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Divorce

By purplemurph

01 July 2007

In my writing class, we were asked to make up sentences using randomly selected words and phrases. The first 2 lines are the result of this exercise, and they prompted a long forgotten moment in Paris to re-emerge.

hopefully you'll see what I was trying to do here!
(don't worry I know this is my first entry - they won't all be this depressing I promise!)

Swirling romantic Paris before the crash

Of broken dreams and best plans laid,

Why did he persist in the certain conviction

That nothing would change, we’d emerge unscathed?

French coffee swirls in romantic Paris

Tempestuous waves spill over the pot,

Why did he persist in the delusion

That unrepressed anger is quickly forgot?

The smoke hangs heavy in the tiny French café

A blue-grey mist obscuring the view.

Why did he persist in the illusion

Denying hisself what everyone knew?

Impressionists strokes dance around the gallery

How little one needs to show the truth.

How much more did he need to persuade him

We’d drifted so far, how much more proof?

Undeluded and unpersudaed

I made the move to break the tie

To save myself from a certain future

Of fear and sadness and life as a lie

Reviews

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 1st July 2007

hisself/himself?

The repetition worked pretty well. It gave the piece a little structure. There's something missing here for me but I don't have the poetic knowledged to put my finger on what it is.

I liked these lines:

Impressionists strokes dance around the gallery

How little one needs to show the truth.

Phil

thanks
Written by purplemurph (6 comments posted) 1st July 2007

thanks for your comments. Phil.

of course you're right, it should be 'himself'

let me know if you pin down what you think might be missing.

PM

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 1st July 2007

There's an odd mixture of the good and the bad in this. Firstly the good- a nice rhythm and rhyme as Phil said. I also like the emotional twist you put on the images in the first part of each stanza. It seems a pity that you abandon that structure in the last stanza.

The bad- you use pretty stereotypical images of Paris, for example the epithet "romantic". A glimpse of what Paris can be like behind those cafés and impressionists we all know would be interesting. Secondly, I feel your second line reads a lot better as "best laid plans"- my mind keeps wanting to read that line that way.

Upon my first read I found it difficult to find the connection between the images and the emotions; in fact I didn't find one. Upon the third read I did, but I can't help but wonder if you could make the connections more explicit. It's up to you really- sometimes a bit of digging in a poem can be fun, the problem comes when your audience can't be bothered to dig!

Written by purplemurph (6 comments posted) 2nd July 2007

thanks for your honest review gutterkitty.

Its true I did struggle with those 3 words and "best laid plans" does seem to flow better.

this moment in time was a hard one emotionally and having unexpectedly unearthed it again, I probably didn't want to get to close either which may explain the distance you're finding in the connections!

thanks for taking the time to dig!
PM

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