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Non-Fiction
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| JAMIE Chapter 3 | |
| By Jacquie | ||||||
| 01 July 2007 | ||||||
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Hello again everyone. Here is Chapter 3 of my story of Jamie. I hope you enjoy it. By the time I reached the paper shop, I was sort of in a daze. The lady in there was lovely. “Hiya Jan, twenty of your usual and a Milky Way.” She stopped talking and looked at me, hard. “Oh God, love, what’s up? It’s not Jim, is it?” She placed the fags on the counter. I just shook my head. “Well, one of the kids then? Are they alright? I’ve never seen you in such a state, you look awful.” She came from behind the counter and put her arm around me. I broke down again. I told her what had happened. She knew we were adopting Jamie, as did everyone else on the estate. “What a bitch. If she comes in here, I’ll give her a piece of my mind, and I won’t bloody serve her. Can’t we get a petition up, Jan?” she asked. “No,” I sobbed, “it’s out of our hands now. We have to hand him back or it’s prison for us.” “Here.” She pushed a packet of tissues into my hand. “On the house. If you need anything, love, just say.” “Thanks. I’m sorry for this, but I’m tired. I’ve been up all night. I’ve got to tell the girls yet. I’ll let you know how things go. See ya later.” I turned and went out of the shop and opened Laddie’s Milky Way. Once he had had it, he did his usual thing and sat in the butcher’s doorway, waiting for his daily bone. As I walked past Tina’s, I could see they had started to get up. I stopped. Should I knock, I was thinking, and try to reason with her again? What was the point? If the Social Services couldn’t help me, and the bloody solicitor, what chance did I have? None. Jim was standing on the doorstep. “I’ve been worried, love. Where’ve you been?” he asked. “To the shop for fags.” I pushed past him. “I’m sorry I fell asleep Jan. You didn’t come to bed, did you?” “No,” I said. “Are you mad at me for going to bed, love? I said I’d stay up.” He put his arms around me. I took a deep breath. “No, love, I’m not mad with you. What can you do? Nothing. What can I do? Nothing. So, I’ve packed some of Jamie’s things, to give me a start.” I took another breath, pulled away from Jim and wiped my eyes with both hands. “Right, what do you want for breakfast? Make it quick, I’ve got to go and get the kids up.” Jim looked puzzled. “Just a brew love, please. Look Jan, let me stay home, I should be here with you. You don’t have to do this alone.” I knew he meant it, I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I’m sure his heart felt like mine. Like a brick. “No Jim, please go to work, love. I’ll phone you later and let you know what’s happened.” “Alright, love,” he said, reluctantly, “but you will phone me if there’s anything, won’t you?” “Yeh, I will.” Jim stood up. “Come here.” He opened his arms out to me. I know he was trying to show me love and trying to console us both, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I needed to know my son was going to stay. I needed my son in my arms. “Go to work, love. Go on. Please.” Jim went into the hallway to put his boots on and then he started to take them off again. We both looked at each other. He said, “I’ve not given my son a kiss.” He went up to Jamie’s room. I reached for my fags. I did need Jim there with me, but what was the point of us both being there? We wouldn’t be any use to each other. As Jim came downstairs I tried to pull myself together. “Is he okay?” I asked. “He’s fine, love. Fast asleep. I’m going to miss our little man.” He started to cry. I ran over and held him. “I know, love, I know.” For that moment, if only the world could have stood still, if we could have been suspended in time. If we could prevent what was about to happen, I would have given my soul. “Mummy, where’s my breakfast?” I looked up the stairs, over Jim’s shoulder. It was Zara; she was always the first up. “Come and give your old dad a big kiss.” Jim held out his arms. Zara’s face was beaming. He picked her up and held her so tightly. “Now you be a good girl for mummy today and I’ll see you later.” He put her down. We looked into each other’s eyes. He didn’t have to say anything; I knew what he was thinking. “I’ll