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Poetry
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Twin Soul
By audrie
24 June 2007

I knew one day I'd meet you.
So many years I kept the faith alive
to seek again the echo of remembered times, in other lives.
Selecting and rejecting through chemistries and mental planes,
some closed, but some reflecting like the sunshine on so many window panes.
None of these remain.

I knew one day I'd find you.
Knew our eyes would meet and grow intent
with recognition of condition. Twin rhyming of the psyche's mood
which flamed and died and flared anew. You filled my dark
and empty void with diamond stars and silver moon, and laid to rest my solitude.
I shall not want again.

I knew one day I'd love you.
Entwined again with ecstacy of touch
and tenderness too much to bear in sight and sound and feel of you.
Part of all the scheme of things, so right, so good, we seemed set fair
until the day you said farewell, went out and softly closed the door.
And all that's left is pain.



I have been writing poetry for years now, but have never had the nerve to even try to get them published, so am hoping for some constructive criticism.

I also write short stories and song lyrics, but you know Philip Larkin's 'Love Songs in Age' - well, that is me and my 'songs' - hidden away in a drawer for years.


Audrie

Reviews

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th June 2007
There's lots to like in this. I like its three verse narrative, reflects fairy tale structure - except this doesn't end 'happily ever after.' 
 
It has a steady pulse that draws the reader through. 
 
I think stanza 2 was my favourite part. 
 
The following crit is purely a personal reaction - so feel free to disregard. Although this is a personal piece, I found it hard to connect to emotionally. I wonder if this is because you dealt more in generalities than specifics. 
 
Welcome to GW. 
 
Phil.

Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 24th June 2007
I liked the structure of the opening line of each verse having an echo of the other.  
 
I would have liked a fourth verse - containing and expanding the latter thoughts of verse three, while verse three gave a few more hints of something specific. I felt it could give us a clearer picture of the reason why the loved one left - or of the lover's misunderstanding of the situation, which allowed the leaving to be something unexpected. 
 
You have used some subtle elements of rhyming - nothing too obvious! and the lines have a nice rhythm as well as containing some unusual images.  
 
(PS - I think you posted the poem in the Author's comments box and the comments in the My Creative Work box. Not that it matters a lot.) 
 
Overall a good piece, and I hope others will also have some helpful remarks to make.
Twin Soul
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 24th June 2007
Hello Audrie and welcome to the GW Site.  
I like this poem, it describes a lost love in simple terms. Not too fussy, and quite a surprise ending as I thought it was going to end happily (romantic that I am). 
I agree with Sue about the first line of each stanza, a nice touch. Looking forward to reading more of your work and hearing what you think of others work via the reviews. 
Cliff

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th June 2007
I like this a lot audrie. Not sure if I can add much to what the others have said- I agree with them, the rhythm is nice, the rhyme subtle, the language is descriptive but not over the top. All in all it's a pleasure to read. I also agree that specifics would increase the piece's emotional resonance: you don't necessarily need to change this piece, because it's great as it is, but perhaps something to remember for future poems.  
By the way I'm generally not a soppy person and the idea of twin souls would usually make me gag, so the fact that I like this poem is credit to your skills! :)

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