Another, ballad-like poen to go along w/ Notre Dame and the Gargoyles. Hope ya like it! :)
Deep in the cave, where it waits
In the dark, smoky cave, where it waits
It lays upon a treasure so great
And smoke curls on top of the treasure so great
Its black hide taut and tough
Muscles underneath, taut and tough
Great nails, hard as stone
Spikes on its tail, hard as stone
Its stomach goes up and down
It inflates, up and down
It is hidden among the spiked stones
It lives among the spikes of stone
Folded skin across its back
Great bones and skin across its back
Its eye, it opens, large and golden
Staring at me, large and golden
Black slit like a knife, thin and wary
An empty black slit, thin and wary
It moves atop the pile of wonders
heaving and rolling on the pile of wonders
Its mouth curls over great tapered silver
Lips snarling and growling over great tapered silver
Smoke pours out in great thunder clouds
Fire like lightning in great thunder clouds
The dark is lost amongst the light and heat
It rages and roars amongst the fire and heat
Great fire spills from its mouth
Poisonous fire spills from its mouth
Tapered silvers lunging for flesh
Great red tounge longing for flesh
Folded skin spread wide and angry
Stony claws spread wide and angry
Raging anger in its eyes
It has red raging anger in its eyes
Very touchy for its pile of greatness
Don't ever move the pile of greatness
The great black dragon has awaken
And soon your time shall be taken.
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Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 28th June 2007 |
Should awaken be awoke/awakened?
Or - the great black dragon will awaken.
Liked this, and I do see the way this works now. I do prefer the couplets where there is a little difference in the lines. eg/
Tapered silvers lunging for flesh
Great red tounge longing for flesh
Interesting piece.
Phil. |
Hi TW
Written by fellpony (1575 comments posted) 29th June 2007 |
You've got too many "piles" in here again TW! Not that I can talk, because I sometimes put two of my own poems together and find I've used favourite words in both. (It hasn't helped your cause that Phil's OCDog is listed right next to your dragon, ROFL).
I thought your repeated-word rhyme worked less well here, perhaps because there was no sound to link it to as an idea; unlike the bells of Notre Dame, I don't have any idea what a dragon sounds like 
You've also got rather a lot of spelling errors: tresure, rors, tounge; the last word, awaken, as Phil says, is grammatically jarring; and I have an inbuilt dislike of the use of "so" in poetry (so great) which tends to be a giveaway for lack of a suitable syllable to make the metre work. (Remember this is not to do with your skill but how you have used it in this poem; so please don't be too offended.)
Given the active nature of your mythical beast, you might well extend this one to include its activities - turn it into a narrative of some sort. You know your dragon well; how would it combine with people or institutions that you also know? |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 29th June 2007 |
Hi, Miss Wolffe.
I still like the ‘chanting’ quality of your work, and as long as you keep within the confines of fantasy there is no reason for you to stop working in this form.
Perhaps you could look for a group of friendly monks who want to break into the music industry and do a gothic horror Gregorian chant CD!!
I still feel that you need to work on the pacing of the lines, and as has already been mentioned, the lines where there is variation in the repetition work much better.
E.G. (as Phil mentioned) Tapered silvers lunging for flesh - Great red tongue longing for flesh.
This method could be used to much greater effect throughout the piece.
‘Smoke pours out in great thunder clouds - Fire like lightning in great thunder clouds’ is half way there. Perhaps something along the lines of;
Smoke billows out like thunderous clouds
And lightning fire strikes out from the clouds
You start with a rhyming pattern; Waits - great, which then stops. I feel that it would be nice to at least get some of the passages to rhyme (aside from the repetitive ones).
You also end with stone(s) twice, so you could drop one set of stones and create a rhyme instead. E.G.
In a dark and smoky cave it waits
Deep in a cold, dark cave it waits
It lies curled ‘round a treasure so great
Its smoke envelopes a treasure so great
Its black scaled hide shines taut and tough
The muscles underneath are taut and tough
Its crest like nails are barbed and rough
The spikes on its tail are hard and rough
Can’t help thinking that ‘spiked’ is the wrong word here: It lives among the spiked of stone.
Perhaps something more naturally subterranean would work better:
Its cavern is a forest of stalagmites
Where the roof is a field of stalactites
This part is physically inaccurate: Its stomach goes up and down - It inflates, up and down.
It can only inflate up.
Typo(s) Tongue - Treasure - Awoken - Etc
Finally, having repeated the final word all the way through the piece, you end with a single line: The great black dragon has awaken.
It’s crying out for a last rhyme.
The bones of adventurers, shattered and broken
Scattered in the lair of a nightmare woken.
Best wishes, keep up the good work.
Steve.
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