see you later, love. Don’t forget to phone me.” He kissed my forehead. “I won’t, Jim. Now go on, bugger off to work.” I watched Jim’s car pull away. Oh well, I’m on my own now, I was thinking. Zara sat at the table waiting patiently for her breakfast. “Zara, mummy’s got to tell you something in a minute and you have to be a big girl and listen carefully.” I put the cups of tea on the table. “What, mummy?” I looked into her little eyes. I could feel a lump in my throat. “Do you remember when we got Jamie?” I asked her. “Yes I do,” she smiled. “We got him off the fairies, didn’t we?” I smiled. “But you do know mummy didn’t grow him in my tummy, don’t you?” “Yes,” she said, “because the fairies gave him to us.” “Well, you know before the fairies gave him us, he had to grow in his mummy’s tummy too, didn’t he?” I looked at her little face. “Did his mummy give him to the fairies?” She screwed her brow up. “Yes, she did. She gave him to them to mind for a while, but they were so busy they asked if me and daddy could mind him. So we did. Well, now his mummy wants him back.” I looked at her. She threw her toast on the table, crossed her arms and began to cry. “But you’re his mummy now. I don’t want him to go back. I love him, he’s my baby brother. Say no, mummy.” She reached for my hand. I gently sat her on my knee and held her close to me; she was so upset. “I know, mummy, let’s hide. Let’s run away forever,” she sobbed. “Jamie’s mummy is coming to take him home today darling, and he has to go,” I sobbed too. “Please let him stay mummy, please,” she begged. “If I don’t give Jamie back to his mummy, then the policeman will lock me up, and what will you and Janette do?” I asked. “I don’t want that.” She pushed her toast away. “Me and daddy will come and get you out if the police man locks you up.” She was trying so hard to convince me to do something, but I couldn’t, and I knew it. “Now listen. I’m going to take you to school and I want you to be a big girl, and when you come home, we can have a picnic with your tea set, in the back garden, and you can make all the butties.” “Can Jamie come?” she asked. “I’ll see,” I said. I didn’t want to upset her any further, because I really needed her to go to school today, of all days. Janette came down. “Mummy, Jamie wants to come down.” She sat down and picked Zara’s toast up. Zara started stamping her feet. “That’s mine,” she demanded, snatching it off Janette. Janette started crying. It sounded like a madhouse. “Right,” I shouted. “Sit down, I’ll make you all some.” I shouted upstairs to Jamie, “Come and get your breakfast.” I heard him run across the landing and down the stairs. As I turned round, I couldn’t help but smile. He had his soldier’s helmet on, one of Janette’s cardigans upside down and no jammy bottoms. “Oh Jamie,” Zara laughed, “we can see your bum.” A big grin came onto his face and the more the girls laughed, the more he showed his bum. Janette pushed a piece of toast out to him. “Here, you can have it.” He ran over, grabbed the toast and gave Janette a bear hug and kiss on the cheek. “Come on, trouble,” I said. “Sit down.” He looked at me with his big brown eyes. You could feel the love we had between us. He put his hands up in the air. “Give me a kiss ‘morning, mummy,” he beamed. Mary came round to help me that day. We took Zara to school. I watched her as her line went into the school. She kept smiling and waving to us. Jamie was blowing her kisses and telling her he would come back with mummy, later. Every word was like a knife going through me. Every step we took home I remember thinking, I was probably never going to walk this way with Jamie again. Janette and Jamie were holding hands and skipping in front of us as we neared home. Mary put her arm in mine. I looked at her. “God, Mary, I can’t do this,” I said. “What about Jamie? What about the girls? Can you imagine when I pick Zara up, how she’s going to react? And I sent Jim to work this morning, even though he didn’t want to go. I packed some of Jamie’s things last night, but I just can’t pack the rest.” I began to cry. “We’ll do it, love, but whatever happens today, you have to stay strong for the kids. I’m here for you. God knows Jan, I think we’ve both been through enough to last us a lifetime.” Mary made a cuppa and told me it was time to