Just a flashback to my favorite time period and one of my favorite movies. Notre Dame, your bells still ring sweetly in my ear...
Within the stone of the glorious church
Within the facades of the glorious church
High up in the rafters of great oak
It hangs high up in the rafters of great oak
From rings and baubles it was crafted
They were melted down and it was crafted
But just one wouldn't do
In Notre Dame, one wouldn't do
They made more, high and low
They hang from the rafters, high and low
They sing soft and sweetly
And menacingly, sad and deeply
They glitter and shine so greatly
They make their statement so greatly
Hanging still in the rafters
Until they're stirred, in the rafters
They sing the time, the time of day
They sing the event, the event of the day
But when time passes, and they gather dust
When time takes away their lust
When gold gathers in little piles
When gold is blown away as piles
When time shows no mercy
They sit still for times mercy
But the glorious sounds of their time
The glorious days of their time
Can never be sung again
They shall never ring again
Now old and fragile they cannot sing
Now worn and thin they cannot sing
But they shall still remember
Always, forever remember
The glorious days when they would sing
The bells of Notre Dame
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Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 26th June 2007 |
After recent hysterics, I'd better word this one with care.
You've chosen a promising subject and had some good ideas. I'm afraid your unconventional method of rhyming like with like (exactly) doesn't work at all - for me.
If you're struggling with rhyme, it might be worth trying to write this blank and concentrate solely on your ideas - develop them and see what comes out.
Of course, I may be well off the mark, but in this case, I doubt it.
Phil. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 26th June 2007 |
Although I feel that the pacing of the lines could do with a bit of work, I liked the repetitiveness of the rhyme.
With the poem being about a cathedral it put me in mind of a congregation repeating the words of the Bishop.
Best wishes
Steve.
PS. Should bobbles be baubles? |
Written by fellpony (1574 comments posted) 26th June 2007 |
I too liked the repeated rhyme, once I'd read the poem a couple of times. Although unusual, it gave some solemnity and the repetition reminded me of the tolling of a bell so - once I'd listened to it a while - it worked for me. I hadn't thought of it as the congregation repeating intoned phrases, but that would work too.
I did get a bit giggly at these two lines:
When gold gathers in little piles
When gold is blown away as piles
But perhaps I am being influenced by the drunken mice and their bodily functions. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
If only one could blow away piles, it would make life so much easier for the afflicted.
Best wishes as always, and keep up the good work Mr.Wolffe.
Huff and puff and we'll blow the house down!! |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
| Very interesting... Repeating the phrases looked a bit weird at first, but it worked very well, and didn't interrupt the flow. I had expected it not to work, but it did. |
The repeated phrases do sound like bells
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
and I absolutely love the idea, mite need a bit of ironing out here and there.
I got the impression from this that you could actually turn it into a realy interesting piece of performance art, involving two people saying the lines alternately, one saying the first and the other saying the 'echo' which is really the second line of the actual poem.
I think you can develop this in so many ways - writing it blank would be a good plan, and then maybe put the echoes in again so as to concentrate moreon the rhyme if you want to.
well done
clo x |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
Hey, just goes to show. Glad others saw this differently TW. Humble pie for tea!
Phil. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
Hey, Phil.
Art is the eye of the beholder, I don't do piles of bricks as art, but some do!! |
I am Suprised!
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
I wasn't quite expecting so much...yeah. Well, I can do poetry if I just so happen to have a working light-bulb. I write songs all the time on my computer, and maybe, just maybe, I might become a rock-star. I could post a few, but I would have to see if anyone else wants to take a looky. Thanks for ALL the comments, guys (and girls?)!
-TurboWolffe
(P.S. Is it me, or has GW put a SPELLCHECK thing on here, because every time I do a word wrong, it underlines in red.) |
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
OH! Steve, that would be Miss Wolffe.   |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
Woh dude! Sheep in wolffes clothing!!
Just goes to show how you can get the wrong image from handle.
Pleased to meet you Miss Wolffe, and rock-on dudette!!
Best Wishes
Steve. |
Interesting experiment .......
Written by Bagheera (680 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
I too thought of the bells "wchoing" and also of the antiphonal responses from a congregation - but as phil said, it didn't "quite" work for me as well as I thought it was going to, and I'm not really sure why 
I liked the overall effect, and maybe re-casting this in 'blank' verse might be one way to "tighten up" on the message? |
Written by wannabeawriter (8 comments posted) 9th September 2007 |
Liked it!
I also liked the visuals I took in while reading The Singing Bones
But......
I am afraid I must agree (to a small degree) with some of the others.....you need to maybe write the poem and then set it aside for a week or two- allow it to ferment.
THEN go back to it and see what you can do to polish it up. You have very good IDEAS that start to form great mental VISUALS and especially FEELINGS but then, you go too far in places.
You are still young and with more practice - the better your work will be.
Some of your lines and ideas remind me a bit of the great singing/writing teaming of (Now dont let your ego run away here I am just using this as an example) Elton John and Bernie Taupin.
You still have much to learn but the potential for more quality is certainly there.
But again- that will come with time.
Allow for it.
You will make mistakes but if you learn from them it will absolutely show in your poetry.
And I tried the Silver Moon but its just not my cup of tea, sorry. I enjoyed the poetry much more though, if that helps.
|
Oh wow...
Written by Dark_Angel (53 comments posted) 11th September 2007 |
I really liked this. Dunno what to say about it really, but I really liked it. Lol.
The repeating the last word(s) thing in lines totally hit with me. Dunno why, cause usually stuff like that drives me insane, but I thought this was well written and well thought out.
Love it =]
~~Dark_Angel~~ |
It's Been a While!
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 29th December 2007 |
i'm STILL getting reviews?! Crud, that's awesome. I love you guys. hello to all of you, steve, dark, wannabe, and all the rest.
-TW |
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