Mary, my friend, told me she was pregnant.  She already had two little boys, so she was hoping for a girl.  On top of my own children, I minded her two boys whilst she went to work at weekends in a café.  I was shattered by the end of the day, but I knew she would do it for me if I needed her to.  I’d just sorted the kids out with their teas, including Mary’s.  They were all sat in the back garden on a blanket.  I’d made sandwiches, biscuits, cake, crisps and pop.  They loved it.
Mary came in.  “Hiya,” I said, getting up off the kitchen chair to make a brew for us.  There was no reply.  I looked round and Mary was sat at the table with her head down, crying into her hands.  “Hey, what’s up love?”  I put my arms round her.  “Have you got pains?” I asked.  She was getting near now and carrying very low.
“Oh Janice, I’ve just found out that my Gary is screwing that slag near me,” she shouted.
“Who?  Who do you mean?”
“That Brenda Scott.”  She looked so hurt and angry.  I started making the brew; we both needed one.
Mary’s lads came running in.  “Mum, we’re having a party.  We’re not going home yet, are we?  What’s up?” one of them asked.
“She’s fell over and hurt her leg,” I said quickly.  “Right you two, outside or your mum will take you home - and don’t come in ‘til I shout you.”
     “Thanks, Janice,” Mary said, taking a sip of her tea.  Her hands were shaking.  “You know what hurts the most?” she sobbed.  “How can I compete, looking like this?  He’s told me he’ll stay ‘til I have the baby and then he’s going to live with that slag.”  The tears were streaming down her face.
 “How long has it been going on?” I asked.
“God knows.  For months, apparently.  I knew there was something wrong, but he kept saying he was tired because of work.  Then he kept saying he didn’t want to hurt me or the baby because of my size and I believed him.”  She broke down again.
“Have you seen Brenda?”  I bent down in front of her and gave her some tissue
“I’ll bloody kill her when I get my hands on her, the bitch,” she snarled.
“I can’t believe Gary would do this, especially whilst you’re pregnant.  What a bastard.  I’d kill Jim.” We sat quietly for a while, just drinking our tea and smoking. I checked on the kids.  They were fine.  Even Jamie was being good. “What are you going to do?  Will you throw him out?  And if you do, how will you manage?  Oh, what a bloody mess.  If I see her down at the shops I’ll give her a smack on your behalf, love.  You know I will,” I said, reaching for her hand.  I felt so helpless.  All I could do was listen.  God knows, she’d listened to me often enough.
Mary stood up, putting her hands on her back, as you do when you’ve not got long to go with your pregnancy.  She declared, “I’m going to go home and balls to him.  He can go when I’ve had this, but I’ll tell you Jan, I won’t have him back.  She can have him.  And as for her, she’s not worth getting locked up for.  I’ve got the kids to think about.  But Jan, if he does bugger off with her, I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you have my kids if I go into labour, until I come out?”  She looked at me.
“’Course I will, you silly bugger,” I said as we hugged each other.  “But I’ll still slap her if I see her at the shops.”
Mary smiled.  “I’m knackered, Jan.  Thanks for having the kids, but you don’t need to have them tomorrow ‘cos I’m not going in,” she said.
“Are you sure, Mary?  I don’t mind.”
“Yeh, ‘course.  Come on, you two.  Let’s go home and give your Auntie Jan some peace.”
The kids came running in.  “Here.  You’ve been so good you can have your sweets now,” I said, passing them over.
Where’s ours, mummy?” Zara piped up.
“Here.  One for you, one for Janette - and take the paper off that chocolate before you give it to Jamie.  When you’ve had that, you’re going up for a bath.  You’re all filthy.”
I showed Mary and the lads to the door.  “You know I’m here for you, don’t you,” I said, putting my arms round her.
“Yeh I do.  I’m going to get through this, Jan, aren’t I?”
“’Course you will.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.  I’ll leave the boys with that git.  He won’t get up to much with her tomorrow if they’re around.”  A smile came to her face.
“Just come round when you’re ready, I’m not going anywhere.  Jim’s working, so we can have a proper talk.”  
I waved as Mary went down the street.  I couldn’t even begin to think how I would feel if Jim had done what Gary did.  I’d never seen my best friend so upset.  I only hoped she was strong enough to get through this.  I would help her all I could, and that went without saying.
