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Poetry
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awake
By no1butClo
30 June 2007

I like the last line of this poem; I like to think it puts it into context and changes how the piece is read, but I'm not honestly sure about it...


review/crit/abuse/comments welcome


Slip me some new skin
- the tattoo of my dreams - 
to cover, like that childhood well,
the depths I am too scared to fathom.

Build something newer,
and more believeable,
on those foundations.

Just don't let me fall
into myself, bringing
reality to night-mare
as I lie here in this

sleep-sweat-soaked bed.

Reviews
Praiseworthy
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 29th June 2007
I have done my review in an email for you  
 
patterjack

Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 30th June 2007
Liked this - I will come back and review again when I've thought more about it.

Written by Phil (6997 comments posted) 30th June 2007
Hi Clo. 
 
The first thing that struck me about this was its pulse - gentle, rhythmic, almost like a lullaby. Almost as if you're saying/thinking this in a half sleep state. Line 9 - 'into myself' kind of jarred me out of this. 
 
Seems profound, but then, is it all about hiding, avoiding? I guess skin is only on th esurface and does hide, not cure, what is beneath. 
 
Liked this very much. FP, has suggested as much - lots to think about. 
 
Phil. 
 
 
Oh, Chloe!
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 30th June 2007
You do the teenage angst thing with a lot more class than most of the other contributors of that age group. 
 
The first line had me imagining a snake shedding its skin. 
 
"The tattoo of my dreams" I like but not too sure I understand. 
 
The "childhood well" metaphor works well (excuse pun). 
 
I suppose it depends what you were dreaming about - must've been disturbing (fevered?) to bring about the perspiration. I can understand the fear that exists on the cusp of sleep and awakening, terrifying fantasy and reality. But perhaps there is also a hint of desire for the darker side that was in the dream. 
 
I'm not the best at interpretation of this kind of reverie - but I do like it very much! 
 
Oli 
 
:)

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 30th June 2007
Another good one, though once more I feel that your ideas are a bit disconnected. It's possible that I just prefer poems with a constant theme as you don't see anyone else complaining about it! 
Like Oli I found "tattoo of dreams" a bit tricky to grasp but liked the childhood well; a nice dark image I feel you could develop. By the way, isn't it nightmare rather than night-mare? 
Liked the last line. The words jar in a way which suits the state of restless nightmare. Odd that you chose to call it "Awake" when it is about being asleep. Or am I missing something there?
I'll get me coat
Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 30th June 2007
... little to add to the reviews above :) 
 
Enjoyed it. 

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