tell Jamie. She went upstairs to finish doing what I had started. I took Jamie and Janette into the living room. Janette tipped their bucket of Lego out onto the floor. We sat down and began to build. “Jamie,” I beamed. “Guess who’s coming to see you today.” I carried on stacking the Lego bricks. “Who, mummy?” He looked up at me. “A very nice lady,” I said. “Is she?” Janette butted in. “Yes,” I replied, “and do you know who she is?” I asked him. He shook his head at me. “It’s your other mummy.” He just stared at me. I could see he was mulling it round in his head. “You’re my mummy,” he laughed, throwing his head backwards and looking at Janette. “I know I’m your mummy, but guess what. Because you are so special, you have two mummies.” “Have I got two mummies?” Janette asked. “No darling, only one,” I replied. “Aaww, that’s not fair,” she complained. “And your mummy’s coming round here in a bit to see you. She wants you to go and have a happy holiday with her.” He always called them happy holidays, and I suppose he was right. After all, we do go on holidays to make us happy. “Mummy,” he came over and sat on my knee. “Are you and daddy coming too?” “Not this time darling.” My eyes filled with tears. “I’m not going. I don’t want another mummy. You’re my mummy.” He began to cry. I shouted upstairs to Mary. “Can you come and take Janette to the shop, Mary, whilst I talk to Jamie?” I turned around. They were both crying. Mary took Janette up in her arms. “Come on darling, let’s go and get some sweeties for you and Jamie, and you can pick.” Janette smiled through her tears. I went back into the living room, sitting Jamie on my knee. “Do you know,” I said, pushing his hair to one side, away from his eyes. “You are the most special little boy in the world. Mummy and daddy love you so much.” He leaned against me and put his thumb in his mouth. His big brown eyes had retained the tears in them. “And when your other mummy rang me and daddy to ask if you could go on a happy holiday, we said yes, because we knew you would like that…you can phone me up and tell me all about it, can’t you.” I looked into his eyes. “Yes mummy, but can Zara and Janette come?” I shook my head. “I’ll cry, mummy,” he said. I could feel my emotions welling up inside me. “You won’t cry, you’re a big boy now,” I said reassuringly. “You can take all your toys and things. You’re going on a big boat. You’d like that Jamie, wouldn’t you?” He smiled. “You can send us a postcard and I’ll put it up there.” I pointed to the mirror over the fireplace. We cuddled for a few moments in silence, then he jumped off my knee and turned to face me. “I’m not going.” He sat by his Lego, looking at the floor. The door opened. “Here.” Mary handed him his sweets. She beckoned me to come out, into the kitchen. “Play nice, you two,” she said. Jamie just raised his eyes and looked at me. “Here, have a fag.” “Ta, Mary. I’ve told him. He doesn’t want to go. He thinks I don’t love him, Mary, I know he does.” “Listen.” Mary leaned over the table towards me and held both my hands. “No-one can love anyone like you love him and the girls. He’s bound to feel this way. Did you tell him he had two mummies?” “Yep.” Tears rolled down my face. “Well, leave it now. Let him play and think about it. It’s a lot to take in, he’s only a baby really Jan, you know.” “What time is it?” I asked, looking round at the kitchen clock. “Eleven thirty. Oh God, Mary, she’s coming at one.” The phone rang. We both looked at each other. “It might be her,” I said, going over to answer it. “Maybe she’s changed her mind.” I looked at my friend. “I doubt it,” came the reply. “Hello? Oh hiya, love.” It was Jim. “I’m okay. I’ve not heard anything, but when I do I promise I will phone you. I love you. ‘Bye.” I replaced the receiver. “I know,” I clapped my hands and smiled. The kids jumped up. “What mummy, what?” “Let’s all go into the back garden and play games. “Yeh,” they shouted. They both ran over. Their little hands slid into mine. Mary laughed. “Can I play too?” she asked. “Come on then,” I said, as we skipped past her. It seemed to relax the children a bit. As I watched Janette and Jamie playing together, I knew this was their last time. They were so close. They shared everything, and soon Janette would be on her own, as would Jamie. Mary broke the