When Jim came home I’d bathed all the kids, Jamie was fast asleep and the girls were watching telly.  Whilst he was eating his tea I told him about Gary and Mary.  He couldn’t believe it.  He asked me if it was a one off.  I told him no.  He was leaving her for that slag.  Most of the men on the estate had slept with her.  Jim just couldn’t believe it.
Mary learned to live now that her marriage was over.  They lived separately, but in the same house.  She was getting near to having her baby when I saw her on the Monday morning, at the school.
“Coming back for a cuppa?” I asked her.
Mary approached me with both hands supporting her lump.  “Jan,” she said worriedly.  “I think something’s wrong.  I haven’t felt the baby all weekend.”  She looked at me for reassurance.
“Oh Mary.  You’re probably going to have it in the next few days.  They always go still before they’re born.”  I put my arms around her and she began to cry.
“I don’t know, Jan.  It just doesn’t feel right,” she said.
“Right, then” I said.  “We’ll pick the kids up, I’ll take them to my house and you can go to the hospital.”
“But what if there’s nothing wrong and they shout at me for wasting time?”  She chewed on her thumbnail.
“Stop being so bloody stupid,” I said.  “They’re put there to help.  You’ve got a worry, so go round and put your mind at rest.”  I smiled to reassure her.
“Right then, I will.  Thanks Jan.  Are you sure you don’t mind having the kids?”
“Positive.  Take as long as you need, and when you know something, phone me.” Mary gave the boys a kiss and told them to be good - but they always were for me.
Jim finished early that day, so he took the kids to the park, all except Jamie.  That gave me time to sort the tea out for everyone.
I hadn’t heard from Mary all afternoon, so I was getting a little worried.  Still, I’d find out soon enough.  About 5-30 she walked in.  The kids were still out with Jim.
“Hiya love.  How did you get on?  Want a cuppa?”
“Yeh, I will please, Jan,” Mary replied, sitting down.
“Well, what’s up then?  Are you ready to have the baby?”
Mary broke down.  I ran over to comfort her.  “Oh Jan, the baby’s dead,” she sobbed.
“Are you sure?  What did they say?”
“They took me for a scan.  Then they listened.  Nothing.  Not a sound, no movement.  They said the baby probably died a few days ago.”
I couldn’t believe it.  She’d come so far, been through all that with Gary – and now, this.
“Have you phoned Gary?” I asked her.
“Why should I?  He didn’t want it anyway.  Don’t forget, Jan, he’s leaving soon.  I’ll tell him when he shows up.”
“How come they’ve let you come home?”
“They wanted me to stay in, but they’ve only got a skeleton staff so, if I’d’ve stayed I would’ve been in bed for two days, or I could come home and make arrangements for the kids, so that’s why I’m home.  But when I go back, they’re going to induce me and I’ve got to give birth to it.  There’s no other way.”  Mary grabbed me.  I held her for ages.  I felt so inadequate.  This was one thing I couldn’t sort out for her.   “I’ll just go and rinse my face, then I’ll get off, Jan”
I persuaded Mary to leave the kids with me, until she and Gary had sorted something out, and Jim took them home later.  I didn’t see Mary the next day, but I left it to her to get in touch in her own time.
Mary went into hospital and I looked after the boys during the day, after school, until Gary picked them up.  She phoned me when she got home and said she was going to come round.  It had only been a day since she gave birth, so I sent Jim to pick her up.  She wasn’t fit to walk round.  I’d put the kids to bed and Jim had to go back to the garage.  He had a rush job on, so it gave us time to talk.  Mary did most of the talking and I listened.
“They were really nice to me.  I only got pain at the end.  It was all over so quickly, but the drugs made it quicker.”  She took a long puff on her fag and stared into space.  “Oh Jan, you should’ve seen her.  She looked normal.”  She dragged on her fag.  “But they told me she had Spina Bifida, she was blind, deaf and had a faulty heart.  There was nothing anyone could do.  We’re having the funeral next week.”  Her eyes filled with tears.  I began to cry too.
“Oh Mary, I don’t know what to say.  I feel useless.”
“Well don’t.  If I didn’t have you Jan, I’d go mad.  You’ve helped me so much with the boys, but I need another favour.”
“Anything,” I said.  “Anything.”
“Will you have the kids the day we bury the baby?  I don’t want them there, there’s only me and Gary going.”
“’Course I will.  As long as you like.”
Mary just kept going over the past day’s events.  She was so brave.  She didn’t get on with her mum, and her dad lived miles away, so I guess I was the nearest to family that she had.  She just got on with things in a roundabout way.
