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By aleatoric_rhetoric
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30 June 2007 |
A girl who wanted nothing serious and I were talking infront of her gated appartment complex. We sat with our legs crossed on cracked pavement--and it really is an estranged part of my life: out of highschool into the mystery abyss. I have this summer to fall in likelovelike(care) with and--
i was in
love
in so much
love
with the way she
spoke
the way--
her way
that I got
lost, yeah,
I
got lost
her spoken
word poetry
about her
rain, hail
catastrophe
had a melody
that didn't
change a thing
it did not change
a thing
except it made my
eyes widen and
feel toward her
helpless
reminded me
of my own
i told it to
shoot out
from my heart
to my hands and
we were not
magnificent war time heros that
defied an army of
fellow men for
higher purposes making for
a high tide of corpses
i was not
a motivational speaker with
a 12 step plan to stop
her apocalypse
i had
no dreams
i was awake and
listening, listening
she captured pain
in her hands
she said it
with words.
destroying destruction
is the plight of every man
but with her,
i reached out and
we held it,
together and
there was nothing to
understand but
a feeling to be
witnessed.
we were
all sorts
of human
and her
spoken
word
poetry
had my hands
eager.
"Everyone I
love is leaving
me and if I
could cut myself
in eight different
pieces and be with
them all, I
would."
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Hey... Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 30th June 2007 | ...listen. Okay, that's got your last PM out of the way. I did say that I wouldn't bother to review any of your work until you joined the community. However, I've changed my mind. "A very long list of words." | Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 30th June 2007 | More coherent than of late, again with some merit in places, but I have to be honest and say this kind of thing is not for me. This and the others I've read appear to be thrown together with little thought. I'm not advocating all your lines should be metrically similar and you have a tight rhyming scheme, for from it. I guess it could take you ages to achieve this effect - but I can't think why you'd want to. I've got pretty broad tastes, I like to be challenged, I've tried hard, but failed to see quality in your works when I take each one as a whole. Sorry if this seems hard. Put up for review, given an honest crit. Only one person's opinion, others will probably disagree. Phil. |
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