WELL , I HOPE THIS CHAPTER IS BETTER THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE.
THANKS A LOT , PHIL.
(SORRY EVEN THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT)
DARK WORLD (chapter 2 )
Right now , Jack Trot might be the most confused person on earth.
He is standing on the top of a pyramid in the night and wondering whether he has gone mad.
He turned back and found two hideous creatures approaching.
Strangely , they seemed familiar . . . . .
He ran as fast as he could. Down the mountain.
Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!
He was running way too fast for an average 13 year old!!!
One of the monsters caught up and scratched him .
Ouch!
He jumped up and punched the creature , who , fell off the pyramid.
The next monster spat balls of fire!
Jack dodged once, Twice,
And . . BOOM!!
Jack surely didn’t know what was going on , but he had just fallen hard on his back and he was tired.
He kicked the monster who then dodged and PUNCHED!!!
Jack kicked again and sent the monster flying.
Whew!
And that was when he saw the old man who said , “I can tell you what’s going on here.”
,but before he could say anymore , he was smacked by a GIANT DRAGON.
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Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 27th June 2007 |
I'm in awe of your grasp of English.
Be careful with your use of tense. You start in the present tense (the here and now) and then cut to the past tense (what has already happened) this jars a little.
I think the best thing you could do to improve the quality is to include more detail. You race from one event to another without really developing your ideas.
Keep going P.
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 28th June 2007 |
Like Phil, I'm also in awe of your English, and also the fact that you are brave enough to post here -- my kids won't!
Once again, I agree with Phil that you need more detail. I want to know how Jack punched the monster, and for that matter, exactly what the monster looks like. Is it big? Smelly? Hairy? Really, seriously ugly? Does it have more than two eyes? What sort of claws do they have, since you mentioned Jack getting scratched? And so on.
Once you've put in some more details, you won't need so many exclamation marks: your words will speak for themselves. |
Written by prodigy (22 comments posted) 29th June 2007 |
Hey - thanks guys!
Actually I am an Indian boy who loves writing!
Witzl I will definitely use your advice from now on.
THANKS! |
To Prodigy
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 30th June 2007 |
| Your sentences are too short. You only need to use short, sharp sentences when you need to make an impact on the reader. If you do it too often, it loses its force. Try to fill out your sentences in an interesting way. You are doing really well. (Note: there is not a space before a comma - only after it. And two spaces after a full stop to show it is the end of a sentence and has more of a psuse than a comma). Hope this helps. |
Written by Ravenson (7 comments posted) 9th August 2007 |
| Hey P. I was just looking through some of your other work after reading your Dead Vengeance Prologue. I notice you say you're 11 and not even English. Well I'm about to become an English teacher here in the UK. Many of my pupils will be around your age and I'd be delighted if even half of them had the same command over and enthusiam for the English language as you. You aren't going to be a great writer at 11 because aswith anything worth doing, real quality only emerges with practice but give it two or three years and with guidance from others here at GW you'll be a brilliant writer, I'm sure of it. I didn't really start writing til I was around nineteen years old and now struggle to find the time with work and kids and everything else that comes from adulthood. You've got a big head start on alot of people. Make it work for you, learn from others experience and most importantly keep writing. Good luck to you. |
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