The funeral came and went, and each day she grew stronger.  Gary kept his word and went to live with Brenda Scott.  Mary spent most of her spare time round at our house.  Sometimes, Jim and I needed space, but she’d been through so much in the past six months.
Mr. Green came round to see me.  “Well, we’ve drafted the final paper to Tina,” he announced.  “She should have it by now.”
“Then what happens?”  I passed him his coffee.
“Well, if she signs her part we can finish everything off here, and Jamie will be yours and Jim’s.”  He smiled.
“I can’t believe it.  I didn’t think she’d do it, but she did.”  I smiled at Jamie.  “Who loves you?” I asked him.
“Mummy,” he shouted, and gave me a big hug.
Mr. Green said Jim and I had done marvellous.  He kept reassuring me all would be well, but I kept getting this nervous feeling in my stomach.  Jim and I had just settled down when the phone went.
“I’ll get it.”  I jumped up.  “Hello?”
“Hi, it’s me - Tina.”
My heart went to the pit of my stomach and I just flopped onto the coffee table.  Reaching for a fag, I asked, “What do you want?”
“There’s no need to be like that,” she said.
“Did you get the paper Mr. Green sent?”  It went quiet.  “Did you?” I said angrily.
“Yes, and that’s why I’m phoning. Me and Farouk have been having a talk, and he said he will accept Jamie now.”  She went quiet.
“You what!” I shouted down the phone.  Jim sat up and turned the telly off.  “You’ve got the bloody nerve to tell me after all this time that you and that bloody Arab have got a say over my son?”
“No,” she shouted, “my son.”
“He’s not your son, you didn’t want him.  He’s ours.”  I began to cry.
“Look, I’m coming over.  Let me think about all this.  I’ll bring the paper with me and come round.”
“No,” I shouted.  “No, you’re not coming here.  Please Tina, please just sign the paper.  He’s ours.  He doesn’t know you.  Please think what you’re doing,” I begged.
I’m not saying definitely I want him back, but can I see him?”
“No, just sign the paper and it’s finished with.”
“Well Jan, I’m coming over the day after tomorrow and I’m going to call round.  I’ll bring the paper then.”  She went quiet and hung up.
Jim took the receiver out of my hand.  “Oh God, Jim, what are we going to
do?  She wants Jamie.”  Jim stood up and held me.  I sobbed on his shoulder.
“She can’t just take him like that,” he said, brushing the tears off my cheeks.  “We’ve got Mr. Green and the solicitor on our side.  She gave him up.  You don’t think they’ll just let her take him love, do you?  He’s two and a half now, he doesn’t know her.”
I phoned Mary and she came round.  I was beside myself.  She said she would speak in court for me if I needed her.
Before I got into bed that night, I went and checked on the girls.  Zara and Janette were fast asleep.  I pulled their covers on them and took all the toys off their beds.  I went into Jamie’s room.  I just knelt down at the side of his cot and watched him as he slept.  He had his teddy in bed with him, the one me and Jim got him when he first came to us.  He went everywhere with it.  His eyelashes were so long, they rested on his cheeks when his eyes were closed.  I slipped my finger into his little hand and instinctively, he held it so tightly.  I sat there for a while.
Jim popped his head round the bedroom door.  “Come on, love, I’ve made you a brew.”  I kissed Jamie gently on his forehead and went into our bedroom.
“Jim, I’m not giving him up.  I’ll phone Mr. Green tomorrow.  Maybe he can
sort all this out.”
I lay in bed that night.  I didn’t close my eyes once.  I kept reliving everything we had been through, from the moment Tina first put Jamie in my arms.  I won’t give him back, I won’t.  If I’d’ve been a millionaire we could have just run off to another country, I was thinking - but we weren’t.  We were just your average couple, trying to live our lives, like anyone else.
Next morning I rushed round, sorting the kids out.  Jim said he didn’t want to go to work but he had to, but if I needed him, all I had to do was phone.  Mary came round with the boys and we set off to take the kids to school.  I don’t think we spoke two words on the way there.  On the way back, I called in the paper shop to get Jamie his usual chocolate bar.  Mary said she was coming back with me.  As soon as my foot landed on the doorstep, I asked Mary to sort Jamie out for me, while I rang Mr. Green.
Eventually, when I managed to speak to him, I began to cry.  I said, “Please help me.  Don’t let her take my baby.”