spell. “Jan, there’s a lady at the door.” I froze to the spot. It was as if my heart had stopped beating. I was shaking my head at Mary. “No, no, no, no.” She took my hand, hugged me. “Be strong Jan, please. For me. Leave the kids playing out for a bit.” I could see the tears in her eyes. I smiled crookedly, trying to give myself the courage I needed. I walked into the hallway. She was there. She had come to take my son away. “Through there,” I pointed to the living room door. “I left it as long as I could,” she said. I noticed there was a Mercedes outside. “Whose is the car?” I asked. “It’s my boss’s. He’s come over from France to help me take Jamie back. We’re catching the ferry tonight.” Mary sat down on the couch, next to me. “You haven’t changed your mind, then? You didn’t wake up this morning and find you had a heart?” I said, gritting my teeth at her. “It’s for the best,” she said, nervously. “Whose best? Your bloody best? Remember coming in here to use my phone nearly three years ago, do you? You know – when you didn’t give a toss about the baby you were holding?” I looked at her. “Stuck for words are you? You said it was for the best then. Remember that, do you? I hate you, Tina,” I said “I know, but I can’t help the way things have turned out, and he is mine.” She kept looking over her shoulder to check the man in the car was there. She could see him through the window. “Where’s Jamie? Can I see him now? I’ve got to go soon.” Mary nudged me. “Go and bring the kids in, Jan,” she said. I went into the back. They were sat quietly, playing on the blanket I had put down. “Come on, you two, I’ve got someone who wants to see you.” Janette ran straight past me, and in. Jamie stayed sitting. “Are you coming in, darling?” I bent down and picked him up. He put his arms around my neck and placed his head on my shoulder. I held him so tightly. “I don’t want a happy holiday mummy,” he whispered in my ear. I couldn’t reply. I carried him through to the living room. Janette was sat on Mary’s knee. Tina stood up. I stopped dead in the middle of the room. She walked over to us. “Hello,” she said, going slightly to the side of me and talking to Jamie. “I’m your mummy.” Jamie turned his head the other way. She touched his leg. “Are you going to say hello?” she asked. “No,” came the stern reply. “Tina, you sit down over there and me and Jamie will sit here,” I said, turning him round on my knee as I sat in the chair opposite. “Guess who this is,” I said, looking down at Jamie. “It’s your other mummy.” Tina looked at me. “It’s the only way I could explain,” I told her. “I don’t want another mummy. You’re my mummy,” He cried. “Well, you’ve got two mummies, and I wished I had,” I said. He looked at me, puzzled. “Do you?” “Yes,” I said. “Then I could have a holiday and go on a big boat, and have a happy time too.” “But I want to stay here,” he cried. Tina asked Jamie to sit on her knee. He said no, but after about twenty minutes I coaxed him into sitting near her. Mary made some sandwiches. Tina asked the man in the car to call back in one hour. Jamie began to talk to Tina, but only when he had to. She was saying what a lovely little boy he was and how well spoken he was, and of course she commented on his eyes. She was talking about France and how she had a special room for Jamie. He was listening, but I could see he was frightened at the thought of it. She told him she would buy him a present on the boat. He asked if it would be a car. Then, slowly, he was being swayed into going back with her, but only in the hope that he would be coming back. Mary beckoned me to go into the kitchen. “I hope you don’t mind, Jan, but I’ve fetched Jamie’s things down. I don’t think you’re up to that, are you?” she asked. I gave her a hug. “What the hell would I do if you weren’t here with me? That boss of hers will be coming back soon.” I began to cry. “Mary, go and ask if they want a cuppa before they go, and see what the kids want. I need to stay in here for a bit until I’ve stopped crying,” I said, wiping my eyes on my sleeve ends. “The kids want pop and she wants coffee, if it’s not too much trouble,” Mary said. Back in the living room I kept looking at the clock. It was getting closer to the time for her boss to come back. Jamie was sat on my knee and Janette had fallen asleep. “Jan, I’ll