigerian scam emails we all know and ignore.
A wide vocabulary is fine, but some restraint would be better, and as Wltshr says, a focus on the message would make it all the more telling. At the moment, the words obscure rather than reveal.
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Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 23rd June 2007 |
sorry but this is a statement not a poem.
simple, use simple uncomplicated words, simple is good. |
Great googley moogley!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 23rd June 2007 |
I know what this is!
Its the instruction booklet for a Kenwood Chef Food Mixer, put through dodgy, online translation software. Not sure of the languages and order, but perhaps:
English - Crimean Tatar - Burgenland Croation - Cantonese - Swahili - Gallurese Sardinian - English?
Oli |
Donna Fargo, "Funny Face"?
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 23rd June 2007 |
And when I hurt your feelings as I sometimes do
And I say those mean things that we know are not true
"On occasion we fail in our pursuit for what we deem as genuine and sincere, or is it purely our subliminal consciousness illuminating what we depict as hollow and of no value."
All right, I'm turning it into a game. But, (A) it's way overwritten, and (B) if this is really someone else's lyrics run through a mincer, it isn't very creative. |
I now think...
Written by strawberryshrapnel (61 comments posted) 23rd June 2007 |
that these reviews have gone totally over the top, yes, this work was placed here for review, but turn it down a notch and don't insult just for the sake of it.
Also, this submitter, is a fairly recent member, I know, from personal experience, that it takes a while to get up the courage to review the work here, and it could be construed by an outsider, as a tightly knit group.
I know this, because I have not been submitting work for very long myself, and I am occasionally in the dark with some of the references, that is all well and good, I should educate myself.
I think that it is only fair to try to be objective, offer constructive criticism and treat people with respect and honesty, whilst possibly considering their feelings.
Live long and prosper!
SS |
'I AM' the poets
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
"don't insult just for the sake of it"
"could be construed by an outsider, as a tightly knit group". NO! Really!! You surprise me.
"treat people with respect and honesty, whilst possibly considering their feelings."
I agree totally with Strawbs comments.
One of the above ‘reviewers’ has only recently got into the habit of posting reviews outside of the little elitist community that exists, and all of those reviews have so far been negative. There must be the odd poem now and again that your superior minds feels warrants a good word?!
Ah, yes, there are of course the odd ocassions when words of praise are PM'ed, so that the rest of GW won't see your soft, caring side.
Some help or a positive review wouldn’t go amiss, and might even show us some humility.
However, perhaps the game played here is monopoly, by trying to scare off those who dare invade the poetry forum.
One of the other above reviewers appears to be playing either ‘kick the man when he’s down’ or ‘jump on the band wagon.’
MINDTHEGAV, mindyoukeepupthegoodwork.
Post as much as you want and accept the critique that you believe is justified and delivered in the true spirit of community, as opposed to fascism.
Best wishes
Steve. |
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
agreed, this should STOP now.
keep posting MINDTHEGAV, KEEP POSTING.
Bernie |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
| I despair. Address the poem or move this to the community forum. And - if their are accusations of fascism, elitism etc to be made - don't insinuate, name names. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
| Sp: there - sorry |
I despair too..
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
...but for different reasons.
Written in English because I don’t do Gallurese Sardinian or Bullshit.
I see no reason why a discussion that began against a piece of work should now be moved behind closed doors. At least by keeping it out in the open the author of this work will be made aware that there are some people on this site who stand up to pomposity.
Most of the above reviews have little or nothing to do with the poem, and zero of the reviews offer any help or advise, apart from maybe we all need to learn a few extra languages!
There is no need to name people individually, as with this being a writers site I would assume that most of the GW contributors can read, and will be able to make their own minds up.
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Ignite the Flavours of your Playful Make
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
I am not sure that this should have been submitted as poetry, but then I'm no expert. When I firtst read it I thought it was your introduction to a work. I was surprised to find that it was the work. It may in fact be a brilliant piece of work, but I just don't understand it. Sorry.
Cliff |
Apology
Written by wltshr (314 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
Like many, once I've written a review, I normally return to the piece to gauge the author's response.
I cannot say how shocked I was when I returned to this one.
It is seldom that I re-read the review that I gave.
Having done so I sincerely apologise to mindthegav.
I now see that my review was personal and rude.
If I can repair any damage I would like to try by by now giving the review I should have given.
Dear mindthegav
The message you attempt to put across in your work is both valid and resonant. In my opinion, as someone who cannot write poetry and whose opinion may be discarded easily, your message is obscured by the language that you use rather than being enhanced by it.
If you have a message that you wish to share with your readers, the more clearly and concisely you can phrase that message, the more impact it will have on it's readers and you will affect a greater audience.
Keep writing, but try different styles. It's good fun.
As I cannot retract, edit, or delete my previous review I can only apologise for it.
Best wishes
Wltshr
PS I'm a nice guy, really.
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No excuses ... but
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 24th June 2007 |
"All right, I'm turning it into a game" was an unfortunate turn of phrase, inexcusably opaque in a writers' forum - what I was thinking there was, did you write this as a kind of exercise and post it to see if anyone would spot that it was a "software translation"? It's not unknown for writers to post unusual formats like acrostics, un-announced, after all.
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Its time to stop
Written by mindthegav (1 comments posted) 25th June 2007 |
The following was also posted in the forum.
This is Mindthegav
I just feel as though i should post a short reply to all the going-ons of the past few days.
First of all i accept the couple of apologies that i have received but i stand by my decision to not return to this site as my short time here has been nothing but unpleasant.
First of all it is my decision whether or not i believe my work to be peotry or not.
Secondly when it comes to my work i dont expect everyone to understand every line i write. I dont wish to express myself in a manner that is straight forward, simple or uncomplicated. Why must we all expect to comprehend every word or phrase that we come accross. Did many not poo poo Shakespeare's use of language?
Thirdly it was this quote that i was most offended by 'If this is the language you would normally use in conversation with your friends I would expect them either to be relatively few in number or tedious beyond belief.' This was not a review of my work, this was personal and utterly inappropriate. Of course i dont use this language with my (many)friends...im simply writing and choosing to do so in a particualar manner. Where are the rules regarding how 'peotry' is to be written? And i also take offence to the allegation that my use of wording is straight from the use of the shift F7 key or from some online translation software program. These words are my own, and they mean somthing to me, and thats enough (oh and thats not from a song eiter...im not big on plagiarism).
Before i leave this alone i want you all to know that i was and am more than happy to receive positive criticism, but i didnt get any of that at all initially, all i got was a bunch of nasty, schoolyard antics of verbal bullying. But i will leave here accepting the critique's that I believe were justified and used in the appropriate manner.
I need to end this here and i would also like everyone else to do the same.
Take care,
mindthegavnullnull |
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