“Jan, I’ve got a bit of work to do right now, so can I phone you back in about an hour?” he asked.
“You will phone me, won’t you?” I sobbed.
“Yes, I promise.  It’s just that I’ve got to see someone right now, and they’re waiting in the other office.”
“O.K., but please phone me back.”
“I will, love, don’t worry.  Are you on your own?”
“No, Mary’s with me.  Jim’s had to go to work, but if you need to speak to him, you can phone him,” I said anxiously.
“I’ll get back to you in a bit, Jan.”  The phone went dead.
Mary passed Jamie over to me.  I just kept kissing the back of his head as he sat on my knee.  “Oh Mary, what am I going to do?”
She put her arm around me, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Whatever it takes, and I’m here for you now.”
That hour seemed ages.  Eventually, the phone rang.  I jumped up and grabbed the receiver.  I lit a fag.  “Hello, is that you, Mr. Green?” I asked.  
“Hello Jan, I’m sorry about that earlier; couldn’t be avoided.  Now, I’ve had a word with one of my colleagues and you have to get Tina to sign that paper.  It’s most
important,” he said.
“But what if she won’t?  What then?”  I waited.
“If she doesn’t, there’s nothing we can do,” he sighed.
“What do you mean, there’s nothing you can do?  You’re my social worker.  She doesn’t know him.  Help me, for God’s sake,” I pleaded.
“Because you were doing this privately, I told you she must sign all the papers, and if at any time before she’d signed she wanted Jamie back, you would have to return him.”
“No,” I declared.  “No.  She’s not having him back!  He’s mine!”  I began to cry.
“Look Jan.  I don’t like this any more than you, but that’s the law.  If she doesn’t sign that final paper you have to give him back.”
“I won’t! Do you hear me?” I shouted.  “I won’t!”  I slammed the phone down.
I told Mary what he had said.  She couldn’t believe it.  They didn’t even class Tina as a bad mother, because technically she had given me temporary custody…so, how do you get out of that one?  Mary made me ring my solicitor and see if he could help.  He basically said the same thing.  Unless she signed that paper, I didn’t have a leg to stand on, and what made it worse was that I hadn’t gone through the Social Services in the beginning, because I wasn’t on their books for fostering, or anything.  We were doing all this privately.  I told him I wouldn’t give Jamie back.  He said that if Tina did want him and I didn’t give him back, I would be arrested and would go to jail.  He asked who would look after my girls.  
I put the phone down in despair.  I just broke down.  Mary tried so hard to console me, but she had enough problems of her own.
“Look Jan,” she said.  “Wait and see what she wants.  You never know.  I’ll come back later tonight.  Gary can watch the kids.”  With that, Mary went.
I tried to act as normal as I possibly could.  I didn’t want the children to know something was wrong.  The evening seemed to be going quite quickly.  Neither Jim nor myself had anything to say; we’d said it all.  It was in the lap of God.  I was just going upstairs to get a bath to try and relax myself, and to put Jamie back to bed, (he seemed very restless, maybe he could sense something), when the door knocker went.
“I’ll get it, Jim.”  Jamie held onto my dress, as he always did.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  There stood Tina.
“I hope you don’t mind me calling round so late, but I had to come and talk to you and Jim,” she said.  Her eyes kept turning towards Jamie, who by now was still holding on to my dress very tightly, but peeping out at Tina from behind me.
“Tina, please don’t do this.  Go away and sign the paper, please.”
She bent down slightly, trying to peep round me.  “Is this Jamie?” she asked.
My god, I thought.  She gave birth to him and she doesn’t even know him.  I pushed Jamie back behind me and kept my hand on him.  “You’d better come in,” I said, knowing that this wasn’t going to go away.
Jim jumped to his feet when he saw her.  “What do you want?” he asked,
taking hold of Jamie.
“I want my son back,” she announced.
I took Jamie from Jim and told her she would have to wait until I had settled him in bed.  I walked out of the room, glanced at the front door and thought, if I didn’t have my other two babies sleeping upstairs, I would’ve just run off with Jamie.  I sat upstairs, hoping she would get fed up of waiting for me, and go, but she didn’t.
Back downstairs, I lit a fag.  “Right, go on.  Let’s have it,” I said to her.
“As I told you on the phone Jan, Me and Farouk are fine.  He is willing to take Jamie as his son.  I made a mistake, but now I want Jamie back.” She looked straight at me.
