HI I'm Prodigy.
I started writing comics and books when i was 10.
Now I'm almost 12 and i have written many sci - fi and action - fantasy novels.
I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS PIECE OF WORK!!!!
DARK WORLD
Jack Trot , the 13 year old boy from Rainbow International high school , walked
towards his best friend Rahul , a boy from India.
"Wassup?" , Rahul asked with potato chips stuffed in his mouth.
"Nothing . I'm feeling kinda' sick today."
They both walked to school.When they reached the school gate, they saw their
class teacher standing angrily with her arms folded.
"You're late." , she scolded.
"oh no"
Rahul and Jack were kneeling on the school ground outside.
Rahul muttered , "thanks a lot Jack."
And thats when Jack WAS TAKEN TO THE OTHER WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Suddenly ,everything blacked out.
"RRRROOOAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!! " a sound filled Jack's ears.
and then he realized that he was standing - on a pyramid.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" |
Welcome.
Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 25th June 2007 | Welcome to Sci-fi, Prodigy, it’s nice to see some new (and young) blood gracing our pages.
I hope that you will have many pleasant writing experiences in the years ahead.
I note that you are a fan of comic books, and the style of writing that you employ would certainly confirm this as your story is very much delivered in a story board format, a series of snapshots, like a picture board or a page from a comic!
SNAP
Jack Trot , the 13 year old boy from Rainbow International high school , walked
towards his best friend Rahul , a boy from India.
"Wassup?" , Rahul asked with potato chips stuffed in his mouth.
"Nothing . I'm feeling kinda' sick today."
SNAP
They both walked to school.
SNAP
When they reached the school gate, they saw their
class teacher standing angrily with her arms folded.
"You're late." , she scolded.
"oh no"
SNAP
Rahul and Jack were kneeling on the school ground outside.
Rahul muttered , "thanks a lot Jack."
SNAP
And thats when Jack WAS TAKEN TO THE OTHER WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME.
SNAP
Suddenly ,everything blacked out.
"RRRROOOAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!! " a sound filled Jack's ears.
SNAP
and then he realized that he was standing - on a pyramid.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Without any pictures to accompany your story, the reader is left wondering as to;
Rahul is Indian, what nationality is Jack?
What did the boys do during their journey do school, how far was it? Etc.
Why were the boys suddenly on their knees, why did Jack get the blame for them arriving to school late?
Where were Rahul and the teacher when Jack disappeared, and what did they think when he did, were they shocked??? I expect that they would be!!
Take your snapshots and add some extra background information to make the story clearer for the reader. Remember, in your own mind you know the story and can fill in the blank spaces, unfortunately we as readers do not have that insight. Or, if you are trying to save information and reveal it in stages, then remove the information from the initial part of the story that makes the reader ask questions. For instance, if you are not going to reveal Jack’s nationality, then don’t mention Rahul’s. After all, unless Rahul is to play a roll in Jack’s otherworld adventure we don’t really need to know that much about him.
Jack, met his friend Rahul on the street corner.
"Wassup?" asked Rahul, stuffing potato chips into his mouth.
"Nothin’ much, I'm just feelin’ kinda' sick, is all."
Jack and Rahul were both thirteen years-old and attended Rainbow International high school. As usual the boys were late and so they set off at a brisk pace.
(Unless there is any story behind their walk to school, you don’t need to mention it.)
When they arrived at school their teacher was standing at the gate with her arms folded.
"You're late." she scolded.
Jack and Rahul sank to their knees in despair.
“Thanks a lot, Jack,” muttered Rahul, “if I hadn’t waited for you I would have been on time.”
Etc.
Hope this will help you a little.
Best wishes
Steve. | Toooo short
Written by John_O (138 comments posted) 25th June 2007 | Hi P
I have to go with Steve on this, there is too little descriptive narrative for a purely written story.
But writing is an adventure and you clearly enjoy writing so I offer a few constructive comments.
When the sound erupts you could compare it to something rather than put in the RRROOAARR thing. Thus -' everything blacked out and a roar like a tube train hit him, pounding his ears, filling his head, knocking the breath out of him.' Now we have a sense of the transition Jack is encountering.
Similarly when he finds himself on the apex of the pyramid - 'He wobbled alarmingly as his head cleared but his feet refused to cooperate; that's when he realised....'
Its all about painting the picture in the readers head or giving them enough so that they can imagine the bits you don't describe. There's no right or wrong amount of description, just more or less.
By the way have you heard of Drabbles? They are also known as micro fiction, pieces just 100 words long, no more no less. You might enjoy writing such Drabbles as they are very 'lean' writing.
So keep writing, and as Steve says WELCOME.
John_O |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 25th June 2007 | As Steve remarks above, it does indeed look a bit like a page from a comic. Which is fine if you're going to illustrate it.
But if you're not going to make a comic out of this one, more descriptions might be handy, and the sound effects could be left out.
You have a nice plot here, so all you have to do now is to give it some extra flavour, either with more words, or with pictures. |
Written by prodigy (22 comments posted) 29th June 2007 | I was feeling bored to write that day
and I am sorry i messed up
 |
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