MARTIN SITS ALONE IN THE KITCHEN/DINING AREA. HE IS WEARING A DARK SUIT AND BLACK TIE, WHICH HE LOOSENS. HE HOLDS A DRINK AND GLANCES AROUND. SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD OF PEOPLE DEPARTING. A DOOR SLAMS AND SALLY ENTERS, SHE IS WEARING A BLACK DRESS. SHE LOOKS AROUND AS THOUGH UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.

MARTIN: Like a drink?

SALLY: I think I've drunk enough sherry to last a lifetime.

MARTIN: I think I will.

SALLY: You want to try drinking less.

MARTIN: What does that taste like?

SALLY: Everything's a joke to you Martin.

MARTIN: You sound just like my wife.

SALLY: I was your wife (BEAT) once.

MARTIN: And now you're somebody else's. Why don't you sit down, you're making me uncomfortable.

SALLY: I always was rather good at that. Here?

SHE INDICATES A CHAIR

MARTIN: No, that's antique.

SALLY: It doesn't look it.

MARTIN: It will be by the time I've finished paying for it. Come and sit by me.

SHE SITS ON A CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM

Please yourself.

Sally: Thanks

(PAUSE)

MARTIN: It was a good do

SALLY: Yeah, mum would have enjoyed it.

MARTIN: And the weather was good.

SALLY: What could be worse than standing round an empty grave in the pouring rain?

MARTIN: Being in the coffin.

SALLY: Oh Martin don't!

MARTIN: Sorry.

SALLY: I think I will have that drink. Have you any wine?

MARTIN: There's a bottle of white opened in the fridge.

Sally: Have you been entertaining?

SHE GETS THE WINE, COMES BACK AND SITS.

MARTIN: Not if there's half a bottle left. We buried my Granddad on a day like this. It was a scorching hot day in June.

SALLY: It's September.

MARTIN: (Not listening) All the roses were out in his garden. I'd always liked roses. I hate them now.

SALLY: It was good of you Martin to..., well you know.

MARTIN: I was very fond of your Mother. I'm very fond of you. Anyway this used to be your house, remember?

SALLY: How could I forget?

MARTIN: Sorry.

SALLY: I didn't think you liked my mother all that much?

MARTIN: I must admit I preferred your mother-in-law to mine.

Sally: Oh Martin!

MARTIN: (laughing) Sorry.

Sally: Did Mum know that you were fond of her?

MARTIN: I wasn't going to let her know. She'd have tried harder to make me dislike her.

SALLY: Can you remember coming to look round here?

MARTIN: Yeah. You saw it in your lunch break and rang me at work.

SALLY: You remember?

MARTIN: Of course I do.

SALLY: We came round to look that same evening.

MARTIN I missed the England match.

THEY EXIT.BLACK-OUT.

ACT I SCENE 2

FLASHBACK: MARTIN AND SALLY ENTER WEARING COATS.

MARTIN: (Dubious) What do you think?

SALLY: It's perfect, just what we've been looking for.

MARTIN: (Dismayed) You like it that much?

SALLY: Don't you like it?

MARTIN: Oh I like it.

A BANGING NOISE IS HEARD OFF.

SALLY: I feel a 'but' coming on.

MARTIN: Well... back door sticks

SALLY: So, the back door sticks.

THE ESTATE AGENT ENTERS

AGENT: So. What do you think?

MARTIN: Back door sticks.

AGENT: It just needs easing. We can have that sorted.

MARTIN: The stairs creak, there's a damp patch in the back bedroom...

SALLY: ...The Nursery

MARTIN: And there's a turd in the toilet which considering the house has been empty for six months I find very strange.

AGENT: Minor details Sir. But as a whole?

MARTIN: As a hole it's fine, but as a house - forget it.

AGENT: The property is structurally very sound.

MARTIN: Come off it - about the only thing holding it together is the woodworm holding hands.

SALLY: It's perfect. We'll have it.

MARTIN AND THE AGENT LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN AMAZEMENT. THEY KNOW THIS IS NOT THE WAY THE GAME IS PLAYED.

MARTIN: (recovering) We'd like to make an offer.

SALLY: Martin!

