Interior: butcher's shop, late afternoon.

TODD is polishing the glass of the display cabinet; which is almost empty, in fact there's only one tray with one piece of meat on it.

TODD's talking over the top of it to EDDIE, a big, but dim chap in cheap clothes. It's dark outside but the shop window lights reveal a stout sandwich board man pacing up and down on the pavement.

    Eddie    'ere, oo's that bloke outside, Toddy?

    Todd     Him? Oh, some religious nutter. God knows where they get 'em from.

    Eddie    Makin' a lot o' noise, inn'e?

    SBM (outside window)    WHETHER YOU EAT, OR DRINK, OR WHATSOEVER YOU DO, DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD!  … … EAT NO MEAT … GOD HAS GIVEN YOU EVERY HERB FOR FOOD …  …  CONTINENCE IS NEXT TO GODLINESS … EAT NO MEAT … … CONTROL YOUR LUSTFUL THOUGHTS …

    Eddie    Wonder 'e doesn't drive all yer customers away.

    Todd    You know Eddie, the British are a funny lot. Tell 'em not to do something and they immediately want to do it.

    Eddie    What, rumpy-pumpy? Her her.

    Todd     No, Eddie, eating meat. Irritating though he is, that gent outside has driven the great British public in here like lemmings.

    Eddie    I 'aven't come in here for lemmins, I don't like gin. I come to scrounge a few sausages.

    Todd     Last week they sent a Chinese gent. He’d no sooner started on about yin and yang organs than they were in here begging me for liver and bacon. And they cleaned me out of spare ribs, chop-chop.

    Eddie    (not diverted from his stomach) I wouldn’t mind a few spare ribs.

    Todd     No spare ribs left. The week before that it was a Jehovah’s Witness. You know what it’s like havin’ one of them on your doorstep. Mind you, him bangin’ on about spiritual food did wonders for me sales of tripe.

    Eddie    Yer, I’m that ’ungry I could even fancy tripe -

    Todd    And I didn’t have any trouble with false profits either.

    Eddie    - but I’d rather have a sausage or two.

    Todd     No sausages left.

    Eddie    Or one of Mrs Lovett’s pies?

    Todd    (shakes his head)

    Eddie:   Aw, Toddy. I could eat a horse between two mattresses.

    Todd    Can't help it: I've sold out of sausages, I’ve sold out of pies, even if you 'ad the money to pay for 'em. WHICH I know you don't.

    EDDIE    Don't bugger about, Toddy. I'll owe you. Me Giro's due.

    TODD    Told you, it's been a busy day, Ed. Nothing left.

    SBM (outside window)    WHETHER YOU EAT, OR DRINK, OR WHATSOEVER YOU DO, DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD!  … … EAT NO MEAT  … GOD HAS GIVEN YOU EVERY HERB FOR FOOD … …  CONTINENCE IS NEXT TO GODLINESS …

    TODD    All we've got left is this foreign stuff here. (tilts display tray)

    Eddie    Foreign? Ugh.

    Todd    Beggars can't be choosers.

    EDDIE    What is it then – ostrich?

    TODD     No.

    EDDIE    Alligator?

    TODD     No.

    Eddie    What is it then?

    Todd    Baboon.

    EDDIE    Baboon! oo're you callin' a baboon?

    TODD    Eddie. Baboon's all we've got left.

    EDDIE    I want summat for me tea, Toddy. Is that the best you can do?

    SBM (outside window)    WHETHER YOU EAT, OR DRINK, OR WHATSOEVER YOU DO, DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD!  … … EAT NO MEAT  …  GOD HAS GIVEN YOU EVERY HERB FOR FOOD … … 

    TODD     Like all my meat, it’s very well hung. Not as well hung as a donkey, but close. Tell you what. I was saving it for meself, but you do me a favour and I'll do you a deal.

    Eddie    What's that then?

    Todd:   I'm tired, I want to shut up shop, and that bloke out there's annoying me. You get rid of 'im, know what I mean? and the steak's yours.

    Eddie    Steak? I didn't know you got steak off a baboon.

    Todd    Why not? If you can have ostrich steak, alligator steak, you can have baboon steak. Want it or not?

    SBM (outside window)    WHETHER YOU EAT, OR DRINK, OR WHATSOEVER YOU DO, DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD!  … … EAT NO MEAT  …  GOD HAS GIVEN YOU EVERY HERB FOR FOOD … …

    Eddie    I'm bloody 'ungry mate. Yer, I'll do it.

    Todd    Good lad. Get out there and make sure 'e doesn't come back, know what I mean?

    Eddie    (beat) No.

    Todd     Give ‘im a karate chop.

    Eddie    Blimey, you aren’t selling rats as well!

    Todd     Ka-ra-tee chop, Ed, chop-chop on the back of the neck, know what I mean?

    Eddie    'ere, I thought you meant just frighten 'im off!

    Todd    You ever tried gettin' rid of a religious nutter? An' 'e's a vegetarian into the bargain. If you can deal with a horse between two mattresses, a big fat bloke between two sandwich boards should be right up your street. Fix it so 'e can't come back.

    Eddie    Well all right. (beat) But I don't like it much.

    Todd    When did you say your Giro's due?

    Eddie    (sulkily) Not till day after tomorra.

    Todd    How you going to buy any supper then if you don't do my little job?

    Eddie    (cornered) Well you make sure nobody traces it to me, right!

    Todd    That's my boy. Down the alley, dump 'im in the back yard, know where I mean? I'll get rid of the evidence.

Exit EDDIE. Through the window we see him come up behind SBM, grab him by the sandwich boards and hustle him out of sight.

    TODD    That's it then.

(He puts Eddie's bit of steak into a plastic bag, seals it and leaves it on the top of the counter. With satisfaction:)

    Sold out!

Re-enter EDDIE, panting.

    Eddie    I put him in yer cold store.

    Todd    Sandwich boards?

    Eddie    Stuck 'em inside yer back doorway.

    Todd    Sometimes my son, you're quite bright. Here you are. Now be off with your baboon steak before I decide to call a policeman.

Exit Eddie with bag.

Todd     lays out a cleaver and a bone saw, and begins to strop a large knife.

Enter MRS LOVETT

    Todd    Hello my little darling. We’ve got work to do.

    MRS LOVETT    It's that time o' day, that's why I come. Oo'd you ask this time?

    Todd    Eddie. Did him a deal for a baboon steak.

    MRS LOVETT     You waste nowt, do yer? Oh, I've brought them sandwich boards in for yer, they’re in the kitchen.

    TODD    Ta. You want me to fetch him with the sack barrow?

    MRS LOVETT    Yes, 'e's too big for me to manage on me own. Quite a nice fat one this time, eh? That'll be good for the pies. You'll need to ring the Job Centre tomorrow.

    TODD    Aye. (fingers knife edge lovingly.) Tell 'em I've a vacancy for another religious, vegetarian, baboon.