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Poetry
Nerve ( Warning, violent content and swear words)
By maipenrai
28 June 2007
Friday night at the Local

he had a nerve yer know,
calling me seven bellies
right to my face,
lift up yer chin he said
and the other four he said.

so i thought to me self
fuck you
you lanky streak of piss,
then i hit him with the cue ball
and danced upon his head.

now thats what i call nerve yer know
yeah, thats what i call nerve
when i hit him with the cue ball
and danced upon his head
cause
all his nerves
well they are fucking dead.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6688 comments posted) 28th June 2007
Just reviewed your previous poem and said I thought it was your best effort yet. This, although very different, was even better. 
 
I normally moan about lack of punctuation, but for once, I agree that this is better without. I guess this won't suit everyone, in content or style. You gave fair warning over content, no problem there. Style - again, you've taken one event that describes a wider malaise/sickness. It's not just a simple narrative. 
 
For me: sharp, black and modern. Superb. 
 
Phil 
 
Last line: there - they're or they were - I think.

Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 28th June 2007
Gosh Bernie. Two clever ones in one day and both right out of your usual style.  
 
I disagree with Phil - I think "are" suggests the seven-bellies man has killed the bloke who offended him. I could hear Ray Winstone's voice saying this. There was a rough rhythm to it and although the language was unpleasant, so is the character saying the words. A good fit, even though not a nice subject! 
 

Written by Phil (6688 comments posted) 28th June 2007
Now you've changed the last line, it is better. 

Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 29th June 2007
Phil, Fellpony, thank you both for your comments. 
Bernie

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