pop Janette on her bed, she won’t get disturbed up there.” Mary lifted her, gently. “Tina, please change your mind,” I pleaded. “I will let you visit him whenever you like. Or couldn’t we do this gradual, rather than just snatching him like this?” She looked at me, then stood up and walked over to the window. “I know you hate me, but I really will take care of him. After all, he’s not a baby anymore, is he?” She turned and looked over at me. I could see she wasn’t going to change her mind. I heard Mary come down and go into the kitchen to wash up. I knew really she was giving us time to try and sort this mess out, but I knew she was there. “Ah, here’s our lift,” Tina said, grinning. Jamie’s grip went tighter round my neck. “Mummy, tell her to go away,” he said, beginning to cry. God, I wish I could, I was thinking. I shouted to Mary, “Her boss is back.” She came running to mine and Jamie’s side. “Shall I go up and get his things?” Tina asked, picking her bag up. “No, you won’t. I’ve brought them down there, in the kitchen,” Mary said. “You don’t mind, do you?” she said, sort of brushing against me and Jamie, so she could get to the kitchen. The man got out of his posh car and began to walk up my path with Tina as she came in for some more of Jamie’s things. “Here, hold Jamie.” I shoved him into Mary’s arms. I blocked my front doorway. Tina stopped dead in her tracks. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “You are,” I replied. “I’m not letting him into my house, so unless you tell him to sod off back to the car, you’re not coming in again.” I stood firm. “But he’s helping me with the stuff; I can’t do it on my own.” “Oh yes you can. You made me get my son’s things together on my own, and if you really want him, you can get the things on your own.” I was shaking. I don’t know if I was just finding things wrong to try to stop the inevitable. She turned and spoke to him in French. He replied to her, gave me a dirty look and then went back to the car. “Happy now?” She shoved past me. I followed her into the kitchen. She had taken all his things, apart from one bag. “That’s the lot,” she said, grinning at me. “You do know I hate the ground you walk on, don’t you?” I said. “And tell me this; what if, when you get him over there, he decides he doesn’t like it, or you? What happens then?” “Look, if he can’t settle, or if he frets, I swear I will give him back to you.” She came nearer to me. “But why put him through all this if you will give him back?” I asked. “Why not just sign the paper and let’s get on with our lives,” I said desperately. “I have to do this,” she said. “He’s my son. I made a mistake, but I do love him. I know you don’t believe me, but I do.” She tried to put her arms around me. I pushed her away. We stared at each other for a few seconds. You could feel how much we hated each other. Then she broke the silence. “I’ll go and get Jamie,” she said. “No,” I shouted, “wait a minute.” She looked at me. “Can I have just five minutes on my own with him, Tina?” I asked. She nervously agreed. “You will give him me, won’t you? I don’t want to have to get the police.” “You don’t need to do that,” I said. “He’s going through enough. I’ll shout you when I’m ready.” “Okay, I’ll wait in the car then.” She started to walk down my path, half turned and thanked me. I was wishing she’d get hit by lightning, or maybe just drop down dead, but of course, things like that never happen when you want them to. I know that sounds bad, but I couldn’t bear what was happening. I walked into the living room. Jamie was crying on Mary’s shoulder. “Let’s hope Janette stays asleep a little while longer,” she said. “Can I have a minute, Mary?” I reached out for him. “Sure love, I’m only in the kitchen. Now remember what I said, stay strong Jan.” She smiled gently and left us alone. “Give us a big cuddle then, sweetie,” I said. He was crying uncontrollably. “Hey, hey, what’s all this for? Here you are, going on a happy holiday and we all have to stay here.” I wiped his tears away. “And what about that big boat you’re going on with your other mummy, hey?” He just looked at me. I wanted us both to vanish into thin air - but we didn’t. “Come here.” I lifted him up to the window. “Look at that lovely big car. I bet you want a ride in there, don’t you?” He nodded his head to