AGENT: (Lady Bracknel moment) An offer? (He looks at Martin, they both know he's lost)

THE AGENT EXITS. MARTIN AND SALLY DISCARD COATS AND WITH A LIGHTING CHANGE ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT.

ACT I SCENE 3

MARTIN: He said 'An Offer' as though I'd offered two camels for his wife when she was worth five. And she's hopping about from foot to foot. (MIMICS SALLY)

'We don't want to lose it Martin.' As though we would have. The place had been empty for six months. It was a right tip. The old lady who'd lived here before

had died in situ. Found in this very room.

SALLY: Still makes me shudder to think about it.

MARTIN: What?

SALLY: That poor old lady lying here dead.

MARTIN: I remember reading about it in the paper. The pathologist said she must have been dead at least 6 months and the Coroner commented 'That it was a

shocking indictment of the times in which we live.' Not that they've changed much.

SALLY: How can anybody lie undiscovered for 6 months these days? Didn't she have any family?

MARTIN: They were the one's who refused to lower the asking price.

SALLY: This was going to be our dream home.

MARTIN: Yeah

SALLY: Turned into a right nightmare.

MARTIN: Is that how you see our marriage - a nightmare?

SALLY: How do you see it?

MARTIN: Simply as two people being married and it didn't work out.

SALLY: And that was my fault?

MARTIN: I didn't say that. It was mine - mainly. But you played your part.

SALLY: I'm really sorry it didn't work for us.

MARTIN: (surprised) Are you?

SALLY: Yes.

MARTIN: Still you're happily married now.

SALLY LOOKS DUBIOUS AND PULLS A FACE.

You are happy?

SALLY: Is it important?

MARTIN: Yeah

SALLY: (amazed) Why?

MARTIN: If you're not you might come back.

SALLY: You've lost none of the charms I married you for.

MARTIN: Do you remember our wedding day?

SALLY SMILES AND LOOKS HAPPY.

SALLY: Do you?

MARTIN: I remember most things about our wedding day. I can remember where we got married, I can remember when we got married (BEAT) but I just wish I knew
why.

SHE THROWS A CUSHION AT HIM.

SALLY: Bastard!

MARTIN: Saturday the 15th of October 19...

SALLY: (interrupting) 14th

MARTIN: Are you sure?

SALLY: It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets.

MARTIN: No, I suppose not.

SALLY: Happiest day of a woman's life - if you can believe the propaganda.

MARTIN: I used to dread these moments.

SALLY: Which moments?

MARTIN: The one's where you let your sarcastic tongue loose.

SALLY: I never could suffer fools gladly.

MARTIN: (indignant) I'm not a fool.

SALLY: You married me.

MARTIN: What a combination, sarcasm and self-pity.

SALLY: I feel a bit down.

MARTIN: It's been a long day.

SALLY: Week.

MARTIN: Month.

SALLY: Year.

MARTIN: Life.

THEY BOTH LAUGH AND ARE THEN QUIET FOR A MOMENT.

MARTIN: Do you remember the day we moved in here?

SALLY: I remember better the day we should have moved in here.

MARTIN: We started first thing on Sunday morning with a hired van, had a short break for lunch at your parents and finished off in the afternoon. Right?

SALLY: Nearly. We started about ten on Sunday morning, went round to my parents for lunch at 12 and finished on Monday.

MARTIN: Oh yes.

SALLY: I thought you'd remember.

MARTIN: I blame your Dad.

SALLY: You would. Poor old Dad.

MARTIN: That home made wine was lethal.

SALLY: You drank four bottles of it.

MARTIN: It was a drop of good stuff.

SALLY: I know. You kept telling us. Dad was getting worried. Every time he offered you a drop more you took the bottle and kept it.

MARTIN: And you and your Mother sat there getting more and more PO-faced.

SALLY: My mother did not get PO-faced. I don't get PO-faced.

MARTIN: I don't think she'd seen your Dad drunk before.

SALLY: I don't think he'd ever been drunk before.

MARTIN: Or naked.

SALLY: Of course she had.

MARTIN: You'd told me they always got undressed in the dark.

SALLY: That was a joke.

MARTIN: She didn't think it was very funny him running up the Close with his kit off.

SALLY: Was that your idea?

