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DARKWORLDPART002
By prodigy
29 June 2007

 HEY THIS IS THE 2ND CHAPTER TO DARK WORLD!


 

DARK WORLD (chapter 2 )

 

Right now , Jack Trot might be the most confused person on earth.

He is standing on the top of a pyramid in the night and wondering whether he has gone mad.

He turned back and found two hideous creatures approaching.

Strangely , they seemed familiar . . . . .

He ran as fast as he could. Down the mountain.

Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!

He was running way too fast for an average 13 year old!!!

One of the monsters caught up and scratched him .

Ouch!

He jumped up and punched the creature , who , fell off the pyramid.

The next monster spat balls of fire!

Jack dodged once, Twice,

And . . BOOM!!

Jack surely didn’t know what was going on , but he had just fallen hard on his back and he was tired.

He kicked the monster who then dodged and PUNCHED!!!

Jack kicked again and sent the monster flying.

Whew!

And that was when he saw the old man who said , “I can tell you what’s going on here.”

,but before he could say anymore , he was smacked by a GIANT DRAGON.

 

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 29th June 2007
I do love this style of writing, straight to the meat, no messing about with padding and unnecessarily long words like pontificating (Go get your dictionary!!) which, by the way, is not what I’m going to do, I'm going to try and help you. 
This actually made me laugh ‘He was smacked by a GIANT DRAGON’ because it just came straight out of the blue. 
I am certain that you have a career in writing stories for younger readers. 
You do need to look at your tense though.  
 
‘Right now, Jack Trot might be the most confused person on earth. He is standing on the top of a pyramid in the night and wondering whether he has gone mad. He turned back and found two hideous creatures approaching. Strangely, they seemed familiar.’ 
 
You start with ‘Right now’ which is very much present tense, because it is 'right now'. We are okay with standing and wondering, but then you switch to past tense: Turned - Found Etc. 
 
TENSE CHANGE.  
 
Right now, Jack Trot is the most confused young man on earth, because he is standing on the top of a pyramid in the middle of the night, wondering whether he is going mad.  
He turns around to find two hideous creatures approaching, strangely they seem familiar!!  
He runs as fast as he can down the mountain (should that be pyramid??).  
“Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!”  
He runs way too fast, too fast for an average 13 year old, but one of the monsters still catches up and scratches him.  
“Ouch!”  
He jumps up and punches the creature which falls off the pyramid.  
The other monster spits balls of fire, but Jack dodges them. Once, Twice, and…BOOM!!  
Jack has no idea what’s going on. He falls hard on his back, he’s tired. 
(Note - He has to get up again before he can do this next bit) 
He kicks the monster, who dodges and PUNCHES!!!  
Jack kicks out again and sends the monster flying.  
 
See what I mean? If you keep it all as present tense it builds the pace and the tension much better. 
 
Best wishes 
Steve 
 
Oh, and by the way, you are not “messing up”, you are learning a very difficult art form, and maybe not even in your mother tongue!! 
 
P.S. You look a lot like my nephew, Sheraz. Did you enjoy Singapore??  

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