me. “Can you come too, mummy?” “Not today, darling. I’ve got to get Zara from school, but I’ll tell her you have gone on a big boat, shall I?” “Yes,” he said. “And a happy holiday, mummy?” “Do you want to wee, son?” I asked. “No mummy.” He put his arms around me and gave me a hug. Mary knocked on the living room door. “Can I come in?” she asked, peeping round the door. “Auntie Mary,” Jamie said. “I’m going in a car and on a big boat.” He stood waiting to see Mary’s response. I knew he was only saying it to see how she reacted. “Wow,” she beamed. “I’ve never been on a big boat. Do you think you’ll see fishes?” “Yep, I will, won’t I mummy?” “Well, you’ll have to catch one and we can have fish and chips for tea,” she said. The spell was broken by a car horn. “Tell her we’re coming, Mary,” I said. “Now, where’s your cotton jacket?” I was looking through the coats in the hall. I turned round. The front door was open. I could see Tina getting out of the car. “Stay there,” I shouted. “I’ll bring him.” She got back in. Mary bent down to Jamie. “Give us a big hug and kiss then.” He threw his arms around her. She looked at me over his shoulder. I could see tears in her eyes. A lump began to come into my throat. My legs were shaking. I felt dizzy. Mary looked over at me. “Right, young man, your other mummy’s waiting to give you a ride in that big blue car. Give your mummy the biggest kiss in the whole, wide world,” she said. He looked at her and said, “I do give her the biggest kisses in the world.” Mary ran into the kitchen. I was totally alone. The moment I was dreading was here. I held my son so tightly. I told him how much I loved him, how much his daddy loved him, how much his sisters loved him. I wondered would I ever see him again? Would he come back when he was older? Did I do all the right things a mother should do? Would he hate me when he learned the truth - that I handed him back? Only God knew the answers to that. I picked him up and went to the front door. Mary had sorted herself out. “We’re ready,” I shouted to Tina. Carrying my son up the path, in my mind I was saying please give me strength, don’t let me cry. As I looked around, I could see people’s curtains twitching from side to side. I kept looking back at Mary. It all seemed like a horrible nightmare. I remember taking in the smell of his hair and skin. He kept looking at me with those incredibly huge brown eyes. As we reached the car, Tina opened the back door and gestured to Jamie by patting the back seat. The man who was with her started the car. I slowly started to put Jamie into the car. He held onto me so tightly, I had to get both my hands onto his, to prize him away from my neck. “No mummy, please,” he was screaming, “I don’t want to!” I put him down near the edge of the kerb. He was hysterical. Tina reached over to him from inside the car. “Leave him,” I shouted. Mary came running up to me. I picked him up again. He was sobbing. I just held him and kept kissing his cheek. After a few minutes he calmed down. I tried again. “Right darling, come on, it’s time for you to go on your holiday.” I bent down, put him on the back seat where his toys were - and Tina, gave him another kiss and told him I loved him. Tina promised to stay in touch and let us know how things were going. Mary touched my arm. “Come on, Jan." She sort of moved me away gently. I closed the car door. Jamie began to cry again. Tina opened the car window. Mary and I walked up my path. I could hear Jamie screaming, “Mummy, mummy, get me.” I turned and stood on the doorstep. I felt so weak. My legs had gone to jelly, I had pains in my chest; my head was hurting. Mary slipped her arm around my waist. “Come on girl, you’re doing fine. Don’t you dare break down yet,” she said. My eyes were filled with tears. I couldn’t see clearly. My mouth was bleeding where I had bitten the inside. Through clenched teeth, I remember the only thing I could say was…. “Oh God, oh God.” “Wave Jan,” Mary said. “Come on, love, do it for Jamie.” I picked my hand up and wiggled my fingers at him, that’s how he waved. I saw Tina take Jamie’s hand in hers and she was helping him to wave. He was screaming. The car was going slowly round the corner. “Mummy, mummy, get me mummy. Mummeeeeee…." The car was gone.
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