MARTIN: All his own work.

SALLY: That poor Policewoman. She'd only been on the job 6 months.

MARTIN: She was enjoying every minute. All those references to his truncheon. She couldn't catch him for laughing.

SALLY: Poor old Dad. A blameless life for all those years then led astray by his son-in-law of one day.

MARTIN: I don't think your Mother spoke to me for the rest of the year.

SALLY: She asked you to pass the salt at Christmas.

MARTIN: Our first Christmas.

THEY EXIT. BLACK-OUT.

ACT I SCENE 4

Flashback: MARTIN AND SALLY ENTER AND DRESS THE SET SIMPLY WITH A SMALL TREE AND A FEW CARDS. MARTIN STARTS WORKING AT THE TABLE AS SALLY LOOKS ON.

SALLY: Do you think it might be a bit ambitious?

MARTIN: What?

SALLY: Having both our families round for dinner?

MARTIN: It should be OK.

SALLY: But they hardly know each other.

MARTIN: They met at the wedding.

SALLY: But not since.

MARTIN: We discussed this. You did agree.

SALLY: I know. It's just that Christmas is a bit of an ordeal at the best of times.

MARTIN: Your Mum wanted us. My Mum wanted us. If we'd have gone to yours for dinner and mine for tea then my Mum would have been upset and the same the other
way round. So they all come here and everybody's upset (BEAT) happy.

SALLY: You don't think it's too much for us to cope with?

MARTIN: Us?

SALLY: Well, you seem to have taken over.

MARTIN: No I haven't. There's plenty for you to do.

SALLY: What can I do?

MARTIN: Well...

SALLY: Who was it that was up till 3 in the morning peeling potatoes and preparing vegetables?

MARTIN: Forward planning.

SALLY: You've had the table set for the last three days.

MARTIN: There is something you could do.

SALLY: What?

MARTIN: Kill the turkey!

SALLY: I hope that's a joke.

MARTIN: It is and it's ready. Stand back woman, I'm about to start carving.

SALLY: I wish you'd show this sort of zeal the rest of the year. I haven't been able to get into my own kitchen all morning.

MARTIN: Our kitchen!

SALLY: I'll remind you of that in a weeks time.

He takes the turkey from the oven and begins to carve.

MARTIN: I thought I was helping - taking some of the pressure off.

SALLY: I'd just like to have something to do. My Mother's sat in there asking every five minutes if there's anything she can do. It gets a bit embarrassing
when I have to say that you're coping alone and unaided with Christmas dinner for eight.

MARTIN CONTINUES CARVING THE TURKEY DURING THE FOLLOWING.

MARTIN: Why don't you go see how everyone is?

SALLY: I know exactly how everyone is. The two Dad's are talking about cricket and the prospects of an England victory at the Gabba - wherever that is.

MARTIN: Australia - it's a cricket ground.

SALLY: I'd gathered that. I don't suppose you've got time to explain the LBW rule to me, have you?

MARTIN: I think it's something to do with the position of the last defender when the ball's played forward. And how are the Mum's?

SALLY: They have a small sherry each and they're speculating on how long before they'll be hearing the patter of tiny feet.

MARTIN: They can forget that for a while. A bloody long while.

SALLY: You don't fancy starting a family?

MARTIN: I'm a bit busy at the moment love making sure my thumb doesn't end up on your mother's plate. Although, it would be almost worth it. Anyway children
should be seen and not had. What about Granddad?

SALLY: Playing Scrabble with Jane.

MARTIN: And cheating I'll bet.

SALLY: I think he's met his match with my sister. She can be quite devious at times.

MARTIN: Hmm.

SALLY: Martin?

MARTIN: Hmm?

SALLY: Do you still find me attractive?

MARTIN: Of course I do darling.

SALLY: (lifting her skirt) Do you think I've got good legs?

MARTIN: They're OK.

SALLY: Don't get too enthusiastic.

MARTIN: I'm trying to concentrate.

SALLY: I'm trying to put you off.

MARTIN: You nearly did.

SALLY: Dave thinks I've got nice legs.

MARTIN: Oh, does he now? How do you know?

SALLY: He's always trying to look up my skirt.

