HI I'M PRODIGY
THIS IS MY LATEST IDEA!
AN ACTION THRILLER FOR KIDS
I HOPE U LIKE IT!
DARK WORLD
Jack Trot , the 13 year old boy from Rainbow International high school , walked
towards his best friend Rahul , a boy from India.
"Wassup?" , Rahul asked with potato chips stuffed in his mouth.
"Nothing . I'm feeling kinda' sick today."
They both walked to school.When they reached the school gate, they saw their
class teacher standing angrily with her arms folded.
"You're late." , she scolded.
"oh no"
Rahul and Jack were kneeling on the school ground outside.
Rahul muttered , "thanks a lot Jack."
And thats when Jack WAS TAKEN TO THE OTHER WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Suddenly ,everything blacked out.
"RRRROOOAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!! " a sound filled Jack's ears.
and then he realized that he was standing - on a pyramid.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
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REVIEWS
Written by prodigy (23 comments posted) 25th June 2007 |
PLZ GUYS I NEED YOUR REVIEWS
I KNOW THIS CHAPTER WAS SHORT , THE NEXT ONE WILL BE LONGER
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Written by Phil (6999 comments posted) 25th June 2007 |
Hi Prodigy.
How did you slip through the net? I think you're supposed to be thirteen to use the site. No matter.
Forgive me if I am wrong, but I'm assuming English is not your first language. That being the case, this is quite an achievement for a twelve year old.
There are problems, but these are things you can work on. You pointed out this was a little short, I'd say it lacks detail. Try to show the reader instead of tell. For example, instead of telling us the teacher is angry, show us. Something like:
Teacher stood waiting by the gate. Arms folded and a vicious frown on her face, we knew we were in trouble. This wasn't the first time we'd been late.
Hpe this helps.
Phil.
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THANKS , PHIL
Written by prodigy (23 comments posted) 26th June 2007 |
never mind how i got i in
i am just 11
thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely work on my
writing.
Yes , english is not my first language.
The next chapter will be longer (i hope) !
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Hello Prodigy
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 26th June 2007 |
| Welcome to GW. I am glad that we have a young person of your age on this website as we,who write for children, would love to have our work reviewed by our target audience too. I agree with Phil. You have a brilliant idea, but, of course, as you know, your chapters need to be longer. Your story seems fragmented. For example, why were the children kneeling on the ground at the school? If the teacher was angry with them for being late, surely their main concern wes to get into their classroom in time for the start of their lesson? The other thing is this. Children are learning to read English, and spelling is important to them. I may be wrong, but I think that if you wanted, at any time, to have your work published, you would have to write words correctly in the English language, capitalizing words correctly, putting in your apostrophes,(most OK, but "thats" needs one) and, above all, spelling words correctly. eg "Wassup" and "kinda". Perhaps nowadays you've seen it done this way in children's books, but for me it is a little off-putting. I think you have an excellent idea in your first chapter and I look forward to the next one. |
Written by prodigy (23 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
Thanks Josie.
By the way , the children were PUNISHED outside.
I have worked on the spellings in the next chapter which is also short but slightly more detailed.
I am looking forward to review your work.
- prodigy
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