As the man walked out onto the stage, he could sense the feeling of apprehension in his vast audience.

‘My friends,’ he started. ‘It is my pleasure to announce that the success of our endeavours is in sight.’

The relief of tension was palpable.

‘Please allow me to explain in some detail, the progress of our most important mission. On the stage behind me, you will see a sample of rocks taken by our scientists from Australia on the planet Earth over a considerable number of years.’

The speaker allowed for the disturbance of many bodies craning to see the display.

‘Each screen shows enlarged details of the item below it. Starting on the left, you can see an early form of Earthly life. It is a fossil called an ammonite. In this specimen, the actual shell of the creature has been replaced post-mortem by the rock that surrounded it. The second example is more visually attractive. It is a bivalve called a Nucula. It has had the shell replaced, molecule by molecule, by iron pyrites. This process is called metasomatism and is vital to our needs, in fact, to our very destiny.

‘The third exhibit is an ichthyosaur, which has been metasomatised by the precious stone Opal. It is magnificent, isn’t it? And of no less splendour is the lady arranging the plants around the stage. They were also retrieved from the Earth where they are called gladioli. You would never recognise her as my assistant, in her new persona and splendid attire.’

Loud applause greeted these words.

‘Over the years we have been experimenting with replacing the molecules of the dominant specie on Earth, the Human Being, with the molecules of our own bodies. This has not been vastly difficult. Over time we have flown from our sad and dying planet to their thriving world and collected specimens in Australia, a country with sufficient vacant land for us to colonise. Our experiments have been benign and we have returned the creatures that had unwittingly helped us. In some cases this might not have been the best thing to do; we received little thanks. But we abhor violence so we had no choice.

‘Soon we hope to have solved the last of our minor problems. When that happens we will leave our home universe and adopt theirs, painlessly insinuating ourselves, one for one, in their bodies by the process of metasomotism we will have, by then, perfected.

‘Our main concerns are not with adopting their bodies but programming our minds to deal with the strange thoughts and behaviour patterns these creatures exhibit. Ever since they displayed knowledge above that of all other animals that infest their world, they have attempted to destroy these creatures and themselves. They have been quite successful in this. From the early days of one caveman beating his neighbour senseless with a club to steal land, food or women, humans have continued these traits to a level of near perfection. Few tribes can live peacefully with other tribes or even within themselves. Warfare is rife and one hand they appear to be depopulating their specie in this manner. But on the other hand they are over-populating themselves out of existence. As they, themselves, say, they’re a weird mob!

‘It is not just the group behaviours that are a problem, however. Each one of these creatures displays individual behaviour designed for self-destruction. They live on a beautiful planet but shut themselves away and spend most of their time looking at a moving picture which depicts the worst of their problems or the most unattainable of their goals. They are seldom happy with what they already have. Many go one step further in seeking the impossible by filling themselves with substances designed to distort their view of life. These unsavoury characteristics will be negated by the pack you will be given to install into your host’s brain immediately you accept one of their identities.

‘On the lighter side, I suggest you do try the human recreation called sex. Even though it has been responsible for more war and bloodshed than we could imagine, on the international as well as individual level, I suggest you try it anyway. This pastime requires, in most cases, a different gender for each of the participants. These genders are called ‘male’ and ‘female’. In the past the male of the specie used gender as a weapon against the female and evidence of this practice is still very evident in this unfortunate society. In those areas where male dominance has eased, the pendulum has swung convincingly in the other direction and the female is wrecking revenge for past grievances. So my only advice is, ‘Enjoy, but use with extreme caution.’

‘Now, back to myself and my assistant. As you can see, I am in the body of a human being from the planet Earth. When I took over this shell, there were a couple of problems but they are not major. I have found difficulty in growing the wispy material that keeps their heads warm and, in certain circumstances, I have visible motor spasms when confronted by music. But these problems are minor concerns. The person whose body I now share makes up for them by having a far greater understanding than most, of the dangers to the Earth caused by mankind. My name now is Peter Garrett.

‘Having taken a male form for myself, I wanted a female form for my assistant. I also wanted a woman well known in human society. We are still working on a few minor problems with gender in this case, but I’m sure as Dame Edna Everidge she will perform all that is required of her.

‘So, my friends, we are about to make history. Not only will we survive by our transformation, we will ensure the survival of the Earth and, for what it is worth, the human race. All that is left is for me to wish you all good luck. You may need it!’