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Poetry
[untitled once more]
By no1butClo
01 July 2007
OH GOOD LORD isn't the ending awful? I sort of lost all concentration and couldn't finish it properly...

would love advice on the first two stanzas, and I promise to work on the rest :)

clo x

ps ta for all the reviews on awake, I shall endeavour* to return the favour [*and spell that word porperly]

Enter, come on in, feast your eyes.
Let our strobe-lights short-circuit your minds
while we're busy running trip-wires
round your ankles.

With your own shadows we fool you
into corners, and leave you there,
eyes wide, as you realise
your skin wasn't that colour before.

Acrid smoke, our halls of mirrors,
make you wish you never came,
forget why, then shove you from a
sidedoor. Alleyway,
                           pinprick,
                                       one, retreating,
                                       black-clad back.

Reviews
lost me ..
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 1st July 2007
... the last stanza  
 
First two were fine as far as I was concerned . and I like the smoke and mirrors reference .But alas the grammar of wish you'd never came !!! 
 
Nice basic idea  
 
patterjack
Not quite sure...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 1st July 2007
OK so a nightclub metaphor (?) - or just a little miniature of Chloe nightlife. 
 
As usual - tinged with regret and unsatifactory endings (to the evening in question, rather than the poem). 
 
The difficulty with the reader's comprehension of this, is that it seems to be a personal Chloe perspective on a particular set of circumstances. I wasn't there - but I can imagine the feelings to some extent. 
 
Liked the trip wires and skin discolouration. 
 
Oli :)

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 1st July 2007
As above, I liked the first two stanzas, but got lost in the latter part of the last. 
 
(By the way, the reference to trip wires in the first made me think of the recent failed attack in London.) 
 
Phil

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 1st July 2007
A bit confused as to exactly what you're trying to say with this piece. The "we" narrative suggests a sinister note to the evening but the viewpoint confuses me; I feel like you're placing your emotional perspective on the "we" in question and it jars. The hall of mirrors confused me as it made me think of a carnival rather than a night club! Or was that intentional?  
Liked the ending. Suggestive of the feeling of loneliness and emptiness that can come at the end of a night out.

Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 2nd July 2007
I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you were trying to put across either. I don't like guessing games in poetry - but I think I am alone with this. I guess my poetry is not mystical enough for this website, but I guess I could always try, ha ha.

Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 17th July 2007
Liked this, you paint a vivid picture of the club and give it a nice contrast at the end. Wish you'd find a title for it though. 
 
Ben

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