MARTIN: He goes to see his Grandma once a week and tries to look up her skirt - and she's 89.

SALLY: I thought it was because I've got nice legs.

MARTIN: It's just a habit with him. He's a penile delinquent. Right, you can get everybody to the table.

SALLY: Yes sir.

MARTIN: By the way.

SALLY: Yeah?

MARTIN: I think you've got terrific legs especially in those new stockings.

SALLY: (lifting her skirt again) Oh, these new stockings? I didn't think you'd noticed.

MARTIN: Just get out of here before it's leg over the table rather than Leg Before Wicket.

SALLY: You're so romantic.

MARTIN: I'll sort you out later madam.

They exit. BLACK-OUT.

ACT I SCENE 5

The present: MARTIN AND SALLY ARE SEATED NEXT TO EACH OTHER AS THE LIGHTS COME UP.

SALLY: And you did.

MARTIN LOOKS PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.

Once!

MARTIN: I was tired, it's hard work cooking.

SALLY: Poor love had worn him self out. Still you managed it once, which was once more than on our wedding night.

MARTIN: (ignoring this comment) That was a good Christmas.

SALLY: Apart from Granddad getting hold of that dirty video.

MARTIN: God yes.

SALLY: I'm surprised he didn't have a seizure. There he was in the lounge watching this film as bold as brass. Everyone else asleep around him. He looked at
me and said, 'Have you seen this love?' He seemed quite put out when I switched it off. I was that embarrassed I didn't know where to look.

MARTIN: Granddad knew where to look all right. He asked me later if he could borrow it.

SALLY: Really?

MARTIN: Told me he couldn't remember your Grandma ever looking like that.

SALLY: I hope you said no.

MARTIN: There was no point in him having it.

SALLY: Why?

MARTIN: He didn't have a video player

SALLY: (reflective) Our first Christmas.

MARTIN: Yeah. Another drink?

SALLY: (looking at watch) I suppose I should be going.

MARTIN: Back to a cold hotel room?

SALLY: Well...

MARTIN: Geoff couldn't make it then?

SALLY: He's away - on business.

MARTIN: Stay. Have another drink. We'll have a take-away.

SALLY: That's when it started going downhill.

MARTIN: (PUZZLED) After a take-away?

SALLY: After our first Christmas.

MARTIN: Did it?

SALLY: You became very lazy.

MARTIN: Shall I get them to deliver the food?

SALLY: You didn't do a thing round the house.

MARTIN: Just get my glass and lift it to my mouth, will you?

SALLY: We were both working but I had to come home and cook and clean.

MARTIN: Then we went to bed and I made you get on top of me so I could just lie there and think of football.

SALLY: Football?

MARTIN: I used to think of football to stop me coming too quickly.

SALLY: I thought football lasted 90 minutes (BEAT) not three.

MARTIN: Did you ever think about anything?

SALLY: Oh yes.

MARTIN: What?

SALLY: Tom Cruise and Martin Sheen.

MARTIN: What, together?

SALLY: Of course. Just the three of us.

MARTIN: The things you never knew you never knew. Was I really that lazy?

SALLY: You were terrible. You got so lethargic. You'd get home from work at least an hour before me, slump in front of the TV and fall asleep. Do you
remember that time I gave you an ultimatum?

MARTIN: (he does) No!

SALLY: You must do.

MARTIN: I remember giving you an ultimatum.

SALLY: When?

MARTIN: That time you went off sex.

SALLY: (indignant) I never went off sex.

MARTIN: So I said, No sex - No gardening.

SALLY: I remember it being the other way round.

MARTIN: We didn't make love for 6 months. The council wrote in the end complaining that our front garden looked like the Malayan jungle. Do you remember Dave
got that embarrassed at seeing our garden in such a state that after a few months he came round and sorted it all out?

SALLY: I am feeling quite hungry now. Shall we have a take-away?

MARTIN: Indian, Japanese, Thai, Italian, Chinese, Martian? We've got 'em all round here now.

SALLY: Chinese I think.

MARTIN: (STANDING) The usual?

SALLY: Please.

MARTIN EXITS.

SALLY: (to audience) We didn't make love for 6 months. That's not to say I didn't.

BLACK-OUT.

CURTAIN.