I was shaking so much I’m sure she could see.  I felt so sick inside; my head felt like it didn’t belong to me.  “What about Jamie?” I cried.  “He doesn’t bloody know who you are, you’re a stranger.  I’m his mummy.  Do you really think he’ll go without being upset?  He’s never been to France.  What about his sisters, what do I tell them?”  By this time, I was sobbing.  “Please, think what you’re going to do.  Don’t do this, Tina.”  You could see it didn’t matter what Jim or I said, didn’t count for anything in her book.
“Can I have a look at him?” she asked, looking at Jim.
“Why?” I shouted.
“I can’t believe how he has grown, and I’d like to see his bedroom.”  
Jim smiled and nodded at me.  “Come on then,” I said.  As we went into his room, she commented on how nice it was, about how many toys he had and how beautiful he was.  “Have you finished up here?” I asked, holding Jamie’s bedroom door open.  I followed her downstairs.  Jim had made us all a cuppa.
“I know the law,” she announced, “And I could have him back now if I wanted, but I’ll let you have him until one o’ clock tomorrow.  So you’d better explain to Jamie what’s going on and who I am.”  She stood up.
I stood up too.  “I think you’re the most evil cow that ever walked this earth,” I said, squaring up to her.  “I could easily kill you right now.”
Jim took hold of me.  “Get out, Tina,” he shouted at her.
“I’ll go, but I’m back here tomorrow for my son.”  She slammed the door.
I fell to my knees.  “Oh God oh God.”  Jim sat next to me.  We both cried till we couldn’t cry any more.
Jim said, “I knew something would happen, Jan, I knew it.”
I just sat staring at the walls.  It had gone midnight.  Jim looked worn out.  “Go to bed Jim, please,” I said. “You have to be up for work tomorrow.”
“Jan, I can’t leave you down here in this state.  Come on, love, come to bed.  You never know – she might have a change of heart.  Stranger things have happened.”
I looked up at him.  “No Jim, she’s not going to change her mind.  We’ve lost him.  So have the girls.  What are we going to tell them?”  My eyes filled up with tears again.
Jim said he wasn’t going in work, but I told him there was no point in being here with me.  It wasn’t because I didn’t feel his pain too; it was because I was trying to save him from going through even more pain.  He agreed with me and I persuaded him to go up to bed.  I told him I would be up later.  I’d bought forty fags that day.  It was only three a.m. and I only had five left.  I didn’t have any sleep in me.
I took myself into Jamie’s room and sat there holding his little hand, watching him sleep so contentedly, unaware of what was going to happen.  I loved the way he used to look like he was peeping through one eye.  Looking round his room, there were pictures he had painted with the girls hung on his walls.  His toys all had a place of their own, that’s how Jamie was.  It sounds crazy, but he got that from me.  I went into the girls’ room.  Zara was grinding her teeth, she always did that, and Janette was sleeping with her knees bent and her bottom in the air.  This was my family.  Now everything was falling apart.  I peeped in at Jim.  He was sound asleep, but then he was exhausted, like me.  The dog was asleep on the landing.  This was how it was supposed to be.
Sitting in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil, I got some boxes out that
Jim saved for his car bits.  I took them up to Jamie’s room.  I had to run back down so the whistle on the kettle didn’t wake anyone.  I looked at the clock.  4.45 a.m.
Where did I put those bin bags, I thought.  Ah, there they are, under the sink.  I grabbed my fags, cuppa and bin bags, and crept into Jamie’s room, so as not to wake him.  I opened his wardrobe door.  All his clothes were neatly hung.  Taking them out, one at a time, I gently folded them on the hangers and placed them into the bin liners.  I knew Tina wouldn’t give a damn how he looked, but I did.
 He began to stir, but then just said, “Hello mummy,” and went back to sleep after I stroked his head.
I began to open the drawers.  Again taking his clothes out, I neatly packed them and placed them in the corner of his room.  Emotionally, it got too much, so I took the clothes down, with the girls’ stuff I had sorted for them to wear that day.  The dog was crying at the door.
“Come on Laddie, you can have your run and I’ll get my fags.”
As I walked over to the shops I looked back at the scruffy house.  I was so choked up.  My head was spinning.  I couldn’t believe our little boy was any part of that family.  He’d hate it there; he didn’t even like walking past it.  He would hold his nose, squint his eyes and say, “pooh,” every time he saw it, and here I was just handing him over to them.